CODEPENDENCE - DEAN AMORY

Since codependent people are experts at controlling other people's
thoughts, feelings, and behavior, they feel hurt that others don't
reciprocate and "know" what they need.
"If they really loved me, they would know." Not so! Since codependents do not
have the self-esteem to ask for what they secretly want, they are unlikely to get
it. If they do make a request, it is often a roundabout hint. If their partner
cannot decipher the request, they feel hurt and unloved. They believe they
conveyed their desires, when, in fact, they have not!
Because most codependent individuals are control-oriented, they are
very responsible.
They are great employees. Tasks are done thoroughly and on time. Even parts of
the job that are not theirs get picked up if coworkers are neglectful or slow. They
try to control outcomes, whether those outcomes are completed job tasks or
reactions from other people. Anything for approval.
However, some codependent individuals are very irresponsible, in select
or diverse life areas.
They don't know how to or don't feel the need to take care of some of their own
basic needs, especially if there is another person to care for instead. Why spend
the time trying to figure out what the self needs, when
the self doesn't really matter anyway? It is far more preferable to be out
avoiding one's own issues: out having fun, hunting for a partner, or selfmedicating
feelings.
Codependent people are addiction prone.
They may drink too much, shop too
much, eat too much, etc. Dulling the
senses is a great way to avoid
knowing yourself and dealing with
your feelings.
Intimacy is avoided.
Intimate behavior requires familiarity
and comfort with one's internal world.
Since the codependent person regards
ordinary human needs as shameful,
embarrassing, dangerous, or
otherwise uncomfortable, meeting
basic needs are often dismissed.
Any relationship that ignores the self is superficial.
Unfortunately, superficial relationships are safe...but empty and unfulfilling.
Control is central to the "MO" of the codependent person.
They control their self-esteem by catering to others' needs.
They control by their over-responsible performance, picking up where others
leave off.
They control by avoiding intimacy or by clouding the mind.
They control by advising others on what to do.
These individuals work very hard to control everything and everybody.
Yet, they neglect the one person they do have control over: themselves.