Vegas Voice 8-17 web

1
. Some guy just invented
a perfume that will drive
women crazy. It smells like money.
2. They say that if your hand
itches, you’re going to get it. However, if your head itches, you already
got it!
3. My friend Mel claims he lost a fortune overnight. He went to bed
feeling like a million bucks and woke up feeling like two cents!
4. “Whatever happened to that goofy blonde your husband used to run
around with?” “I dyed my hair.”
5. Patient: “Doctor, I think I have amnesia?” Doctor replied: “How long
have you had it?” Patient: “Had what?”
6. American money not only “talks” but it speaks every foreign
language!
7. Waitress to customer: “Why are you eating those cakes so fast?”
Customer: “I’m afraid I may lose my appetite before I finish.”
8. If you want to make your wife crazy, don’t talk in your sleep – just
smile.
9. Lois: “My boyfriend is so gallant. He always kisses my hand.” Mary:
“It sounds like he has the right idea, but his aim is a little off!”
10. Remember: It’s better to have loved and lost – much better!
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August 2017
Marty’s Top Ten
By: Marty Allen / Hello Dere
For over the past decade, Marty Allen has performed with his on
and off stage singing partner Karon Kate Blackwell.
Diary of a Las Vegas Summer
By: Bill Caserta / Bill’s Blurbs
J une 1st - We just moved to Las Vegas. Now
this is a City that knows how to live! Beautiful
sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains
and deserts blend together.
What a place! I’ve finally found my home. I love it here.
June 14 th - Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live
in an air-conditioned home and drive an air-conditioned car. What a
pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I’m turning into a real sun
worshipper.
June 30 th - Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today.
Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for
me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th - The temperature hasn’t been below 100 all week. How do
people get used to this kind of heat? But getting used to it is taking longer
than I expected.
July 15th - Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3 rd degree burns over 60% of
my body. Missed 2 days of work – what a dumb thing to do.
July 25 th - This wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer.
And it’s hot as hell!
The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged
$300 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 30th - Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights. $1,800 in
damn house payments and we can’t even go inside. Why did I ever come
here?
August 4 th - It’s 115 freaking degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner
fixed. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. I hate this
stupid place.
August: 8 th - If another wise guy cracks: “Hot enough for you today”
I’m going to tear his throat out. Damn heat. Will it ever get below 115
again?
August 9 th - Tried to run some quick errands. Wore shorts and sat on
the car’s leather seat. I thought I was on fire. Lost 2 layers of flesh.
August 10 th - The weather report might as well be a damn recording:
“Hot and sunny.” It’s been too hot to do anything for over 2 months and
the weatherman says it will really warm up next week. Doesn’t it ever rain
in this damn desert? With the water rationing, $2,500 worth of cactus just
might dry up. Even a cactus can’t live in this *&%$# heat.
August 19 th - WELCOME TO HELL. Temperature got to 121 today.
If I had wanted to live in Death Valley, I would have moved there. Forgot
to crack the window and blew the damned windshield out of the car. The
installer came to fix it and said: “Hot enough for you today?” My wife
had to spend the $1,800 house payment to bail me out.
If I don’t end up in prison, I’m putting the house up for sale and
moving back to the Bronx!
Bill Caserta is the Project Director for The Vegas Voice and
has a very “unique” sense of humor. He welcomes all funny
submissions at: bill@thevegasvoice.net.
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