CODEPENDENCE - DEAN AMORY

Codependent people misplace their anger.
They get angry when they shouldn't, and
don't get angry when they should. They have
little contact with their inner world and thus
very little idea about how they feel. Usually,
they don't want to know because it gives rise
to painful emotions. It is easier to stay on
the surface and pretend things are peachy
keen, rather than deal with the stuff going on
inside.
If they were to look inside, they would
find their emotional starvation.
They are busy taking care of others. Yet,
they do not meet their own needs!
They may put up with abusive relationships
or relationships that are not fulfilling because
any warm body beats (gasp) no warm body.
Being alone is perceived as scary, empty,
depressing, etc. After all, who will deliver
their emotional
supplies? Who will distract them so there is no time to deal with their inner life?
Even an abusive relationship is better than no relationship.
These loving, giving people find interesting ways of explaining their
behavior to themselves.
Loyal to a fault, a codependent individual is likely to rationalize a loved one's
disrespectful behavior by making excuses for them. "He doesn't mean it." "It
was not done with malice." "It is the best he can do." "She had such an awful
childhood." Etc., etc., etc.
The central concept is that the codependent individual "takes it" and
understands," despite feeling hurt.
Waiting for brownie points in heaven, or for a loved one to be magically healed
through their persistent love and care taking, they accept disrespect from others.
It does not occur to the codependent person that it is not OK to "take it" and
"put up" no matter what!
Much of this abuse acceptance occurs without the codependent
individual feeling abused!
More accurately, these individuals do not feel OK enough to expect respectful
treatment at all times, and to notice when it is not forthcoming. Having grown up
in a home where a parent or sibling demanded inordinate attention (due to
addiction, illness, anger, or other problem), the codependent person is trained to
care for others. Having grown up in a difficult environment, a negative emotional
climate is experienced as normal and familiar.
This is why there is often little recognition of disrespect. If their partner is angry
or upset, the codependent individual will implicitly assume that they did
something to cause the anger. It does not occur to them that it is their partner's
responsibility to deal with their problem and to treat others respectfully. It does