Focus on the Family Magazine - October/November 2022

COUPLES / EMOTIONAL ABUSE
Is this emotional abuse?
Jason’s criticism is harsh, and his
words are deeply hurtful and unsettling.
Is this just a typical marriage
conflict, or is it something more serious?
Emotional abuse occurs when one
spouse habitually elevates his or her
self-interest over the interests of the
other. An emotionally abusive spouse
seeks to dominate the other through
patterns of nonviolent, yet coercive,
punishing behaviors. All attention in
the relationship is centered on the
abuser and his or her demands.
But, a word of caution, emotional
abuse is one of the hardest forms of
abuse to recognize. Determining its
presence cannot solely be determined
by incidents of ugly behaviors including
name-calling, blame-shifting and
yelling in anger. Sins like these occur in
most marriages at some time or other.
The difference is that, for most spouses
who’ve acted out in such an inappropriate
manner, they are moved by the
pain they’ve caused and eventually
repent. Again, emotional abuse typically
involves ongoing, unrepentant
patterns of coercion and control.
To decide if Jason is abusive to
Angela, we would want to find out
more about their marriage. Are his
desires healthy ones or unreasonable
demands? How does he respond when
he’s disappointed? Does he have an
ongoing pattern of ignoring and berating
her when she doesn’t meet his
expectations? Is she afraid to express
how he hurts her? Looking for these
patterns of coercive control is key.
Criticism and conflict
As the meeting with their pastor went
on, Jason continued his criticism.
“Angela’s always tending to the kids,
but I have needs, too. I’ve put up with
so much from her. I do not think she
respects me.”
Angela tried to protest, “I respect
you and see how hard you work.”
But he interrupted her again. “If
you respected me, you wouldn’t
question me. You’d take time to put
yourself together and look decent.”
At this, the pastor finally spoke up.
“Angela, I hear Jason saying some hard
things. What’s that like for you?”
Angela hesitated, but Jason was
quick to speak. “I have to say hard
things, and she needs to stop questioning
me. If she parented better, the kids
would not take up all her time. She
needs to step up and be a better wife.”
The longer we listen in, the clearer
the situation becomes. Jason’s expectations
are unreasonable, and when
Angela doesn’t meet them, he has
no regard for her circumstances and
punishes her with shame and isolation.
We also notice that he frequently
interrupts and berates her, and she
seems to be afraid of setting him off.
Is abuse part of your story?
Do you resonate with Angela’s story?
Ongoing crushing expectations and a
domineering attitude from a husband
or a wife are not God-honoring or
acceptable behaviors.
If you’re experiencing this in your
home, it’s worth taking an inventory of
your marriage because the conflict you
are experiencing might rise to the level
of emotional abuse. Answer the following
questions to get a better sense of
the potential patterns developing in
your marriage:
• Are you anxious around your spouse?
• Are you afraid to make your spouse
upset because of his or her prior
responses?
• Are you exhausted from trying to
please your spouse?
• Are you told you “never get it right”?
• Do your spouse’s expectations repeatedly
crush you?
• Does your spouse consistently complain
that you’re a disappointment?
Emotional abuse does not always
take the form of cruel words. Abusers
use a variety of control tactics. Some
tactics are aggressive, such as yelling,
threatening, towering over you,
throwing objects or worse. Some are
passive, such as lying, ignoring or
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FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
OCTOBER / NOVEMBER 2022