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Three months later…Dear Misha,What. The. Hell?Yeah, you heard me. I said it. I might also say this will be my last letter,but I know that’s not true. I’m not going to give up on you. You made mepromise I wouldn’t, so here I am. Still Miss Fucking Reliable after threemonths of no word from you. Hope you’re having fun, wherever you are,douchebag.(But seriously, don’t be dead, okay?)You have the notes on the lyrics I sent with my previous letters. Kind ofwishing I made copies now, since I feel like you’re gone for good, but what’sthe point? Those words are meant for you and only you, and even if you’renot reading the letters or even getting them anymore, I need to send them. Ilike knowing they’re in search of you.
On the current news front, I got into college. Well, a few, actually. It’sfunny. I’ve wanted everything in my life to change for so long, and when it’sfinally about to, my urge to escape slows down. I think that’s why peoplestay unhappy for so long, you know? Miserable or not, it’s easier to stickwith what’s familiar.Do you notice that, too? How all of us just want to get through life asquickly and as easily as possible? And even though we know that withoutrisk there’s no reward, we’re still so scared to chance it?I’m afraid, to be honest. I keep thinking things won’t be any different atcollege. I still don’t know what I want to do. I won’t be any more confidentor sure about my decisions. I’ll still pick the wrong friends and date thewrong guys.So, yeah. I’d love to hear from you. Tell me you’re too busy to keep thisup or that we’re getting too old to be pen pals, but just tell me one last timethat you believe in me and that everything’s going to be fine. Shit alwayssounds better coming from you.I Don’t Miss You, Not Even a Little,RyenP.S. If I find out you’re ditching me for a car, a girl, or the latest GrandTheft Auto video game, I’m going to troll the Walking Dead messageboards under your name.Capping my silver-inked pen, I take the two pieces of black paper andtap them on my lap desk before folding them in half. Stuffing them in thematching black envelope, I pick up the black sealing wax stick and hold itover the candle sitting on my bedside table, lighting the wick.
Page 5 and 6: Penelope DouglasCopyright © 2016 P
Page 7 and 8: Chapter 20Chapter 21Chapter 22Epilo
Page 9 and 10: To Claire and Benderand what would
Page 11 and 12: It’s just that…given all of her
Page 13 and 14: continue to communicate this way be
Page 15 and 16: “I’m on my way.” I start the
Page 17 and 18: enough to jog in the middle of nowh
Page 19 and 20: “Yessssss.” She bows her head i
Page 21 and 22: everyone moving about, their laught
Page 23 and 24: “And you don’t?”I feel his ey
Page 25 and 26: No, it’s not her. It can’t be.
Page 27 and 28: “Hi.”I dart my eyes up, my hear
Page 29 and 30: “Or…” she goes on, sounding a
Page 31 and 32: But she doesn’t back down or feig
Page 33: Before pulling away and saying good
Page 37 and 38: Straightening, I place my hands on
Page 39 and 40: “I posted my review for Brave New
Page 41 and 42: chair and snatch up my jean shorts.
Page 43 and 44: a man.”I lean back in my seat, ca
Page 45 and 46: A few months ago, a jogger named An
Page 47 and 48: through the elephant and hot air ba
Page 49 and 50: have to fake it much around him.The
Page 51 and 52: himself how awesome he is. Trey Bur
Page 53 and 54: around the park quickly. Come on!
Page 55 and 56: “Well, if there is,” I speak lo
Page 57 and 58: “Go,” I tell Ten, nudging his b
Page 59 and 60: “Let’s go, ladies!” Coach pou
Page 61 and 62: “Boo.” Lyla pouts. “That’s
Page 63 and 64: I toss the smooth, tan fabric at he
Page 65 and 66: mine.Annoyance pricks at me. Awesom
Page 67 and 68: that right, Manny?” I call out, k
Page 69 and 70: Trey tosses another paper, harder t
Page 71 and 72: “It’s him,” Ten whispers in m
Page 73 and 74: I drop my pencil to the table and r
Page 75 and 76: I spin around and walk for Masen, a
Page 77 and 78: I don’t have to turn around to kn
Page 79 and 80: I was able to get Pre-Calc done at
Page 81 and 82: couple of hours afterward. I have a
Page 83 and 84: I lunge for him.I grab hold of the
Page 85 and 86:
I stare at the word written on the
Page 87 and 88:
probably doesn’t have any money,
Page 89 and 90:
“Can I at least read something wr
Page 91 and 92:
I catch sight of Masen out of the c
Page 93 and 94:
there’s no talking. You’re work
Page 95 and 96:
I look up, shaking my head. “No.
