CM December DECEMBER 2018

SOAPBOX CHALLENGE
High Drama
The editor’s love of all things aviation
does not necessarily extend to flying
with the World’s Favourite Airline.
SOAPBOX
challenge
HAVE any of you, I
wonder, ever taken off
in a passenger aircraft
at the departure time
stated on your ticket?
That, you may argue,
is not a problem as long as you arrive at
your destination on time, and to an extent
I agree. But what really annoys me is the
unnecessary, soap-opera style drama that
we now go through before, during and
after every flight. I shall explain.
Take my recent return from a
business trip to Hamburg. Having been
patronisingly congratulated for boarding
our aircraft on time (‘Cabin crew, boarding
complete’) the Captain then adds that we
will be delayed taking off, cos although
we’re all good to go, there are delays from
Air Traffic Control. There is an audible
groan from the passengers upfront in the
posh seats.
Never fear, we’re told, while the Captain
is speaking to us, the First Officer is busy
on the blower, attempting to negotiate an
earlier slot (yeah, right). Now when I say
‘earlier’, that will of course still be later
than our actual stated departure time, so
let’s not dress it up like he (or she) is doing
us a favour.
Finally, of course, we do get away, 30
or so minutes late, but our Captain Marvel
again comes on the intercom to tell us
that there is a tail wind and he’ll put his
foot down and do his damnedest to get us
there on time, come hell or high water.
Great. Thanks skipper, but you do know
you are just delivering a service we’ve all
paid good money for, don’t you? And it
wasn’t cheap.
Then of course we have the comedy
of approaching London Heathrow, and
being told that we are going to have to
‘hold’ for ten minutes or so to the south.
‘It’s very busy’ our Captain says, ‘but
fingers’ crossed we won’t be delayed too
long.’ Fingers’ crossed? Fingers’ crossed?!
I’ll give you blooming fingers’ crossed old
son. Did you not know it would be busy?
We did, and we knew we’d fly around in
circles ‘cos we always do.
Now of course when we do finally
get the nod from the Gods at Air Traffic
Control (who must be having the time of
their lives down there working out who
they are going to let land and who they’ll
leave up top for a few more minutes),
the skipper announces ‘Cabin crew ten
minutes to landing’ and a collective sigh
of relief can be felt down the aisle.
We land to the news that not only have
we made up the time lost while waiting to
take off, but we are now actually early. It is
trumpeted as though we should be doing
cartwheels with joy and wanting to start
a family with our hero up front. But, of
course, there’s another snag.
Because we’re early, there’s another
aircraft on our stand, and we have to wait
for him to push back. Then the ground
crews are not ready for us, the air wing
isn’t aligned, and the coaches scheduled
to ship us back to the Terminal building
are nowhere in sight. When we do finally
disembark (‘Cabin crew doors to manual
and cross check’), we’re back to being
only a few minutes late again, and the
Captain is out of his cockpit, grinning like
a schoolboy whose Tuck Shop allowance
has just been increased, expecting a high
five for his efforts on our behalf.
Communication, we know, is
important, and it is better for the crew
to say something rather than leave us
guessing, but the speech is the same
speech, every time, regardless of airline.
Indeed, it is wholly unfair of me to single
out British Airways; they are still the best
IMHO (to be down with the kids). Every
airline does it. So, stop the pantomime
fellas; we’re on to you.
Sean Feast FCICM is getting grumpier.
The Recognised Standard / www.cicm.com / December 2018 / PAGE 54