SandScript 2020

ESSAY
times since it happened. “Which is fair, they pause every now and then to explain your
are. And so, I told them that the female
pronouns are interchangeable because you
employees were all wearing them and if I
don’t really identify with either masculine
needed to remove mine then they should
or feminine. You don’t explain that even
have to remove theirs. After all, it is health some gays who do identify as strictly
code, right?” You pause, waiting for them to masculine sometimes interchange their own
either laugh or agree. They just nod their
pronouns, it’s simply part of the vernacular
heads and keep listening. “My managers said of the culture. Sometimes you even throw
they would ‘make the rest of the staff aware in a witty reference from gay pop culture.
of this rule as well.’ So, now I’m just waiting None of them get the joke. All of them laugh
for everyone to remove theirs too.”
and say, “You’re so gay! I love it!”
“Can you believe that?” your friend
You feel the familiar pang of
begins. “They are totally only doing it
loneliness for a split second. Their words
because you’re a boy. That’s so wrong.” The burn like the shower water should have.
other two chime in with their agreements You laugh and shrug your shoulders, “I sure
and apologies.
am! Just your friendly
You smile and
neighborhood faggot.”
thank them. You hold
You look around,
back your comments
hoping someone else
“You feel like you spent years
on how you’ve heard
is listening and feels
nurturing this special part of
the same apologies
all the same things
who you are and it’s not even
and cries of outrage
you feel when you’re
yours anymore.”
again and again, but
in a space like this.
they’re never been
All you see are the
directed at your management staff. You
familiar stares from new faces. You don’t
hold back the feeling of wanting to point
notice that your friends make a face at the
out that not one of the women at your work word faggot. They don’t know you spent
refuted the removal on your behalf. They all years cowering away from it, that when
chimed in with rebuttals of “I’ve always had you use it now it’s an act of defiance against
them,” or “I was hired with mine on.” All of people like Hemingway. People who have
them said to you they thought management this skewed sense of what it’s like to be
was being unfair and you should be allowed queer and deal with the facts of living life.
to wear them, but none of them said it
When you get home, you go into your
directly to management. None of them
bathroom and you turn on the sink. You
thought it was their cause to join. They just feel the water warm under your hand. And,
begrudgingly mumbled their displeasure at just as slowly as the day began, you remove
the situation.
the paint from your face. You spent all day
The conversation continues and
smiling and laughing and shrugging off the
you offer your responses here and there
comments about your gayness. You feigned
when it matters. You tell stories and have to the confidence this painted face could give
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