Eating Disorders - fieldi

Recovery 173
They seem to be living proof of that very contradiction, and
nothing anyone can say will make it easier. Now they work at defining
themselves in a new way, feeling terrified of who they might
become. I see their strong wills and gentle souls trying to merge—
strengths that have become an illness because the conflict is too
much to bear.
I see beautiful women, young and old, loathing their bodies
because they do not quite meet society’s standards for thin and firm.
I wonder how I will protect my daughters from all this. How do I
help them embrace who they are and know they have something
wonderful to contribute because they are both strong and sensitive—in
essence, how do I protect them from all that I struggled
with as a young woman and continue to confront as a mature woman
in today’s society?
Having daughters has made me recall some of my own struggle at
different stages in my life. In turn, it has helped me to be more sensitive
to my patients.
I have come to understand more fully the pain of a parent who has
to learn, as I do, that we cannot protect our children from everything.
Knowing when to protect or support or guide or let go is a
complex part of parenting, as our own desires to have had these
needs met in our own childhood may surface.
A bit should be added here about the family’s struggle. Initially,
eating disorders may get translated in families as just a problem
involving weight loss and food. Parents feel helpless, frustrated,
responsible, and often angry at the control being exercised by the
child because of her illness and symptoms. They need to be helped
and often educated about anorexia and bulimia.
Patients often report feeling guilty about how their eating disorder
is affecting their family. At the same time they are crying out for
help—for themselves and for their family. In therapy they may talk
about the pressure they feel to be the model child or their desire to
make everyone happy. They want to be separate yet fear the thought
of it. They have a difficult time owning their right to life and enjoyment,
despite their parents’ plight.
I thought that getting the perspective of a mother who experienced
recovery through her daughter might be helpful. I asked my
own mother for her insight. She expressed the helplessness I spoke