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SEA OF SHADOWS 209
The chief relaxed and turned back toward the rack of stowed torpedoes.
She laid her hand on the top weapon again. “I can see their faces, sir.”
The captain waited a second before asking, “Whose faces?”
“The faces of the German submarine crews.” She took a heavy breath
and released it. “I’ve been chasing subs as long as I can remember, and
I’ve always pictured them as these sort of dark, foreboding shapes,
sneaking through the depths, hiding in the shadows.” She patted the
torpedo twice with the palm of her hand. “I’ve been training to kill
submarines, and talking about killing submarines, and planning the best
ways to kill submarines since I was nineteen years old. And now that I’m
going to actually do it, I can’t picture the submarines at all any more. All I
can see are the faces of those German Sailors. Faces of people I’ve never
even met before … never will meet.”
The captain nodded slowly. “What do these faces look like?”
Chief McPherson’s eyes locked on the captain’s for a half-second and
then flitted away. “Young, sir. Trained and confident. More than a little
scared, but trying like hell to be brave. But young. Too goddamned
young to die.” She looked up at her captain again. “They look like the
faces of our crew, sir. And in a few hours, I’m going to have to kill them.”
The captain was silent for several seconds, and Chief McPherson began
to wonder if she had said too much. “I’m sorry, Captain,” she said, finally.
“Maybe this is a woman thing. I shouldn’t have said anything. I’ll do my
job when the time comes. I’ll be ready, sir.”
“I know you will,” the captain said. He laid his own hand on the back
of a torpedo. “And don’t worry. It’s not a woman thing. It’s a human
thing. And believe me, Chief. You are not the only one feeling it.”