Crocodile Magazine January 2017

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CROC LIBS Fill the void: you may not be able to fill that deep, dark space in your heart—but luckily you can fill in these gaps no problem! Subject: A Letter to Parents for Money Hi Mom and Dad, It’s me, _________________, I just wanted to write a letter to let you know how (insert ridiculous childhood nickname) great my semester is going! I hope you guys are good, how’s ______________ (insert old person hobby) going? I’m loving the pictures and constant daily updatesand phone calls! Especially the one with _______________, gotta love him/her! (insert name of weird relative you barely speak to) Anyway, that gift of ______________ socks for Christmas was so generous (insert number between 10-50) of you, but I was wondering if maybe I could get a bit of cash to help with my class expenses this year. It’s not much, just _______________, it would (insert amount of dollars owed for student loans) really help me get the textbooks I need, and I promise it won’t fund any _________________. (insert type of cardinal sin) Please let me know as soon as possible, and ________________ said to tell you hi! (name of roommate you never talk to) Love, _________________ (your name) 12 January 2017 Raise your hand if you like Croc Libs!
UF TO INSTALL NEW COLD LEFTOVERS DISPENSERS The University is hoping the program doesn’t take away from Meal Plan sales. Priapus Crocodile Staff Writer A UF official has announced that UF will be replacing all vending machines on campus with a new alternative that will sell primarily cold leftovers for students. The new dispensers are part of a new initiative to provide more substantial food options for students who are too busy to wait in line at dining halls or local restaurants, said Head of Student Diet Lisa Tupper. “We noticed that a lot of students were living off of granola bars and Doritos because that’s all our vending machines had,” Tupper said. “These new dispensers will finally give students a healthier option while giving them a taste they won’t believe didn’t come straight from their kitchen at home!” Tupper said that they currently plan for the dispensers to carry cold mashed potatoes, half eaten pints of lo-mein, 6 varieties of pasta salad, and a “mystery” flavor pudding. The options were chosen after months of detailed and extensive research on the eating habits of students at home staff@thecrocodile.org The machines will have yesterday’s food at today’s prices and temperature. versus at school, and Tupper said they actually made the efforts to visit the parents of students at UF to see what they were cooking up in their hometowns. “We actually were expecting to have to introduce gourmet chefs or figure out a way for students to heat up their lunches,” Tupper said. “Instead, we were shocked to see that over 98% of our students eat almost exclusively cold pizza slices and whatever is leftover from yesterday’s meal in the fridge.” So far, students have reacted with excitement to the new food option on campus. Dining halls have seen lower numbers, and janitors have reported cleaning up almost half the amount of abandoned granola bar wrappers than usual. However, many have confided to Crocodile reporters that they will continue to steal their roommates food instead. Writing footers is harder than writing articles January 2017 13
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Crocodile Magazine January 2017

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