SandScript 2020

all the things i never say
Christopher Valenzuela
POETRY
I drink a lot of coffee because hey at least I’m not addicted to cocaine anymore and
somehow it feels better to say I drank 4 grande iced coffees instead of I took a full 20bag to
my nose last night.
I’m doing fine as long as I’m not worrying about what I say what I do what I think what I
wear if I’m being too gay if I’m not being gay enough and honestly I don’t know if I can be
left alone with my thoughts most of the time.
I love my friends but sometimes I wonder if I am even good enough to be their friend I
wonder if I am too dumb or too uninteresting for them to really like me because how can
people like this want to be around people like me.
I want to fall in love but there is some part of me that feels like I don’t deserve to drown
myself in it like I want to and so I block myself off from others because that feels so much
easier than trying to let someone in again only for them to leave.
I am gay and I only say that because it is just so much easier than explaining that I am
like water I am fluid in all aspects of who I am and who I love and who I fuck and my
preferences change day to day and moon to moon.
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