Winter 2024

TIPS FOR COPING WITH
GRIEF
During the Holidays
By Walter Albritton
People handle grief differently. Men handle
grief differently from women, so the ideas
I share will be more helpful to some than
to others. If any of it is helpful to some
of you, I will be grateful. After the loss of
a loved one, holidays like Thanksgiving
and Christmas are especially difficult. As
you get ready to face these celebrations,
perhaps for the first time alone, one of
these suggestions may help.
BE KIND TO YOURSELF AND DO WHAT
SEEMS BEST FOR YOU.
REMEMBER THAT MOST PEOPLE ARE
NOT SKILLFUL IN RESPONDING TO
THE GRIEF OF OTHERS.
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• Make up your own mind. Don't let
well-meaning friends or family members
make your decisions for you. Stay
in charge of your life. Even your best
friends will not know what is best for you
unless you tell them.
• If you want to be with people, do it. If you
want to be alone, do that.
• Be patient with yourself. Don't kick yourself
because you feel "down." In time you
will be "up" again.
• Don't let other people manipulate you
into "expected behavior." Accept the
kindness of others but not their control.
You are the best judge of what is best for
you at this time.
• Keep saying to yourself, "They mean
well," even when what they are saying
sounds stupid or awkward. Just smile and
remember that most people know very
little about how to deal with the sorrow of
others.
• Give people the benefit of the doubt. They
care and they want to be helpful. The truth
is, most of us don't know what to say to a
friend engulfed in grief.
• Be thankful for the condolence you
receive. Some people receive very little.
DUMP YOUR GUILT AND BITTER
MEMORIES IN THE GARBAGE.
• One of the most beautiful vehicles ever to
drive by your home is the garbage truck.
Old and useless stuff can be discarded. We
need to do the same thing with some of
the "stuff" that gets inside us.
• Get rid of the stuff that saddens your
memories. There are painful words and
events that should be forgotten. Dismissed
from our minds they can no longer trouble
us. None of us is perfect. We all make
mistakes. Put the past behind you.
• Refuse to go on a guilt trip about the past.
Stop saying, "If only....." When you start
talking that way, remind yourself not to go
there. Look ahead. Look up. Move on.
CULTIVATE YOUR DEAREST
MEMORIES.
• Write them down so you will not lose
them. Fill a notebook or two with
your own descriptions of wonderful
moments you shared with the
deceased.
• Writing down your feelings is good
therapy. It will help you even if your
story is not published in Reader's Digest.
• What your write can become a wonderful
gift to family members -- a child,
grandchild, a sibling, or a cousin. It can
even be a great gift to yourself.
64 EAST ALABAMA LIVING
INSTEAD OF TRYING HARD TO BE
"BRAVE," TRY TO BE REAL.
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• Crying helps us all. Never be embarrassed
by your tears. Be ashamed if you never cry.
• To hurt is human. Hurting is a normal part
of life. You are not a fence post or a stone.
You have the marvelous capacity to love,
and the pain of separation is the price we
pay for the privilege of love.
• Self-pity is understandable. Allow it to
come by for a few days, but refuse to rent
it a room to stay in your life. After a while
you must put up the "No Vacancy" sign and
tell self-pity to drive on.
• You don't have to prove anything to anybody.
Try to focus on being a real person
rather than trying to show everyone how
brave you are.
DEVISE YOUR OWN PLAN FOR
RECOVERY, ONE THAT FITS YOU.
• Give yourself time to heal since healing is
a slow process. Remember that the doctor
puts a broken arm in a cast for six weeks.
Hearts take even longer to heal. We don’t
“get over” the loss of a loved one; with
God’s help and the support of others, we
move on or move beyond the pain that was
so devastating at first.
• Wait awhile on doing things you think
would be very painful now.
• Staying "Home Alone" is no sin; it may
help. Pace yourself. Just don’t succumb to
isolation for a long period of time. There
are hurting people around you that you can
help even while you are hurting.