Focus on the Family Magazine - October/November 2021

KIDS & TEENS / INTENTIONALITY
INTENTIONALITY / KIDS & TEENS
WE’RE HERE TO HELP
If your teen is socially isolated, consider talking to a counselor.
<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family Canada offers a one-time, complimentary
consultation from a Christian perspective. To reach a registered
counselor, call 1-800-661-9800 weekdays between
8 a.m. and 4 p.m. Pacific time.
How to respond if your kids are isolating
themselves from social interactions
BY MIKE BECHTLE / ILLUSTRATION BY HIFUMIYO
SIX MONTHS AGO, she was bubbly and
full of life. She spent her free time with friends,
and you almost had to bribe her to spend time
at home. Now she never leaves the house, gives
one-word answers and doesn’t even argue.
His teachers think he’s a disciplined student
because he sits in the back of the classroom
with his head in a book—but he’s not reading.
disconnected teens
He used to hang out with his friends at church;
now he plays video games alone in his room.
As a parent, you’ve noticed the changes in your
teen’s behavior and wonder what’s wrong. You’re
worried—and afraid—of what could happen if
your teen doesn’t snap out of it. But what can
you do to help? Whatever you try just seems to
make things worse.
More than just
needing space
What’s happening with your teen
isn’t just moodiness or needing
time alone to recharge. It’s called
social isolation. You may have heard
a lot about social isolation during
COVID-19 lockdowns. But the problem
is more than kids missing the
chance to hang out with friends.
Traumatic events, such as a breakup,
bullying, an embarrassing failure,
rejection or an inability to fit in with
their peer group, can cause teens to
deliberately disconnect and withdraw
from everyone.
Isolated teens feel alone in their
struggles but many don’t reach out
to anyone for help—not even their
friends. Instead, they think they have
to figure things out on their own.
When we see our teens spiraling
downward, it’s natural to scramble
for solutions. Impulsively, we may try
every fear-based technique we can
think of, such as pleading or forcing
them to reengage, using guilt or logic.
Or we may try to shame them for how
they’re impacting the family. You may
get results with this approach, but it
doesn’t lead to genuine connection.
If a fear-based approach isn’t the
answer, what is?
A path to reconnection
First John 4:18 tells us that “perfect love
casts out fear.” If love is genuine and
unconditional, it positions you as a safe
person in your teen’s life. You become
an ally instead of a repair person.
Love is the foundation of relationships
and connection. A fear-based
approach asks, “How can I fix my
teen?” but a love-based approach asks,
“How can I best love my child?” Here
are some ways for demonstrating a
love-based approach with your teen:
Affirm your unconditional love and
support. Teens need to know how
much you love and value them, and
nothing they do can ever change that.
So be intentional about letting your
teen know that he or she is not alone,
and that you’ll work through issues
together. My wife and I often told our
teens, “We’re not going anywhere,
and you can’t make us not love you.”
<strong>Focus</strong> on active listening. When a
teen is isolating, the most important
thing you can do is listen. To get your
teen talking, show genuine curiosity
and ask open-ended questions. When
a conversation opens up, avoid shifting
the focus to your own experiences
or solutions.
Instead, seek to understand what
your teen is thinking and feeling.
Teens often feel ashamed or guilty for
having negative thoughts or emotions,
so let your teen know it’s normal.
Don’t panic if your teen says things
like “I hate my life.” Just keep listening
and express your love and support.
Make connection, not correction,
the goal. When our son would isolate,
he became defensive and even
more withdrawn if we tried correcting
him or using logic to snap him out
of it. Simply being present in his pain
opened a door for solutions.
By focusing on a love-based connection,
you can build trust and
create a safe space for your teen to
talk about issues. Isolated teens often
feel trapped and powerless, but we
can restore hope by helping them
identify one issue that’s important to
them and exploring tiny steps toward
a solution. Letting teens come up
with their own solutions gives them a
sense of ownership.
As you love your teen toward connection,
invite God into the healing
process by praying for your child daily.
He loves our teens more than we do,
and He knows how to reach them! •
Mike Bechtle, Ph.D., is a writer, public speaker
and senior consultant for Franklincovey. He
has authored five books including Dealing
With the Elephant in the Room.
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FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
OctOber / NOvember 2021
OctOber / NOvember 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 45