The-Subtle-Art-of-Not-Giving-a-F-ck-EnglishPDF-Mark-Manson

in a sick way, that would actually be a demonstration of love: helping
someone solve their own problems.
Instead, victims and savers both use each other to achieve emotional
highs. It’s like an addiction they fulfill in one another. Ironically, when
presented with emotionally healthy people to date, they usually feel bored or
lack “chemistry” with them. They pass on emotionally healthy, secure
individuals because the secure partner’s solid boundaries don’t feel
“exciting” enough to stimulate the constant highs necessary in the entitled
person.
For victims, the hardest thing to do in the world is to hold themselves
accountable for their problems. They’ve spent their whole life believing that
others are responsible for their fate. That first step of taking responsibility for
themselves is often terrifying.
For savers, the hardest thing to do in the world is to stop taking
responsibility for other people’s problems. They’ve spent their whole life
feeling valued and loved only when they’re saving somebody else—so letting
go of this need is terrifying to them as well.
If you make a sacrifice for someone you care about, it needs to be
because you want to, not because you feel obligated or because you fear the
consequences of not doing so. If your partner is going to make a sacrifice for
you, it needs to because he or she genuinely wants to, not because you’ve
manipulated the sacrifice through anger or guilt. Acts of love are valid only if
they’re performed without conditions or expectations.
It can be difficult for people to recognize the difference between doing
something out of obligation and doing it voluntarily. So here’s a litmus test:
ask yourself, “If I refused, how would the relationship change?” Similarly,
ask, “If my partner refused something I wanted, how would the relationship
change?”
If the answer is that a refusal would cause a blowout of drama and broken
china plates, then that’s a bad sign for your relationship. It suggests that your
relationship is conditional—based on superficial benefits received from one
another, rather than on unconditional acceptance of each other (along with
each other’s problems).
People with strong boundaries are not afraid of a temper tantrum, an
argument, or getting hurt. People with weak boundaries are terrified of those
things and will constantly mold their own behavior to fit the highs and lows