Covey - The 7 habits of highly effective people

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e at the mercy of the environment; it can take the initiative to accomplish the shared values and purposes of the individuals involved. Listening to our Language Because our attitudes and behaviors flow out of our paradigms, if we use our selfawareness to examine them, we can often see in them the nature of our underlying maps. Our language, for example, is a very real indicator of the degree to which we see ourselves as proactive people. The language of reactive people absolves them of responsibility. "That's me. That's just the way I am." I am determined. There's nothing I can do about it. "He makes me so mad!" I'm not responsible. My emotional life is governed by something outside my control. "I can't do that. I just don't have the time." Something outside me -- limited time -- is controlling me. "If only my wife were more patient." Someone else's behavior is limiting my effectiveness. "I have to do it." Circumstances or other people are forcing me to do what I do. I'm not free to choose my own actions. Reactive Language: There's nothing I can do. That's just the way I am. He makes me so mad. They won't allow that. I have to do that. I can't. I must. If only. Proactive Language: Let's look at our alternatives. I can choose a different approach. I control my own feelings. I can create an effective presentation. I will choose an appropriate response. choose. I prefer. I will. That language comes from a basic paradigm of determinism. And the whole spirit of it is the transfer of responsibility. I am not responsible, not able to choose my response. One time a student asked me, "Will you excuse me from class? I have to go on a tennis trip." "You have to go, or you choose to go?" I asked. "I really have to," he exclaimed. "What will happen if you don't?" "Why, they'll kick me off the team." "How would you like that consequence?" "I wouldn't." "In other words, you choose to go because you want the consequence of staying on the team. What will happen if you miss my class?" "I don't know." 43
"Think hard. What do you think would be the natural consequence of not coming to class?" "You wouldn't kick me out, would you?" "That would be a social consequence. That would be artificial. If you don't participate on the tennis team, you don't play. That's natural. But if you don't come to class, what would be the natural consequence?" "I guess I'll miss the learning." "That's right. So you have to weigh that consequence against the other consequence and make a choice. I know if it were me, I'd choose to go on the tennis trip. But never say you have to do anything." "I choose to go on the tennis trip," he meekly replied. "And miss my class?" I replied in mock disbelief. A serious problem with reactive language is that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. People become reinforced in the paradigm that they are determined, and they produce evidence to support the belief. They feel increasingly victimized and out of control, not in charge of their life or their destiny. They blame outside forces -- other people, circumstances, even the stars -- for their own situation. At one seminar where I was speaking on the concept of proactivity, a man came up and said, "Stephen, I like what you're saying. But every situation is so different. Look at my marriage. I'm really worried. My wife and I just don't have the same feelings for each other we used to have. I guess I just don't love her anymore and she doesn't love me. What can I do?" "The feeling isn't there anymore?" I asked. "That's right," he reaffirmed. "And we have three children we're really concerned about. What do you suggest?" "Love her," I replied. "I told you, the feeling just isn't there anymore." "Love her." "You don't understand. The feeling of love just isn't there." "Then love her. If the feeling isn't there, that's a good reason to love her." "But how do you love when you don't love?" "My friend, love is a verb. Love -- the feeling -- is a fruit of love the verb. So love her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her. Are you willing to do that?" In the great literature of all progressive societies, love is a verb. Reactive people make it a feeling. They're driven by feelings. Hollywood has generally scripted us to believe that 44
Page 1 and 2: THE SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIV
Page 3 and 4: These principles, however, are like
Page 5 and 6: Stephen Covey adds great value to a
Page 7 and 8: I have a forceful personality. I kn
Page 9 and 10: This personality ethic, I began to
Page 11 and 12: long-term relationship they have, w
Page 13 and 14: The professor then asked one studen
Page 15 and 16: ingenuity, and creating a standard
Page 17 and 18: Shortly after dark, the lookout on
Page 19 and 20: The more closely our maps or paradi
Page 21 and 22: So I first tried a simple request.
