dec2015

60
HUMOR
THE
FUTURE
IS
SWIFT
How it’s
Different
from
Now
By Victoria Landis
Yikes.
The end of another year.
Soon it will be 2016.
They say time flies faster
the older we get. Recently, in
my day job as a decorative
painter, I had a new client who
is ninety-nine years old. She’s
not only got all her marbles,
but she’s still knocking some
others out of the playing
circle. She’s got game. Had a
hip replacement at ninety-six
and is planning to redo every
room in her condo. Guess she’s
expecting to be here awhile yet.
I got me to thinking—which,
granted, isn’t always my best
move—what will I be like when
I’m ninety-nine? I decided to
interview the me of the future.
It is now 2056.
MN (Me Now): Tell me, Victoria,
what’s the secret to your longevity?
And may I say you don’t
look a day over eighty-five?
MA99 (Me at 99): Stretching,
dark chocolate, and gin. Not
necessarily in that order.
MN: What is your deepest regret?
MA99: None of your blessed
business.
MN: I beg to differ, considering, you
know, you’re me.
MA99: You can’t handle the truth.
Next question.
MN: What, in your opinion, is the greatest
innovation in the forty-one years
since 2015?
MA99: Have you learned nothing
from that critique group of yours?
Saying ‘in your opinion’ is redundant.
Of course it’s my opinion, what else
would it be?
MN: Wow. When did I get so cranky?
MA99: According to your surviving
siblings, you came out of the womb
being cranky.
MN: Let’s move on. Best innovation?
MA99: It’s a toss-up between the
non-polluting, self-powering, land
and water levitation vehicles or the
silent leaf blower.
MN: OMG?! Leaf blowers are silent in
the future?
MA99 (Rolls her eyes): I was making
a false equivalency. The blowers are
small potatoes next to the LEVs.
That’s what we call ‘em now—LEVs.
They run on either solar panels or
water vapor in the air, whichever
there is more of at the moment.
MN: So, when my neighbor decides
to do his yardwork at 8:00am on
Sunday morning, the blower’s not going
to wake me up anymore? That’s
awesome.
MA99: The LEVs have no tires. No
more flats. And anybody can operate
one safely, even if they’ve been
drinking, or are on meds, or are
high on pot.
MN: What year are the silent blowers
invented in? How long do I have
to wait?
DECEMBER 2015
MA99: I really can’t believe you
are me. LEVs have solved all road
problems. No more accidents. No
more road rage. No more DUIs. It’s
miraculous.
MN: Wait. Are you saying that smoking
pot is legal everywhere now? Er, then?
MA99: Sure. But nobody smokes
it anymore. It’s in pill form, over the
counter. Like aspirin was—
MN: Was?
MA99: Stop interrupting. I could
croak any second. Overdoing alcohol
or drugs isn’t cool anymore. Only
losers and morons do it.
MN: How’d that happen?
MA99: The Swift Administration
twenty years ago. She made it her
top priority.
MN: She? We finally have a woman
president?
MA99: They’ve all been women
since. Taylor was the first.
MN: Taylor Swift? Is POTUS?
MA99: Was. Two terms. Both huge
landslide victories, too. We were all
Swifties then.
MN: Who is the President in 2056?
MA99: Look in the mirror.
MN: (In genuine shock): I am? Seriously?
But I’ve never even run for city
council.
MA99: No, of course you’re not,
dummy. You’re ninety-nine. I was just
having some fun with you. Dear God,
how did I make it to this age? You’re
so gullible. No wonder no one took
me seriously. It’s Malia Obama.
MN: (Feeling deflated): Oh. Well, sure.
Please tell me that the magic cars—the
LEVs—are at least powered by the flux
capacitor from Back to the Future.
MA99: No.
MN: Rats. Flux capacitor is so much
fun to say. What’s the best thing about
living in the future?
MA99: Silent leaf blowers.
MN: I knew it! P