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Where we had thought to slay another, we shall slay ourselves. Where we had thought to travel outwards, we shall come to the very centre of our own existence. Where we had thought to be alone, we shall be with all the world. It is important and useful to recognise the depth of parental conditioning. Every child is born with unconditional love. Our parents are the source of everything for us and we look to our parents as if they are God. We are completely dependent on them and are totally open and vulnerable to the presence, behaviour and attitudes that our parents display. Whether the parents are benevolent and loving, neurotic and fragmented, right through to all kinds of emotional, psychological, spiritual and physical abuse — children still love and appreciate them. We are unconditional in our love for them. There have been many documented cases of children still loving and remaining devoted to their parents, even after horrendous abuse and that is because abused children believe that it is because there is something inherently wrong with them, that they deserve the abuse. This is what annihilates the selfesteem of the abused child. This is how susceptible all children are to their parents and why our children absorb, like osmosis, whatever lives in the environment of their ‘family of origin’. For us to recognise that our innate ‘being’ is love, we need to have this reflected back to us by our caregivers. Because we spend most of our time with mother and/or father (human beings are dependent on their parents for the longest period of time in the animal kingdom) it is they who must reflect this love. For a healthy, cohesive self to be able to grow in the developing child, we need a relatively consistent flow of unconditional love and appreciation from our caregivers. What does unconditional love actually mean to an infant? We need our parents to be present enough to us, to be able to empathise and reflect back to us, whatever we are experiencing, unconditionally. During infancy and early childhood we are completely immersed in our emotional feelings and reactions or ‘affect states’. When we were sad, we needed mum or dad to say, ‘Oh, you are sad.’ Then we learned that it was OK to express and feel sadness because we were still loved even when we were sad. When we were afraid, our caregivers needed to be able to attune to <strong>byronchild</strong> 52 Joseph Campbell — Hero of a Thousand Faces our fear and reflect to us: ‘Oh, you are really, really scared of the big dog.’ We then learned it was OK to ask for help and support when faced with a situation that was beyond our capability. Dr Lichtenberg proposed, in his study of developmental psychology, the five basic ‘Needs of the Self’. As a child, as well as an adult, we have these five, fundamental needs that need to be fulfilled enough for us to feel cohesive within ourselves, to be at peace with oneself as well as with others. The need for attachment: We all have a need for belonging and connection with others. As an infant we need to merge with our parents. If this is not fulfilled, people in later life will feel that they have no place in the world or connection. Or overcompensate by maybe joining all sorts of clubs and groups and adhere fanatically to the group’s ‘code of conduct’ in order to feel belonging and fall prey to the tyranny of ‘political correctness’ of their peer group; rather than stand in the authority of their own knowing. The need for sexuality and sensuality: We all need to be touched in order to feel that we are acceptable physically and that our sexual desires are not shameful. We need to be in a natural and healthy relationship with our bodies and have access to all the domains of physical activity, as well as to be able to touch and express love to another human being. There are so many ways deprivation and abuse of the sexual and sensual world of the child by adults can destroy the very fabric of the child’s psyche. The abuse of this need is widely documented. The need for self-assertion: Self-assertion really means to be able to be seen by others. Children constantly ask for mum’s or dad’s attention. ‘Look at me, mum! See what I can do, dad!’ If we are not seen in what we are doing competently we will develop a sense of being not good enough or that we are invisible and that we should not exist. In the eyes of mother and father, we realise our existence. The gleam in mother’s eyes allows us to see our divine nature. When this need is not met, in later life we will have difficulties to be able to draw the attention of others to ourselves without crumbling in shyness or shame. Or we will overcompensate by shamelessly and inappropriately seeking attention by being loud, grandiose or bullying. The need to explore: We are all natural learners. The child constantly explores its environment. Children do this mainly through playing. In the beginning, the child needs mother’s or father’s close proximity. If mother leaves the room the child starts to cry. Later on the child can play by itself. Father can be in the next room but if he goes outside in the garden the child starts to cry. As we develop and if we are not disturbed too much in our play-space we will be able to focus our attention on the creative exploration of our world. Recent evidence taken from 50 years of child psychology has determined that well-adjusted adults, who can apply their creative imaginations to problem solving and crisis management, are people who had free access to ‘creative play’ as children. They also found that contrary to what was proposed as the ‘Mozart Effect’ (methods of ensuring your child became a genius), that the best way to develop genius in your child is to give them free and supported access to ‘creative play’. Then we will learn to be able to trust and have confidence in our own ability to negotiate our way through the different obstacles and challenges of our lives and to be able to stand in the authority of our own knowing. Sometimes over-protective parents interfere too much in the play of the child. They are overly involved in the child’s ‘space’ and some parents will live vicariously through their children. These children have difficulties to know what they want in life and are always looking for an outside authority’s approval. They have difficulties living their vision or their creativity because they are too concerned about getting it right.
Transforming Relationships By Volker Krohn The need to go into adversity (or to withdraw):. As children as well as adults we all sometimes need to go into our cave. If the stimulations from our environment cause us too much distress we need to be able to remove ourselves. Sometimes we also need to be able to challenge others, to be able to withstand being in conflict with the people we have made a bond with. For the child it is important to be able to say to mum or dad, ‘bad daddy, bad mummy’, without losing the love connection. Domineering, authoritarian parents make it very difficult for a child to be able to communicate their needs. Unfortunately I have seen too many people who were never able to challenge their parents like this. It then usually creates a conflict between our need for attachment, our need to feel loved and belonging and our need to claim our own space, our freedom. In later life it gets translated into co-dependency where partners give up their sense of self in order to remain in the relationship. They repress any thoughts or urges that might challenge the connection. Sometimes it goes to the extreme where it is even difficult to let the partner know that they prefer tea in the morning instead of coffee. The other side of this dynamic is a lack of emotional commitment. Some people never allow themselves to form another emotional bond with someone else because they are afraid that they will be consumed by the other, just the way they relationship Photography by Christabelle Baranay experienced their mother or their father intruding into their ‘play space’. This underlying dynamic creates sometimes a complete commitment phobia. People who suffer from this usually can’t stay in relationships if they can get into one at all. They may confront their partner and go into adversity but only after they have cancelled the emotional connection in their own heart. This also brings up the issue of parents being able to create appropriate boundaries for their children. Children don’t know about boundaries. But living in a conditional world we need to learn to be able to deal with ‘frustration of our needs’ or ‘delayed gratification’ or we will become demanding and tyrannical adults. As parents we need to be able to <strong>byronchild</strong> 53
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Page 5 and 6: Editor/Creative Director Kali Wendo
Page 7 and 8: At that age, experiences of loving
Page 9 and 10: Many structures seem to be created
Page 11 and 12: Circumcision Letters and Opinions I
Page 13 and 14: Once I met the mutilators and circu
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Page 19 and 20: Down Syndrome: Is honest, accurate
Page 21 and 22: syndrome babies, for whom 1 in 4 (2
Page 23 and 24: this degree of ‘false positive’
Page 25 and 26: 9. Biggio JR et al. An outcomes ana
Page 27 and 28: The Healing By Scott Noelle Embraci
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Page 35 and 36: A Breech Birth at Home By Tania A K
Page 37 and 38: Photo by Lisa Engeman Compiled by S
Page 39 and 40: that. He said that he would have lo
Page 41 and 42: Wayne’s Story As told to Suzanna
Page 43 and 44: Commentary: Remember how to play? B
Page 45 and 46: as a springboard to annual festival
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