Me-Before-You-by-Jojo-Moyes

We sat holding our mugs. From the corner of my eye I studied Nathan,
looking at his friendly open face that seemed briefly to have closed off. And I
realized I was about to ask a question to which I already knew the answer.
‘You know, don’t you?’
‘Know what?’
‘About … what he wants to do.’
The silence in the room was sudden and intense.
Nathan looked at me carefully, as if weighing up how to reply.
‘I know,’ I said. ‘I’m not meant to, but I do. That’s what … that’s what the
holiday was meant to be about. That’s what the outings were all about. Me trying
to change his mind.’
Nathan put his mug on the table. ‘I did wonder,’ he said. ‘You seemed … to be
on a mission.’
‘I was. Am.’
He shook his head, whether to say I shouldn’t give up, or to tell me that
nothing could be done, I wasn’t sure.
‘What are we going to do, Nathan?’
It took him a moment or two before he spoke again. ‘You know what, Lou? I
really like Will. I don’t mind telling you, I love the guy. I’ve been with him two
years now. I’ve seen him at his worst, and I’ve seen him on his good days, and
all I can say to you is I wouldn’t be in his shoes for all the money in the world.’
He took a swig of his tea. ‘There have been times when I’ve stayed over and
he’s woken up screaming because in his dreams he’s still walking and skiing and
doing stuff and just for those few minutes, when his defences are right down and
it’s all a bit raw, he literally can’t bear the thought of never doing it again. He
can’t bear it. I’ve sat there with him and there is nothing I can say to the guy,
nothing that is going to make it any better. He’s been dealt the shittiest hand of
cards you can imagine. And you know what? I looked at him last night and I
thought about his life and what it’s likely to become … and although there is
nothing I’d like more in the world than for the big guy to be happy, I … I can’t
judge him for what he wants to do. It’s his choice. It should be his choice.’
My breath had started to catch in my throat. ‘But … that was before. You’ve
all admitted that it was before I came. He’s different now. He’s different with
me, right?’