NAked Warrior - ZANDERBILT

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T H E P U R P O S E F U L P R I M I T I V E
wherein glitz, flash, fast footwork, fluff and filler are easily and repeatedly mistaken for
substantive, tangible, measurable results.
But I put too somber a point on this unintentionally humorous show. Workout! is sublimely
funny, a regular fitness Fawlty Towers with Jackie as Basil Fawlty. The Skysport Spa
resembles any weight room in any local-yokel racquet and health club found anywhere
across the United States. Nothing special. Neanderthal powerlifters (of whom, in the interest
of full disclosure, I admit to being a tribal member) would call Skysport a “Fern Spa.”
Unimaginable, unintentional, laugh-out-loud lows are repeatedly achieved by Jackie and
her squad of sycophant minions.
Antics abound as Jackie and her touchy-feely trainers interact with the dazed-and-confused
clientele…there is the girlfriend who bites and leaves marks, the eternal after-hour
booze consumption, the limos, the never-ending litany of pompous platitudes and fuzzy fitness
philosophies screamed with a harshness reminiscent of a Stalinist-era political commissar;
it all combines to create unintentional slap-stick of the highest order. To put a finer
point on it, clients are under-trained in the weight room with ineffectual soft-ball routines;
then over-trained in cardio with mindless ‘boot camp’ enduros. All clients are then starved
to within an inch of dying.
I had thought the Nazi prison guard female trainer on The Biggest Loser was the benchmark
for incompetent sadists masquerading as competent personal trainers. Jackie makes a
determined run for the arrogant ignoramus title. What can you say about a woman so
obviously ignorant yet incongruously successful? As Oscar Wilde once quipped, “She
speaks with the easy assurance of the blissfully ignorant.” The setting is Beverly Hills;
specifically a private training studio perched atop a 12 story office building. High jinks
ensue. Jackie continually refers to her squad of adolescent-acting sycophant trainers as “the
best personal trainers in Los Angles.” Again, this is mystifying: none of the group appears
to have any muscle whatsoever nor are any of them particularly lean. Jackie’s muscle manifesto
consists of mindlessly beating the piss out of any client unfortunate enough to cross
her path.
Her motto should be, “Do as I say not as I do.” Don’t hold your breath waiting to see her
participate in the mindless boot camp exercise sequences she loves to dish out. “I’m going
to break them down. I am going to see who really want this!” Wants what Jackie? She periodically
intones profound asides to the camera while in the background an obese woman
cries and writhes in pain. She never ever joins in any of the pain-train exercise routines she
dishes out. She barks fitness platitudes interspersed with ridiculous exhortations. Her
stated goal is to “run them until they fall down or throw up.” How easy is that? I could
have Reilly, a 5 year old neighborhood kid, sit on his little plastic yellow chair and put
adults through the most grueling “Mother-May-I” boot camp imaginable: “Mother says
For complete information on Marty Gallagher’s The Purposeful Primitive, or to
purchase the physical book, visit http://www.dragondoor.com/b37.html now