Crocodile Magazine January 2017

MATH STUDENT CLOSE TO
SOLVING EQUATION TO
GET GIRLS
He’s been working on it for almost 19 years.
Epimethius
Crocodile Staff Writer
Arnold Little, 19, has
dedicated his whole life
to the study of numbers.
Unfortunately, he said it doesn’t
help him much when it comes to
counting ladies.
“The amount of girlfriends
I’ve had is equal to the limit as x
approaches infinity of 1 divided
by x.”
Said Little, whose math
metaphors surprisingly don’t get
him a lot of dates.
However, Little has remained
open to the dating scene even
after some bad experiences.
“I was shocked to find out a
date doesn’t normally consist
of the guy doing the girls
homework while she goes out
with her friends.”
Said Little, who understands
the software behind Tinder
but not how to successfully
operate it.
Little’s friends and colleagues
said he has always seemed to
have bad luck with women no
matter what the relationship.
Things may be looking up for
Little, though, as he seems to
be coming close to solving the
mathematical formula for picking
up chicks.
“So far good looks and a lot of
staff@thecrocodile.org
The equation mostly involves getting better looking and a larger bank account.
money are a bigger part of the
formula than I originally hoped,”
Said Little, whose GPA is a
larger number than his bank
statement.
“But at least 3% of success
has to do with being funny and
I have a few great probability
puns up my sleeve.”
Little said the theorem was
based partially on an anonymous
study he took of all the girls who
didn’t walk quickly away from
him in the library and the advice
of his older sister. The theorem
was taken for a test run and a
girl Little approached had this
to say:
“I think he wanted to ask me
out, given how much he was
shaking and the sweat on his
forehead,”
Said UF Sophomore Jennifer
Martin.
“But I ended up convincing
him to wear a blonde wig and
take my precalc test for me on
Proctor U instead.”
As with any math more
advanced than Algebra, Little’s
theorems did not apply well
to the real world. He recently
dropped the math major and is
focusing more on his geography
studies, which are mainly based
around calculating where the
nearest ladies night is located.
10 January 2017 Help, I’ve registered for classes andd I can’t get up!