vol. xxx, no. 4 april 1926 universal brotherhood - a fact in nature

THE YOUTH OF COUNT TOLSTOY
thing grand and real hidden beyond the banalities of every-day life,
and which he could not grasp as yet with his own mind.
Already as a boy of fifteen, Tolstoy took the resolution to "trace
a program for life, to write down its aim and purpose, to define his duties
and his task, and never more to deviate from it." He went into his
room, took some paper, and wrote down a scheme of his obligations
towards himself, his fellow-men, and God; after that he began to accomplish
the task he had imposed on himself.
His memoirs tell the reader about the 'strange' sensation he had
during his youth of being a creature with two hearts, and also of being two
men i~i
one. The idea of death haunted his imagination and troubled
his mind. The conception of pain and suffering had something of a
pleasure for him. Once he "seized a large dictionary and, in order to
grow accustomed to suffering, held it during five minutes with outstretched
hands, notwithstanding the horrible pain of that trial." Another time
he went to the garret and, having taken his coat off, began to flog himself
as hard as he could.
Then came all of a sudden a great change in conceptions, and
Tolstoy thought that "if every day, every hour, bears death in itself,
what is the use of lessons and experiences?" Then he is seen "lying
three days on his bed, reading the first romance he could get hold of and
eating pies with honey bought with his last pennies."
There is something of a lesson in the study of his memoirs. The
interplay of two natures is so apparent, so definite, so impressive when
one realizes the future greatness of that man, who then was a boy with-
out experience and knowledge of life. So many different sensations
were present in his soul. There was the selfish satisfaction of personal
hobbies; the anger, the ambition, the pride; and there was also the
ideal of devotion, sacrifice, humiliation, hate of oneself, love of men,
and search for Truth.
Sometimes Tolstoy was so strained in his mental concentration
on subjects that his mind could not grasp, that he felt, as he himself
says? near to becoming crazy. After vain speculations on abstract matters,
he "reached a state of consciousness utterly abnormal." He " could
not think of anything without beginning to think about his own thought."
He asked himself: " What am I thinking of? " and he answered himself:
"I think that I think." "And now? I think that I think that I think."
And so on. " I began to lose the rest of my sane judgment," he says.
Established in Yasnaya Polyana, Tolstoy felt the urge to do
something good and useful for his serfs. But, although his intentions, as
'