NAked Warrior - ZANDERBILT

I R O N E S S A Y S
Laws. I for one will not be silenced even if my speaking out results in being branded as a
hater. Sure I hate, I hate mullets. But my bigotry is rooted in commonsense and self preservation.
It’s damned difficult in this day and age for a human predator (like me) to be up on
what identifiable segment of the population has been granted protection under the 1965
Civil Rights Act. If you are prone to violent encounters, nowadays you need a lawyer riding
shotgun with you everywhere you go: to the gym, to the strip club, to the Chinese buffet,
to the Blockbuster, to work and to the movie theater. My life morphed from restful to
stressful all on account of litigious mullets.
Their credo is: do less, go lighter, quit sooner and use the recovered training time to talk
about training. To a true Mullet, a seasoned and mature mullet, the credo is pure perfection:
99% of available training time should be spent talking about lifting and 1% of the
time should be spent actually lifting. Regular gym mullets are normally manageable, but
annually the pack gets augmented by “resolution” acolyte mullets. These newcomers
spring into half-ass action and act out their fitness resolution fantasies in the weeks immediately
after New Year’s Eve. Swarms of mullets attack gyms nationwide. It makes you
want to quit the commercial gym scene altogether.
Is it any wonder there is a resurgence of home gym training among the Iron Elite? I was
scheduled to squat with Mongo, Joe Don, Mandigo, Tex and Sonny last Tuesday, January
6th. As I made my way to the squat rack, I found five mullets clustered around the holy and
sacred squat rack, defiling it, placing upon it a 5 pound aluminum bar loaded with 2.5
pound plates on each side. Sacrilege! This cannot stand! The line must be drawn somewhere!
Tex was already there and before I could stop him, he took action. The Mullets
were taking turns doing cheat curls. Placing a curl bar on the squat rack allows them to not
have to bend down and pick the bar up off the floor, thereby wasting valuable mullet
strength that could be used for the real work: the post-set conversation about how great
that set of just completed curls was. Mullet gab between sets can last for upwards of 30
minutes. No sense wasting valuable conversation strength bending over to pick the bar off
the floor. That would be stupid.
Since murder is wrong and maiming, even accidentally, is out of the question, (even if you
beat the criminal charges, then there’s civil court to deal with) my kind have to watch our
Ps and Qs. Tex was quivering. I tried to calm him down. I suggested he take some of the
powerful narcotics I knew he always kept handy. He should have listened to me.
Gym owners, once our allies, now insist we must learn to peacefully coexist with mullets.
When we complain, gym owners throw in our face things like, “Mullets are prompt payers
whose checks don’t bounce.” The Iron Elite, gym owners are quick to point out, are actually
more trouble than they are worth. The owners are always chasing the muscle men
down for dues in arrears, while mullets pay in full for the whole year in advance and often
For complete information on Marty Gallagher’s The Purposeful Primitive, or to
purchase the physical book, visit http://www.dragondoor.com/b37.html now
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