Page 97 and 98:
No one’s talking about it. No one
Page 99 and 100:
Starting it up, he steps on the gas
Page 101 and 102:
Dear Ryen,I hold the pen over the p
Page 103 and 104:
fantasize I kept them? Maybe with a
Page 105 and 106:
But then I see the passenger side d
Page 107 and 108:
“Does she want it back?”I smile
Page 109 and 110:
“Dude, we should get out of here,
Page 111 and 112:
I turn around and walk down the hal
Page 113 and 114:
“And here I thought you ate child
Page 115 and 116:
I widen my eyes, and every muscle i
Page 117 and 118:
hear the pigeons flapping through t
Page 119 and 120:
drawer. The rest of Misha’s lette
Page 121 and 122:
letters have been slowing down over
Page 123 and 124:
I groan inwardly. Yeah, but “Punk
Page 125 and 126:
I turn and see Lyla, looking a litt
Page 127 and 128:
Even Manny is missing, probably hav
Page 129 and 130:
J.D., Lyla, and I stand and watch a
Page 131 and 132:
Masen approaches, and my heartbeat
Page 133 and 134:
I knock his arm away, my stomach ti
Page 135 and 136:
school, so I’m not here for that.
Page 137 and 138:
I should just leave. Walk out the f
Page 139 and 140:
stay out of my way, or I’ll make
Page 141 and 142:
She twists around and takes out the
Page 143 and 144:
Annie’s fabric softener. She was
Page 145 and 146:
An ache lodges in my throat, and I
Page 147 and 148:
I make it back to the school just a
Page 149 and 150:
“Masen, stop!” I hear someone y
Page 151 and 152:
I bite my tongue, too fucking angry
Page 153 and 154:
Don’t change, Ryen wrote in a let
Page 155 and 156:
Trey is nearly forgotten. For the m
Page 157 and 158:
flicks the ring.I groan again, unab
Page 159 and 160:
I lick my lips, feeling the warm me
Page 161 and 162:
I trail my hand across my cheek and
Page 163 and 164:
She nods, her blue eyes smiling at
Page 165 and 166:
I pass the houses and read the numb
Page 167 and 168:
I bring up my hand and rap on the d
Page 169 and 170:
“Can you believe Masen Laurent?
Page 171 and 172:
Masen pushes off the lockers, still
Page 173 and 174:
him.I want to be closer.He presses
Page 175 and 176:
Making sure the girl who got out a
Page 177 and 178:
through, because I wasn’t sure wh
Page 179 and 180:
He hasn’t called me, though.If he
Page 181 and 182:
I run across the school parking lot
Page 183 and 184:
-PunkI smile to myself. Looks like
Page 185 and 186:
Why would I say anything? This is h
Page 187 and 188:
it open, hearing the alarm go off.
Page 189 and 190:
She raises her eyes, looking a litt
Page 191 and 192:
falls into me, and we both tumble t
Page 193 and 194:
She moans, arching her back, and my
Page 195 and 196:
right thing to drive me insane and
Page 197 and 198:
watching her warily. She dresses an
Page 199 and 200:
I didn’t leave any graffiti last
Page 201 and 202:
on to the roll bar and yelling to s
Page 203 and 204:
“I can handle my boyfriend,” sh
Page 205 and 206:
“Well, I guess there’s somethin
Page 207 and 208:
Good in bed? The thought of him enj
Page 209 and 210:
I sift through change, a few receip
Page 211 and 212:
“You can’t, can you?” His voi
Page 213 and 214:
well as a couple next to us.Masen b
Page 215 and 216:
“You are kissing me.”He gnaws m
Page 217 and 218:
And all of a sudden, I’m not worr
Page 219 and 220:
He pushes up one of my knees, openi
Page 221 and 222:
“Just for a minute, okay?” I pl
Page 223 and 224:
I don’t even want to look outside
Page 225 and 226:
I shoot him a nasty look. But then
Page 227 and 228:
I stop.He touches my face, coming i
Page 229 and 230:
trash can.I curl my fingers around
Page 231 and 232:
I reach down, pretending to get som
Page 233 and 234:
shitty.”I stop and turn my eyes o
Page 235 and 236:
Oh, please. I slide in between him
Page 237 and 238:
I’m going to hell. I’m pretty s
Page 239 and 240:
Reaching down, I left the sheet up,
Page 241 and 242:
I groan, my cock straining against
Page 243 and 244:
move and back up into my cock, eage
Page 245 and 246:
trying to come down.I better get ou
Page 247 and 248:
raided Lieber’s Bakery during sch
Page 249 and 250:
I don’t fear Lyla’s judgement a
Page 251 and 252:
I try to act like a badass, but hon
Page 253 and 254:
He takes my phone out of my hand an
Page 255 and 256:
Of course not. Their dog is big but
Page 257 and 258:
I touch his arm. “Masen?” I say
Page 259 and 260:
“What do you think?” he teases.
