V19 N34

Exit Zero Filling Station
is hiring for Front-of-House and Kitchen.
We offer good pay for dependable and serious
applicants. Open daily year-round in Cape May.
WIENER SCHNITZEL•BAVARIAN PRETZELS•
Visit www.exitzero.com/jobs
for requirements and to apply
BRATWURST•HACKER-PSCHORR•
The pandemic
may be the “WURST”
but our
is always the BEST!
October 1 ST - 3
RD
Friday, Saturday, Sunday
Authentic German Food & Biers
Grande Center Shopping Mall • Rio Grande, New Jersey
609-889-2000
Want to work? Come in & apply today!
•CMB OKTOBERFEST•SPATEN BIER
Page 20 EXIT ZERO September 30, 2021
POTATO PANCAKES•PORK & SAUERKRAUT•
potatoes. Some of us, uh, don’t
process those very well. Otherwise,
keep it up.
This weekend will mark the
end of TNT’s 7th season together
(don’t panic; it’s not the end of TNT,
the dynamic musical duo of Terry
O’Brien and Tim Joyce, just the end
of the season), which is just about
as long as the Beatles were together
as a functioning unit, and I’d like to
think our impact on the American
music and cultural scene has been
just as great, if not greater. (Catch
TNT every Tuesday, Friday and
Saturday 5-9 at Exit Zero Filling
Station for songs you’ve heard a
million times but not as good as we
play them.)
I’m not sure when co-ed
sleepovers became a thing, but if
they’d existed in my day I’m pretty
sure I would have lost my virginity
at... the same time I did.
Weekly Beard & Weight
Watch: I’m mid-Winter Beard,
which I’ll keep for as long as it
takes to become a pain in the ass to
maintain (how does EZ bartender
Gordon Sterling do it?), and mid-
I’m Going To Lose Weight FOR
REAL This Time, which happens
every three months. But, if I’m
going to get famous from these
Larry Crinkle commercials (I’m
not) then I need to get serious
about getting Movie Star Skinny
which, for me, starts with getting
under 240. (Currently 241 for the
1000th week in a row.)
I flipped through several cable
news shows as I wrote this on
Saturday morning and now I’m just
mad at everything.
Why I Love Tom Cruise Reason
#3,472: The Last Movie Star not
only guarantees you are going to
see a high quality film product for
better (Mission: Impossible) or worse
(The Mummy), but he also refused
to even consider a Top Gun sequel
without Val Kilmer, who lost his
voice to cancer. Adam Sandler is
my best friend, but I have room for
two if Tom ever casts me in anything.
Maybe a remake of Twins?
Damien Contino (aka Ichabod
Pornstache, a nickname I really
thought would gain more traction),
in a desperate bid for Undertow
relevance, tried and failed to do
anything funny, smart or stupid
enough to earn my attention. Nice
try, Damien. Oh, wait...
Be forewarned; if you wear a
“Cuddle Monster” T-shirt, you can
be damn sure I’m coming in for a
cuddle. (Sorry, random lady outside
Joe Canal’s last Thursday.)
I saw Kristin Bartle, as usual,
as I drove up to Nauti Spirits to
drop off magazines, but she had
no dogs. Do… do people just go
outside and walk? Without dogs?
The little Facebook message
icon glowing red for days at a time,
indicating a new message has been
received despite there being no
new message, makes me want to
launch my phone into the sun.
Never, ever buy a half-pound
bag of Swedish Fish thinking, “I’ll
only eat a few of them.”
My wife giving her number to
EZFS Turkish bussers, Samet and
Emre, is peak 2021. I live with her
and I can’t get her number.
Lastly this week, if you
attended and enjoyed my stupid
show, Young Dracula, last October,
which was the centerpiece of
our West Cape May Christmas
Parade fundraiser, then boy are
you in luck because we’re doing an
even stupider show this year! The
Mostly Dead is a Zombie Romantic
Comedy Fairy Tale Musical, a
genre I think I may have invented,
and will show at 5pm and 7:30pm
at Exit Zero Filling Station on
Wednesday, October 13 (rain date,
the 14th). Me, Kevin Ebner, Jeff
Sharkey, Lisa Weck, Amanda
Brough and Miranda DeLong will
once again do our best to keep a
straight face and make you laugh
for an hour or so. Reserve your
seats online or in person and I’d get
in early because both shows sold
out last year. I can’t promise it’s a
very good show or will make a lot
of sense, but I can promise you’ll
chuckle at least once and will feel
good supporting a good cause.
’Til next week, don’t get caught
in The Undertow.