SandScript 2020

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How to Exercise Self Discipline
Matthew Becker-Stedman
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1. Take the
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stack of paperwork. It’s thick and
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you’ll slice
papercuts into fingertips with the flip of the pages, the corners
stained wet with spit. Grip the pen in your hand, cheap plastic
grinding against your palm. You need to be honest with your
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answers. There are a million possibilities
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and it only takes one
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wrong utterance to change the outcome. Write words like they are
a permanent tattoo upon your forehead. People will see and make
judgements. This is a death waiver.
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2. Do what the nurse tells you. There is a dress code, a costume
the theatre production. Play the part, rehearse your lines, the
show must go on. Put your valuables an unmarked bag. Wallet,
ID, phone. You won’t know where they are until days later. Try
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not to worry because there are more important things at hand.
Change into the thin gown that shows too much skin for the
professionalism of the environment, the tight socks with grips on
the bottom, the shower cap that won’t feel a drop of water. The
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mirror will ask you to hesitate. It begs you to examine yourself.
Look away.
3. Let the needle slide in. The pain is unavoidable, no matter
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how carefully the nurse handles
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your arm. Grit your teeth. Stare
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at a wall. Hold your mother’s hand. Delicate veins show through
transparent skin. When was the last time you had water? Did you
eat after midnight? There will be blood on the sheets. They didn’t
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ask for your
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blood type. The needle separates
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skin, replaces silver
with red, the process is a process. Remind yourself there years
of training behind their actions. There are schools and degrees and
certifications for mutilation. It is not mutilation.
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4. It is not mutilation, it is election. You made this bed, lay in it.
The blankets are the sky, soft and never ending. Remember that
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ESSAY