A Leader's Guide to Trauma in the Unit - US Army War College

Army War College Spouses’ Project
• Involve the school. Do not hesitate to use counselors and teachers. Their prior
experience with grief and their relationship with your child will help.
• If a funeral is involved, parents must decide if children should attend. Under the
age of seven years, experts recommend parents should make the decision. Over
the age of seven years, experts suggest the parents should let the children decide.
Take into account how emotional the service will be and how close the child was
to the deceased. If children will attend, explain as much as possible about what
they will see ahead of time — explain the rituals. Arrange to have a designated
caretaker (who the children know) ready to take them out if necessary.
• Focus on activities — suggest children write a letter, draw a picture, make a card
and keep a journal of their feelings.
• Talk about the deceased. Children who have lost someone significant need to
have memories of the deceased that they can carry with them.
• Help the child/children find a support peer group (check your local schools and
hospitals for bereavement groups).
• Do not let your sense of helplessness keep you from reaching out; acknowledge
the reality that grief hurts.
Be aware that young children usually see death as temporary and reversible. School-age
children understand the world better than younger children and will attempt to develop
their own skills and sense of competency. Understanding and development progress
gradually and at different rates as children mature across the age-range. Adolescents have
a better understanding of the world than young children; they are capable of
understanding long-term consequences of death and trauma. It is around this time
adolescents begin to consider issues of their own mortality.
When words seem inadequate or difficult, here are some appropriate comments or ways
to show your concern:
o “I’m sorry that (name) died.” (Not, “I’m sorry about what happened.”)
o “I can’t know how you feel, but I want to help you in any way I can.”
o “I care about you.”
o “I can see that you are very sad.”
LONG-TERM SUPPORT
Be prepared for a range of feelings. Children are likely to display their feelings of
sadness on and off over a long period of time and at unexpected moments.
• Be prepared for negative behavior — anger, restlessness and over-activity.
• Other behaviors to prepare for: over-dependency, regressive behavior, denial,
assumed mannerisms, idealization, panic, guilt and curiosity.
There are no set time limits to the healing effects of the grieving process, however if
there is long-term (several months) denial of the death, avoidance of grief or grief that is
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A Leader’s Guide to Trauma in the Unit April 2004