The-Subtle-Art-of-Not-Giving-a-F-ck-EnglishPDF-Mark-Manson

response at face value, and don’t question the values and fucks given by their
partner (pun totally intended); they don’t ask themselves whether those
values and fucks make their partner a good person to stay with. They’re so
concerned with holding on to their relationship that they fail to recognize that
it’s become a black hole consuming their self-respect.
If people cheat, it’s because something other than the relationship is more
important to them. It may be power over others. It may be validation through
sex. It may be giving in to their own impulses. Whatever it is, it’s clear that
the cheater’s values are not aligned in a way to support a healthy relationship.
And if the cheater doesn’t admit this or come to terms with it, if he just gives
the old “I don’t know what I was thinking; I was stressed out and drunk and
she was there” response, then he lacks the serious self-awareness necessary to
solve any relationship problems.
What needs to happen is that cheaters have to start peeling away at their
self-awareness onion and figure out what fucked-up values caused them to
break the trust of the relationship (and whether they actually still value the
relationship). They need to be able to say, “You know what: I am selfish. I
care about myself more than the relationship; to be honest, I don’t really
respect the relationship much at all.” If cheaters can’t express their shitty
values, and show that those values have been overridden, then there’s no
reason to believe that they can be trusted. And if they can’t be trusted, then
the relationship is not going to get better or change.
The other factor in regaining trust after it’s been broken is a practical one:
a track record. If someone breaks your trust, words are nice; but you then
need to see a consistent track record of improved behavior. Only then can
you begin trusting that the cheater’s values are now aligned properly and the
person really will change.
Unfortunately, building a track record for trust takes time—certainly a lot
more time than it takes to break trust. And during that trust-building period,
things are likely to be pretty shitty. So both people in the relationship must be
conscious of the struggle they’re choosing to undertake.
I use the example of cheating in a romantic relationship, but this process
applies to a breach in any relationship. When trust is destroyed, it can be
rebuilt only if the following two steps happen: 1) the trust-breaker admits the
true values that caused the breach and owns up to them, and 2) the trustbreaker
builds a solid track record of improved behavior over time. Without