Page 261 and 262:
all of them? And Sylvie’s the swe
Page 263 and 264:
I don’t know if Ten will stick wi
Page 265 and 266:
it for the morning when I can watch
Page 267 and 268:
It rhymes. Like a song.Alone, Empty
Page 269 and 270:
I’m about to fucking choke, I can
Page 271 and 272:
Everything is dark, not a single li
Page 273 and 274:
I look up at him, wishing he was aw
Page 275 and 276:
I guess I’ll find out.“I’ve b
Page 277 and 278:
These were all letters that were se
Page 279 and 280:
And I immediately feel her.Standing
Page 281 and 282:
about our parents—the decaying he
Page 283 and 284:
“I lied about the people in my li
Page 285 and 286:
“Where were you this morning?”
Page 287 and 288:
I finish getting my things and clos
Page 289 and 290:
“You’re gonna be,” I threaten
Page 291 and 292:
all do that, because we’re sick o
Page 293 and 294:
town for the night, but they didn
Page 295 and 296:
I laugh. I’ve known him long enou
Page 297 and 298:
Malcolm beats through the fill, the
Page 299 and 300:
I pick up my phone and check to see
Page 301 and 302:
called already, just to break it up
Page 303 and 304:
But I turn back around, advancing o
Page 305 and 306:
“I forget,” I answer, still sta
Page 307 and 308:
I guess they would know. A few year
Page 309 and 310:
His friend, Kai, quietly laughs at
Page 311 and 312:
“Yeah?” I turn my eyes back on
Page 313 and 314:
She keeps stride, her beautiful ass
Page 315 and 316:
The next day, he’s not in our fir
Page 317 and 318:
Over here, separated, alone, and ex
Page 319 and 320:
The O.J. sticks to my legs and seep
Page 321 and 322:
Just being near him is soothing at
Page 323 and 324:
He leads me into a spacious bathroo
Page 325 and 326:
Remembering back, I was pretty hard
Page 327 and 328:
with. I could go back. I could be t
Page 329 and 330:
I close my eyes again, hearing what
Page 331 and 332:
“Talk to me,” he whispers. “I
Page 333 and 334:
“Yeah. We were always just friend
Page 335 and 336:
For the rest of the night.
Page 337 and 338:
I’m not sure if he’s going to b
Page 339 and 340:
predators not allowed to be within
Page 341 and 342:
I dart my eyes to the sides, lookin
Page 343 and 344:
picked for sports and often got in
Page 345 and 346:
But he just looks over at me, looki
Page 347 and 348:
to clean off my arm where thick che
Page 349 and 350:
Everyone gets busy eating. J.D. ste
Page 351 and 352:
overhead threaten more of the same.
Page 353 and 354:
and energy to be everything she was
Page 355 and 356:
“Well, you are the grandson of a
Page 357 and 358:
My sister, I think, was just aggrav
Page 359 and 360:
feel like Misha’s just doing me a
Page 361 and 362:
leading us into the ballroom. The f
Page 363 and 364:
I notice Trey lumbering toward her
Page 365 and 366:
him to keep going.When did he write
Page 367 and 368:
You’re not alone. It gets better.
Page 369 and 370:
“Hey, did you see this?” a girl
Page 371 and 372:
I turn to Misha, sighing. “You sh
Page 373 and 374:
“Sit down.”I prefer to stand, b
Page 375 and 376:
She raises her eyes, locking on min
Page 377 and 378:
the tops of my knees. “And I want
Page 379 and 380:
could’ve, she would’ve. She did
Page 381 and 382:
“It’s just bullshit dives and f
Page 383 and 384:
“What if she doesn’t even remem
Page 385 and 386:
the night off. Go get a date.”Som
Page 387 and 388:
father in Thunder Bay, but the nigh
Page 389 and 390:
What a baby. He knew when he marrie
Page 391 and 392:
Thank you for reading and reviewing
Page 393 and 394:
That’s right. I was in the bathro
Page 395 and 396:
Love,Ryen
Page 397 and 398:
yourself, even if it means those ar
Page 399 and 400:
Fifty-seven letters I didn’t send
Page 401 and 402:
You told us to prepare now and play
Page 403 and 404:
HE WON’T BE HERE.There’d be no
Page 405 and 406:
applied a little lip gloss. I scurr
Page 407 and 408:
What I always wanted to do.To look
Page 409 and 410:
shirt, and silver tie. So clean. So
Page 411 and 412:
Us? No.Trevor didn’t make my hear
Page 413 and 414:
brows that slanted inward, making h
Page 415 and 416:
She had texted earlier, saying she
Page 417 and 418:
nature and self-preservation, and d
Page 419 and 420:
here?But those masks. They were the
Page 421 and 422:
To Ing Cruz at As the Pages Turn Bo
Page 423:
Penelope Douglas is a New York Time
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