NAked Warrior - ZANDERBILT

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I R O N E S S A Y S do 100 jumps on your left leg. Mother says jump in the air and touch the sky 50 times! Mother says do 100 pushups!” Jackie’s Boot Camp enduros (“It’s the wave of the future!”) are endless and excruciating, pure cruelty, mindless motion mistakenly labeled as effective fitness training. Jackie tells boot camp participants that the medicine is good for them and will transform their pathetic physiques. She mistakes inducing fatigue and inflicting pain for triggering transformation. Her smug assertions are ludicrous; as if repeatedly stating something makes it true. By any measurable benchmark, Jackie and her team are weak as kittens, technically ignorant, psychologically challenged and factually wrong at every turn. It’s the “Emperor has no clothes” come to life. Empress Jackie struts down the boulevard proclaiming loudly for all to hear that she and her minute minions are the grand maestros of the art and science of physical renovation. Her grandiose posturing is groundless, her methodology mistakes effort for success; she is the antithesis of training smart. Smart training, for Jackie, appears to be an irresolvable contradiction in terms. All of Jackie’s squad of incompetents masquerading as personal trainers feels the need to touch their clients as they train. Apparently the “PT Touch” infuses clients with extra power and strength. There appears to be a touching correlation: the better looking the client, the more the touching occurs. The Sky Spa might be “the finest facility in the city” if the city were perhaps Kampala, Uganda or Bear Claw in the Yukon. Being located in a city generally considered the epicenter of worldwide body worship makes Jackie’s claim akin to a 12 year old, 100 pound high school cheerleader proclaiming she could whip the piss out of a 240 pound, 10 year Navy SEAL vet with two tours in Iraq under his belt. Jackie is demonstrably lame as a personal trainer. Her technical instruction is riddled with flaws, akin to watching a young child attempt to play Mozart’s Requiem on a violin in front of the school assembly. Now imagine if after butchering the piece the 10 year old strode to the front of the embarrassed (for her) audience and said, “There you go you pack of morons! The greatest interpretation of Mozart ever heard!” Jackie unconsciously personifies Karl Marx’s declaration that “Audacity is 99% of the battle.” If you are feeling dreary and need a dose of laughter to cut through the quiet desperation of day to day life, I would suggest watching Jackie and her fraud-squad of simpleton sycophants. What better tonic than uproarious laughter to counteract life’s pain? Watch as goofy immature girls are presented as expert personal trainers and then turned loose to beat up or baby ignorant clients charged $300 per hour. Watch another Jackie PT, “The Peeler” (nicknamed for his ability to “peel off fat.” Incongruously his physique is smooth as a baby’s ass) speak in an unintentionally comedic drawl appropriate for a Lynyrd Skynyrd roadie. He proclaims that his physical transformational abilities approximate that of a master sculpture. “These hands are like Michelangelo!” He dramatically For complete information on Marty Gallagher’s The Purposeful Primitive, or to purchase the physical book, visit http://www.dragondoor.com/b37.html now 66
67 T H E P U R P O S E F U L P R I M I T I V E intones, offering up for camera inspection the hands touched by God. It is highly doubtful Peeler could name a single work the 14th century master ever produced. It is also highly likely you could stand atop the roof of The Sky Spa and throw a medium size rock in any direction and hit another facility that has someone capable of bench pressing 300 or someone possessing less than 10% body fat. No one has either at Jackie’s Sky Spa. I have a suggestion for the Bravo TV programmers: if they want a real fitness reality show with some substance, grit and guts, have personal trainers compete against each other using untrained individuals for 30 days. Let’s see who can generate real results for regular people using regulated amounts of training and only foods available at the local grocery store. No supplements of any type. Limit the total amount of training to say 4-6 hours per week and use real people, living real lives, working real jobs, with real responsibilities. Let’s see who can obtain the best results; success would be defined as quantifiable muscle mass increases and body fat decreases. Establish a level playing field. Bring on the yoga instructors and Pilates proponents, bring on Jackie and her chuckle-heads; bring on the Biggest Loser prison guard. Let’s get some head-to-head fitness combat going and highlight what works and what doesn’t. Let’s expose lurking charlatans and identify effective trainers and effective methods. The ultimate winner would be the confused public. I won’t hold my breath. THE Anti-Jackie: What is the polar opposite of a surface skimming fitness poseur? I nominate multi-time Russian world Olympic lift champion Anatoli Piserenko. Taken from the greatest book on Olympic lifting ever written, Art Drechler’s “Weight Lifting Encyclopedia.” This photo shows absolute squat perfection: high bar, narrow stance, super deep—I tear up just looking at this! This is technical art!! For complete information on Marty Gallagher’s The Purposeful Primitive, or to purchase the physical book, visit http://www.dragondoor.com/b37.html now
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NAked Warrior - ZANDERBILT

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