166 - ketab farsi

encourages compliance, conformity,
and cooperation for the greater
good of the whole group. The
American culture stresses the idea
of autonomy for the individual,
self-assertion, nonconformity and
healthy competition. Iranians in
general value discreteness and
secrecy, particularly regarding
personal matters due to the notion
of “Aberoo” or saving face and
the importance of keeping a good
“reputation” in front of others,
versus Western cultures that tend to
value expression of feelings.
So here we are some thirty
years into our collective migration
from a culture that stressed to our
grand-parents and our parents this
“Collectivism” approach to child
rearing – yet we go to school and
socialize with teachers, neighbors,
friends, and mentors that interact
with us based on the “Individualism”
approach to child rearing. Yet we
all sit and wonder why we have
difficulty communicating with our
parents.
Of course, every child from
every culture (immigrant and nonimmigrant)
feels a certain level of
disconnect from his/her parents,
that’s normal and to be expected.
With us Iranians, however, the past
30 years feels more like a 90-year
stretch when it comes to the shift in
culture and values from our parent’s
generation to our own.
In many immigrant
communities – and certainly
Iranians are no exception, we see a
great number of what Psychologists
describe as a “Parentified” child.
The parentification could be
physical (i.e. when a child is given
the responsibility of looking after
the physical needs of the parent
and/or siblings, (this can include
duties such as grocery shopping,
paying bills, supervising homework,
coordinating medical care, etc.),
and/or emotional (i.e. when a child
is given the responsibility of looking
after the emotional and psychological
needs of the parents/siblings – such
as when parents begin to confide in
the child, discussing their problems
and their issues, using the child
as a surrogate for a spouse or a
therapist). The Parentified child will
generally suffer from having his or
her own emotional needs neglected.
They often struggle with lingering
resentment, explosive anger and
difficulty in forming trusting
relationships with peers, often
following them into adulthood.
We often find the parentified
child in an enmeshed family
dynamic. Enmeshed families are
characterized by an extreme sense
of closeness, so much so that almost
any expression of independence is
seen as disloyalty to the family.
Where does one person’s business/
identity/life, end and another begin?
Within the enmeshed family,
boundaries are virtually nonexistent.
When we are made privy
to all of our parents struggles and
invited into them and even made
responsible for them; when we are
asked to comfort or give advice to
our parents on a regular basis; when
we are relied upon by our parents,
to the point where we begin to
define ourselves as essential for
their every happiness – we are in
an enmeshed family.
When it comes to adult
relationships with our parents we
often have to ask ourselves if we
have been given the opportunity to
learn about ourselves and experience
ourselves as the individuals that we
are. Have we had the opportunity to
devise our own opinions and values,
make our own decisions, and make
our own mistakes? Do our parents
accept us as adults with rights to
our own chosen life-style? Do we
accept our parents as individuals or
are we judgmental of their choices
and decisions? Do we interfere with
and try to control their lives? And
if the answer to these questions is
negative, then who do we get to
blame? Who do we hold responsible
for this? Well, my friends, the
answer to this…if you are an adult
and care to be treated as one…is
OURSELVES. Children blame
their parents for their shortcomings,
but as adults, we are the ones who
need to take responsibility for
them. Blaming our parents for the
unsatisfactory state of our lives
and for our circumstances solves
nothing. Working hard to truly
get to know ourselves and making
a point to set clear and effective
boundaries with our parents, and
defining our lives, warts and all,
by our own standards is what truly
makes us grown-up; grown-ups who
are worthy of having a mutually
respectful relationship with our
parents as well as with our own
children.
*Mastaneh Moghadam is the Iranian
Outreach Coordinator at Jewish Family
Service of Los Angeles. She also
has a private practice working with
individuals, couples, families, and
children in private practice in Sherman
Oaks, CA.
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