Vegas Voice 6-19

6
What I Know
By: Earl Wilson, Jr. / Earl’s Pearls
1
. Somebody figured it out — we have
35 million laws trying to enforce 10
Commandments.
2. Gossip is when you hear something you like
about someone you don’t.
3. If you look like your passport photo, in all probability you need
the journey.
4. Money in the bank is like toothpaste in the tube. Easy to take out,
hard to put back.
5. No horse can go as fast as the money you put on it.
6. The fastest way for a politician to become an elder statesman is to
lose an election.
7. If you wouldn’t write it and sign it, don’t say it.
8. Middle Age: later than you think and sooner than you expect.
9. To sell something, tell a woman it’s a bargain; tell a man it’s tax
deductible.
10. Women’s liberation will not be totally achieved until a woman
can become paunchy and bald and still think she’s attractive to the
opposite sex.
Earl “Slugger” Wilson, Jr., son of Earl Wilson — archivist, author,
playwright, raconteur, song stylist and Grammy-nominated
composer/lyricist singing his truth. Truth needs to be sung.
June 2019
You Gotta Laugh
By: Bill Caserta / Bill’s Blurbs
Q
: Where can single 70+ year-old men find
younger woman who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going
through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you’re handy you can finish the
basement. When you’re done, you will have a place to live.
Q: I’ve been told that menopause is mentioned in the bible. If true,
where can it be found:
A: Matthew 14:92 – “And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Egypt.”
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over 70 year-old
husband?
A: Tell him you’re pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Why should 70+ year-old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 70+ year-olds to have problems with short term
memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem. Retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 70+ year-olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 70+ years-old people
when they enter antique stores?
A: “Gosh, I remember these!”
And finally: Don’t you love how in scary movies the person calls out
“Hello?” As if the killer/psycho is going to reply, “I’m in the kitchen.
Want a sandwich?”
Bill Caserta is the Project Director for The Vegas Voice and
has a very “unique” sense of humor. He welcomes all funny
submissions at: bill@thevegasvoice.net.