NAked Warrior - ZANDERBILT

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T H E P U R P O S E F U L P R I M I T I V E
down into the hole they are in…as Dylan prophesized back in the 60’s. Dylan’s my man.
“Don’t follow leaders, watch your parking meters.” I’ve lived by that code for decades.
I surveyed the gym and they were everywhere, a herd, a school, a tribe, a freaking
army…It was go time! Blank-faced mullets gathered everywhere: sitting or lying on top of
every exercise machine and bench in the facility. I actually trembled a little and got a hot
flash walking to the squat rack. I wanted to lash out and attack—this was my house and
these irreverent punks were desecrating the sacred Steel House. The swarm was abuzz; each
one in frantic motion, using pathetic pee-wee poundage and ridiculous, goofy exercise techniques
that I’ve never seen before or since. I could only compare the maelstrom to an army
of muscle-less drum majorettes twirling batons, but instead of batons they were frantically
waving teeny dumbbells. Normally during the annual January frenzy, the Tribe represents
a small percentage of the gym population: not this year, this year the school had swelled to
alarming levels. I suppose it’s attributable to the upturn in the economy.
This year the population had multiplied with astonishing rapidity. Compared to last year,
the clan had quadrupled. The ancient Greeks postulated that the ideal physical proportion
was sameness and the Grecian ideal was based upon geometrical perfection: the neck, arm
and calf, the Grecians mused, should be identical in girth.
“Measure and proportion always pass into beauty and excellence”
Plato said that in Philibus. But Plato was flat freaking wrong Holmes! Plato never saw a
modern gym mullet stroll in sporting the supposed ideal identical:11 inch neck, 11 inch
arms and 11 inch calves; a 34 inch chest perfectly matched with a 34 inch waistline. Plus
mullets all have outsized heads and tiny hands and feet. If Plato saw a modern mullet in all
his resplendent glory, Plato would be forced to add lots of asterisks and provisos to his original
thought about ‘measure and proportion always pass into beauty.’
To make matters worse, the flock is no longer demur and frightened as in the good old
days of yore. Nowadays Mullets have rights! Back in ancient times, when I was coming up
“beat downs” did not end in lawsuits. The modern uppity mullets are a different breed:
now they have freaking Mullet Rights Groups! The stigma of being branded as a murderer,
or worse, a “mullet-a-phobic” makes us predators reluctant to act for fear of legal retaliation.
Guys like me do not fear other men. We only fear The Man and The System. Few are
now willing to beat a mullet senseless and toss the limp carcass into the gym dumpster or
out onto the parking lot as an ominous symbol for other mullets, as was once commonly
practiced. In olden times, a mullet ass-whipping was our way of saying, “Danger! Little
People! Danger! Stay Away!”
Now real men are even afraid to speak nasty talk to a mullet on account of Hate Speech
For complete information on Marty Gallagher’s The Purposeful Primitive, or to
purchase the physical book, visit http://www.dragondoor.com/b37.html now