The-Subtle-Art-of-Not-Giving-a-F-ck-EnglishPDF-Mark-Manson

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in a sick way, that would actually be a demonstration of love: helpingsomeone solve their own problems.Instead, victims and savers both use each other to achieve emotionalhighs. It’s like an addiction they fulfill in one another. Ironically, whenpresented with emotionally healthy people to date, they usually feel bored orlack “chemistry” with them. They pass on emotionally healthy, secureindividuals because the secure partner’s solid boundaries don’t feel“exciting” enough to stimulate the constant highs necessary in the entitledperson.For victims, the hardest thing to do in the world is to hold themselvesaccountable for their problems. They’ve spent their whole life believing thatothers are responsible for their fate. That first step of taking responsibility forthemselves is often terrifying.For savers, the hardest thing to do in the world is to stop takingresponsibility for other people’s problems. They’ve spent their whole lifefeeling valued and loved only when they’re saving somebody else—so lettinggo of this need is terrifying to them as well.If you make a sacrifice for someone you care about, it needs to bebecause you want to, not because you feel obligated or because you fear theconsequences of not doing so. If your partner is going to make a sacrifice foryou, it needs to because he or she genuinely wants to, not because you’vemanipulated the sacrifice through anger or guilt. Acts of love are valid only ifthey’re performed without conditions or expectations.It can be difficult for people to recognize the difference between doingsomething out of obligation and doing it voluntarily. So here’s a litmus test:ask yourself, “If I refused, how would the relationship change?” Similarly,ask, “If my partner refused something I wanted, how would the relationshipchange?”If the answer is that a refusal would cause a blowout of drama and brokenchina plates, then that’s a bad sign for your relationship. It suggests that yourrelationship is conditional—based on superficial benefits received from oneanother, rather than on unconditional acceptance of each other (along witheach other’s problems).People with strong boundaries are not afraid of a temper tantrum, anargument, or getting hurt. People with weak boundaries are terrified of thosethings and will constantly mold their own behavior to fit the highs and lows
of their relational emotional roller coaster.People with strong boundaries understand that it’s unreasonable to expecttwo people to accommodate each other 100 percent and fulfill every need theother has. People with strong boundaries understand that they may hurtsomeone’s feelings sometimes, but ultimately they can’t determine how otherpeople feel. People with strong boundaries understand that a healthyrelationship is not about controlling one another’s emotions, but rather abouteach partner supporting the other in their individual growth and in solvingtheir own problems.It’s not about giving a fuck about everything your partner gives a fuckabout; it’s about giving a fuck about your partner regardless of the fucks heor she gives. That’s unconditional love, baby.How to Build TrustMy wife is one of those women who spend a lot of time in front of the mirror.She loves to look amazing, and I love for her to look amazing too(obviously).Nights before we go out, she comes out of the bathroom after an hourlongmakeup/hair/clothes/whatever-women-do-in-there session and asks mehow she looks. She’s usually gorgeous. Every once in a while, though, shelooks bad. Maybe she tried to do something new with her hair, or decided towear a pair of boots that some flamboyant fashion designer from Milanthought were avant-garde. Whatever the reason—it just doesn’t work.When I tell her this, she usually gets pissed off. As she marches back intothe closet or the bathroom to redo everything and make us thirty minutes late,she spouts a bunch of four-letter words and sometimes even slings a few ofthem in my direction.Men stereotypically lie in this situation to make their girlfriends/wiveshappy. But I don’t. Why? Because honesty in my relationship is moreimportant to me than feeling good all the time. The last person I should everhave to censor myself with is the woman I love.Fortunately, I’m married to a woman who agrees and is willing to hearmy uncensored thoughts. She calls me out on my bullshit too, of course,which is one of the most important traits she offers me as a partner. Sure, myego gets bruised sometimes, and I bitch and complain and try to argue, but a
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CONTENTSCHAPTER 1: Don’t TryThe F
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CHAPTER 1Don’t TryCharles Bukowsk
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nuggets before breakfast each morni
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to begin with, but we humans have t
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It’s like this one time I tripped
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and Everybody Loves Raymond.Look, t
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noble. We mean that Mark Manson is
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As we get older, with the benefit o
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CHAPTER 2Happiness Is a ProblemAbou
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Years later, the prince would build
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don’t register much difference be
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1. Denial. Some people deny that th
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An obsession and overinvestment in
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happiness is a path full of shithea
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CHAPTER 3You Are Not SpecialI once
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people to believe they’re excepti
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improving their lives in any lastin
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floor, I want to cry.Mr. Price scan
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hearing, “Nobody cheated on anybo
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But for some reason, it appears tha
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the tendency toward entitlement is
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actually free you to accomplish wha
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thousands of leaflets throughout th
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became sorta-kinda friends.Suzuki a
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HER. What’s wrong?ME. Nothing’s
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ask yourself why it bugs you. Chanc
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TV, hearing him on the radio, seein
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thought he should be the face of th
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thousand dollars a year would affec
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moments of one’s life are not ple
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happiness, pleasure, and success as
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suffered life-threatening health is
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We don’t always control what happ
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superficial and vain and will never
Page 71 and 72: chapters.)Then, about a year later,
Page 73 and 74: and the man shot her in the head in
Page 75 and 76: infecting him.The goal is to get th
Page 77 and 78: Sure, some people get saddled with
Page 79 and 80: no ‘how.’ ”You are already ch
Page 81 and 82: life, I’ve been flat-out wrong ab
Page 83 and 84: what a positive or negative experie
Page 85 and 86: Second, once we create meaning for
Page 87 and 88: what we feel to be true in that mom
Page 89 and 90: courtrooms operate. Thousands of th
Page 91 and 92: respectfully or replied angrily, no
Page 93 and 94: don’t know.Uncertainty removes ou
Page 95 and 96: being An Artist Nobody’s Heard Of
Page 97 and 98: emotional highs that you’ve been
Page 99 and 100: Question #3: Would being wrong crea
Page 101 and 102: CHAPTER 7Failure Is the Way Forward
Page 103 and 104: “Sure,” Picasso replied. “Twe
Page 105 and 106: Pain Is Part of the ProcessIn the 1
Page 107 and 108: out more than anything. Yet she fee
Page 109 and 110: I was entirely responsible for all
Page 111 and 112: “Two hundred crappy words per day
Page 113 and 114: Armed with this grandiose sense of
Page 115 and 116: what seems obvious in your own life
Page 117 and 118: valueless, pleasure-driven, and sel
Page 119 and 120: Unhealthy love is based on two peop
Page 121: your partner or be helped and suppo
Page 125 and 126: response at face value, and don’t
Page 127 and 128: craft for half your lifetime. Now t
Page 129 and 130: CHAPTER 9. . . And Then You DieSeek
Page 131 and 132: that’s when it all came out: the
Page 133 and 134: Because it wasn’t just his anti-e
Page 135 and 136: But, when our immortality projects
Page 137 and 138: At three feet, your body goes into
Page 139 and 140: whittle their days chasing another
Page 141 and 142: and flattened by life’s trivialit
Page 143 and 144: ACKNOWLEDGMENTSThis book began as a
Page 145: ABOUT THE AUTHORMARK MANSON is a st
Page 148 and 149: COPYRIGHTTHE SUBTLE ART OF NOT GIVI
Page 150: www.harpercollins.com
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