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RELATIONSHIPS
Viewpoint Inspired...
Dear Mitch,
I have a friend who wanted to ask his
girlfriend to get married. They’ve been
dating for less than a year and this question
of his keep popping up in every
conversation we have: how long is long
enough before a couple should tie the
knot?
My usual response is there’s no formula
to answer this. Every situation is different.
A person has to know himself first
before he is ready to dive in a relationship.
There are some couples who dated
many years and end up in divorce. I don’t
think there’s a definite time line. I knew
my wife (from San Antonio) a fairly short
period, mostly on long daily conversations
over the phone. She flew here every
month and we got married in Vegas 4
months after we first met... Big risk, but a
risk worth taking! We’ve been (very happily)
married now for seven years (and 3
children)!
Thank you,
Maybe Just Lucky
St. Helena
Hey At Home,
Hey Lucky,
“To have to have any meaning or viability
at all, a life plan must include
intimate relationships” --Harriet Lerner
What are the odds, eh?! You and
your wife met and had a mostly longdistance
relationship. Married pretty
quickly. And are to be “happily married”
forever!!!
To some degree actually, it is about
odds! When we come up with
guidelines for protecting against bad
relationships and/or mistakes, all
we’re doing is giving people the
cognitive (thoughts) & behavioral
pieces to increase their odds of
relationship success!
NOTE: There are NO absolute rules
or guidelines to guarantee ending
up with a rewarding long-term relationship
(LTR)!
This would start with the fact that
humans took some 100,000 years to
recognize the concept of romance,
and even more to decide that we
want romance in our marriage (and/
or LTR’s)!! If it weren’t for Medieval
French Troubadors’ discovery
that romantic stories entertained
the royalty (and allowed them to
keep their heads), we may never
have date nights, French-kissing, or
Valentine’s Day!!
• If You Don’t Know Where
You’re Going, That’s Where
You’ll End Up!
Most of us really want a great marriage
(or long-term relationship).
When’s the last time you really took
quiet time to consider what this
means to you?! No wonder your
friend is hesitant about a marriage
proposal – he’s not sure what’s in
the fine print!
What characteristics and values will
end up being of greatest value to your
friend in a long-term relationship?
What roles do characteristics like
these play?
• Money sensibility
• Meaning of, and importance of fun
• Matching sense of humor
• High energy or mellow nature
• Sensible/Realistic vs. Dreamer/
Hopeful type
• Go-Getter vs. Planner
• Growth-Oriented
There’s only like a billion relationship
books on the endless number
of relationship elements to consider.
If you’re trying to help your friend
grasp answers as to what he should do,
maybe he could look at.
What’s relationship success to him?
• “At least we don’t kill each other!”
• “We raised (X-number) healthy adult
children!”
• “Do a lot of things together”
• “We’re very intimate with each
other!”
If your friend can get a handle on
what he’d feel is a successful (good)
marriage, that he feels he and his girlfriend
can share their feelings, and that
there’s a good match for the long-run,
then that’s a great start!
Has he ever seen a successful relationship
role-modeled in his life?
• It’s Really Hard To Get Somewhere
You’ve Never Seen!
If your pal knows someone who’s
LTR/Marriage appears to be successful,
then he should talk with that
person – ask what characteristics in
the couple contributed to their success
– and what about their relationship IS
successful. It may be a very different
version of success.
“But how can some of the happiest
LTR’s/Marriages started in an instant
& last forever?!”
Great question....
• Are you willing to really go
for it? Let go of any ideas of
needing the PERFECT one?
• What are your boundaries,
criteria and expectations
for yourself and your
partner? oAre they truly about the
big stuff, knowing all sorts of little
stuff won’t seem to match?
Sometimes I think that those couples
that meet, decide to commit very quickly,
and end up staying together in a relatively
successful, happy situation are
those that simply went for it – dropped
any impulse to seek those endless things
that are wrong about our partner, ourselves,
our relationship.
In the words of the great Bob Seger, “It
is the things in common that make relationships
enjoyable, but it is the little
differences that make them interesting.”
Actually those little differences
are why long-term partners are meant
to be!
Your buddy and his special friend may
or may not be meant to be long-term
partners – a couple with the same core
values and commitment to fully go for
it – to be open for true intimacy: vulnerable
– the foundation, and the spice
which inspires Forever!
Namasté
Mitch
Submit Your Questions or Responses:
ForeverInspired@surewest.net
www.ForeverInspired.net • www.SacGroom.com
Mitch Darnell, MA, OM
Inspiration Wedding Officiant
January Edition 2009
17