The Vegas Voice 7-20

Life’s a Funny Thing
By: Vicki Wentz / Vicki’s Voice
You know, life’s a funny thing. I was sitting
outside on our deck yesterday, overlooking the
mountains and thinking about that.. and other
huge and deep questions that I often have while
sitting on decks.
You know, like, why are we here? Or if no one is around, does a falling
tree really not make a sound? Or is there life on other planets (and
would they appreciate a “well-rounded” woman...just asking)?
And, yesterday, those intriguing questions led me to pondering
additional aphorisms that pertain to my life and may spark some
contemplation of your own. Because, although my genre is humor, never
let it be said that I shy away from life’s deeper issues!
For instance, if life is a “funny” thing, then why are there wars and
upheavals? I mean, shouldn’t we all wake up every morning laughing
hysterically - which should put a crimp in most folks’ assassination or
bombing plans?
Say you’re really offended by some asinine anarchist video... or simply
because your brother got the last Pop Tart (which he always does because
he’s a sissy mama’s boy) wouldn’t you just shrug it off and say, “Oh,
well...life IS a funny thing!”
Here’s another one: “If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.”
Okay, that’s fine, as far as it goes.
But, say you’re having a crummy day, dropping things, tripping,
forgetting stuff, and then you get your new bathing suit in the mail,
and it’s not only the wrong color AND size, but the entire frickin’ wrong
bathing suit!
So, filled with exasperation, you go to the kitchen to make lemonade,
but you have no lemons, so you make limeade (we are never out of limes
- please, it’s gin-and-tonic summer!) and as you’re finally pouring it into
a glass, you knock the glass off the counter, and as you try to catch your
glass before it hits the floor, you drop the pitcher into the sink, where it
shatters and all the limeade - and lots of glass - goes down the disposal
(not that I’ve ever done that) but, on this day, are you actually making
lemonade out of lemons (or, limeade out of
limes, as the case may be) or, will the whole
citrus event cause you to get your hatchet and
take out every fruit-bearing tree in a twentymile
radius?
And now my favorite adage: “Early to bed,
early to rise, makes a man (or woman - Ben
Franklin was so sexist!) healthy, wealthy and wise.” Okay, even in my
teen years, I was never one to go to bed late, and I was never allowed to
sleep late while growing up, so I continue to rise early to this day.
But, healthy? While my health is generally good, I remain severely
allergic to exercise of any kind. Sure, I enjoy a good water aerobics
class now and then (especially if they play country music) but weight
machines induce depressive thoughts, and just the sight of a treadmill
causes loss of consciousness.
Wealthy? I was a schoolteacher for 25 years, raising two children on my
own who thought they were entitled to food, clothing and shelter. Enough
said.
And wise? Please. Right now, I’m getting ready to make another pitcher
of limeade and try to order the same bathing suit online again.
Vicki Wentz is a writer, teacher and speaker living in North
Carolina. Readers may contact her - and order her new children’s
book! - by visiting her website at www.vickiwentz.com.
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