CODEPENDENCE - DEAN AMORY

not occur to them that it is their responsibility to themselves to stop another
person's demeaning behavior toward them. But, how can stop disrespect when
misbehavior is not perceived as disrespectful or abusive? Disrespect is normal.
An unfortunate side effect of the codependent person's willingness to
ignore, excuse, or otherwise allow the partner's abuse or disrespect,
enables the misbehavior directed at them to continue and intensify.
Implicit or explicit permission to continue misbehaving
is granted since the codependent partner
"understands."
Because codependent individuals are approval-driven,
they cannot stand it when others are angry at or
disappointed with them.
As such, they unwittingly place themselves in a
position to be taken advantage of. The more approval
is needed, the less likely is the individual to realize the
extent of their self-sacrifice in favor of tending to the
needs of the other. This hurts ("Ouchhh!"), and
creates or maintains depression and low self-esteem,
in a vicious, downward spiral.
While abuse, disrespect, or unrequited sacrifice angers them, as it
should, codependent people do not realize how angry they are and at
whom they are angry!
Targeting the appropriate person may jeopardize a source of approval and selfesteem.
To avoid facing reality, they distort it.
Codependent individuals are likely to somehow blame themselves and rationalize
their "over-sensitivity." They justify the other person's behavior by thinking they
must deserve the treatment they are getting. This is preferable to facing the
possibility that an individual who provides a measure of their self-esteem is
hurting them.
"Anger...is a signal that something is wrong and needs attention".
Anger is healthy. It is a signal that something is wrong and needs attention.
However, if the source of anger is not articulated, how can it be fixed?
Codependent people are expert at denying anger and turning it against the self -
into sadness and depression. Instead of asking themselves why are they are
putting up with... (fill in the blank), they ask themselves how they could have
behaved differently - to obtain a more favorable reaction from their partner!
Unarticulated anger is often misdirected and expressed inappropriately.
Anger may be experienced as resentment, expressed as an aggressive blow-up,
or in passive-aggressive acting out. The cognitive and verbal skills to
appropriately assert oneself are lacking.