Page 23 and 24: There's so much to do. And there's
Page 25 and 26: But from my own experience -- both
Page 27 and 28: interdependent, that there is an ec
Page 29 and 30: Understanding the sequence will hel
Page 31 and 32: training, the communicating, the re
Page 33 and 34: trust, and lost the asset of custom
Page 35 and 36: disappear. Those you teach will see
Page 37 and 38: "You're never on time." "Why can't
Page 39 and 40: instincts and conditioning and cond
Page 41 and 42: such personal freedom and the effec
Page 43: you to act. If you wait to be acted
Page 47 and 48: Because of position, wealth, role,
Page 49 and 50: So these executives focused on find
Page 51 and 52: We can decide to be dishonest in ou
Page 53 and 54: Knowing that we are responsible --
Page 55 and 56: When I look upon the tombs of the g
Page 57 and 58: Whether we are aware of it or not,
Page 59 and 60: Because we already live with many s
Page 61 and 62: Succeed at home first. Seek and mer
Page 63 and 64: so-called mental and emotional illn
Page 65 and 66: When we are dependent on the person
Page 67 and 68: Innocent pleasures in moderation ca
Page 69 and 70: Because the church is a formal orga
Page 71 and 72: If you are Money Centered... SECURI
Page 73 and 74: WISDOM You see the world through a
Page 75 and 76: We can depend on them Principles do
Page 77 and 78: POWER Your power is limited only by
Page 79 and 80: Fourth, you can communicate to your
Page 81 and 82: many different kinds of thought pro
Page 83 and 84: We would try to get him in a very r
Page 85 and 86: I inspire: I teach by example that
Page 87 and 88: When we plan our family goals and a
Page 89 and 90: "Everybody," he replied. "Everybody
Page 91 and 92: Application Suggestions 1. Take the
Page 93 and 94: Management, remember, is clearly di
Page 95 and 96:
with the bath water," reverting to
Page 97 and 98:
was to enforce the contract -- to c
Page 99 and 100:
There are many people who recognize
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Coherence: Coherence suggests that
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mission statement, you may want to
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all day. Remember, frustration is a
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it! -- Don't take it!" I was afraid
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"You, Dad?" "No, not me. You're the
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I bit my tongue and waited until af
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Application Suggestions: 1. Identif
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"Well, you'd like to take a screwdr
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And this is in the most intimate, t
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Our tendency is to project out of o
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"I thought you meant that the quali
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you are honest and open and kind wi
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When we violate the primary laws of
Page 127 and 128:
deep personal affection which added
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Habit 4: Think Win-Win TM -- Princi
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"My parents don't love me as much a
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I know of a divorce in which the hu
Page 135 and 136:
"In other words, you lost." "That's
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worked to set up a Win-Win Agreemen
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High courage and consideration are
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communication process. You listen m
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people be able to do when they fini
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guidelines, and resources to make s
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40. The spirit of win-win had signi
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Roger Fisher and William Ury, two H
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Habit 5: Seek First to Understand,
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and influence, I don't feel safe en
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You're listening to understand. You
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Sandra described the symptoms and h
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esults in communication. To many, s
Page 161 and 162:
"I know you've sacrificed, Dad. But
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What a difference real understandin
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I remember writing one time in a ro
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trust of another person's communica
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Habit 5 is something you can practi
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Habit 6: Synergize TM Principles of
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hit-or-miss, trial and error. And u
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very open and authentic and simply
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Synergy means that 1 + 1 may equal
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arrange for some help at the first
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"I know," he replied with a forced
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He also developed charley horses fr
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scheduled payments were met. It was
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Application Suggestions 1. Think ab
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"Sharpen the Saw" basically means e
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If you haven't been exercising, you
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This is why I believe a personal mi
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centered on the principles of perso
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diminishes us. It increases us beca
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create negative force field resista
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closer we align ourselves with corr
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The children looked forward to the
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Sandra and I were amazed at what we
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Becoming a Transition Person Among
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Again, T. S. Eliot expresses so bea
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* * If your center is Pleasure... S
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This is the way you may tend to per
Page 215 and 216:
Many third-generation time managers
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Preparing the media budget. Regardi
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produce interesting and creative wa
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