SOAPBOX CHALLENGE High Drama The editor’s love of all things aviation does not necessarily extend to flying with the World’s Favourite Airline. SOAPBOX challenge HAVE any of you, I wonder, ever taken off in a passenger aircraft at the departure time stated on your ticket? That, you may argue, is not a problem as long as you arrive at your destination on time, and to an extent I agree. But what really annoys me is the unnecessary, soap-opera style drama that we now go through before, during and after every flight. I shall explain. Take my recent return from a business trip to Hamburg. Having been patronisingly congratulated for boarding our aircraft on time (‘Cabin crew, boarding complete’) the Captain then adds that we will be delayed taking off, cos although we’re all good to go, there are delays from Air Traffic Control. There is an audible groan from the passengers upfront in the posh seats. Never fear, we’re told, while the Captain is speaking to us, the First Officer is busy on the blower, attempting to negotiate an earlier slot (yeah, right). Now when I say ‘earlier’, that will of course still be later than our actual stated departure time, so let’s not dress it up like he (or she) is doing us a favour. Finally, of course, we do get away, 30 or so minutes late, but our Captain Marvel again comes on the intercom to tell us that there is a tail wind and he’ll put his foot down and do his damnedest to get us there on time, come hell or high water. Great. Thanks skipper, but you do know you are just delivering a service we’ve all paid good money for, don’t you? And it wasn’t cheap. Then of course we have the comedy of approaching London Heathrow, and being told that we are going to have to ‘hold’ for ten minutes or so to the south. ‘It’s very busy’ our Captain says, ‘but fingers’ crossed we won’t be delayed too long.’ Fingers’ crossed? Fingers’ crossed?! I’ll give you blooming fingers’ crossed old son. Did you not know it would be busy? We did, and we knew we’d fly around in circles ‘cos we always do. Now of course when we do finally get the nod from the Gods at Air Traffic Control (who must be having the time of their lives down there working out who they are going to let land and who they’ll leave up top for a few more minutes), the skipper announces ‘Cabin crew ten minutes to landing’ and a collective sigh of relief can be felt down the aisle. We land to the news that not only have we made up the time lost while waiting to take off, but we are now actually early. It is trumpeted as though we should be doing cartwheels with joy and wanting to start a family with our hero up front. But, of course, there’s another snag. Because we’re early, there’s another aircraft on our stand, and we have to wait for him to push back. Then the ground crews are not ready for us, the air wing isn’t aligned, and the coaches scheduled to ship us back to the Terminal building are nowhere in sight. When we do finally disembark (‘Cabin crew doors to manual and cross check’), we’re back to being only a few minutes late again, and the Captain is out of his cockpit, grinning like a schoolboy whose Tuck Shop allowance has just been increased, expecting a high five for his efforts on our behalf. Communication, we know, is important, and it is better for the crew to say something rather than leave us guessing, but the speech is the same speech, every time, regardless of airline. Indeed, it is wholly unfair of me to single out British Airways; they are still the best IMHO (to be down with the kids). Every airline does it. So, stop the pantomime fellas; we’re on to you. Sean Feast FCI<strong>CM</strong> is getting grumpier. The Recognised Standard / www.cicm.com / <strong>December</strong> <strong>2018</strong> / PAGE 54
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