Vegas Voice November 2016

november 16
19
Vicki Wentz
And Eat Lots of Fish - Just for the Halibut!
Vicki’s Voice
I read Prevention Magazine regularly. It’s
where I learn about a different health regimen
every month, and each one is supposedly
the IT way to eat, and the PERFECT exercise
program, and the absolute MUST-HAVE vitamins
and supplements.
This gets frustrating if it’s only been thirty
days since I went to the “healthy” grocery
store (aka TAKE OUT A LOAN!) and outfitted
my entire pantry and medicine cabinet with
everything touted in LAST month’s edition as
being vital to living at least to 104 - provided
you don’t get hit by a bus.
So, I return the brazil nuts and the whole
fennel bulbs, or the Glucosamine and the Turmeric
capsules. Instead, I get the green split
peas, the walnuts, the Probiotics and the steelcut
oatmeal.
As the checkout guy bags my shiny new
health agenda, he gives me a smirky eye-roll.
“You read Prevention, don’t you?” When did
everyone become a smart aleck?
Combining last month’s mandates with
this month’s decrees is not a winning strategy.
You’re cooking something intricate for every
meal, not to mention taking supplements out
the ying-yang.
It’s ridiculous. Even if something felt better,
who knew what was working?!
Plus, I usually forget to take something
during the day (I do have a life...sort of) so
this was not a realistic trial. I needed to concentrate
on MY issues. I had to prioritize.
This required a pen and paper because forgetting
to take supplements was only the tip of
the iceberg in the remembering department.
So, I prioritized memory as #1, and immediately
wrote that down...or I would’ve forgotten
it.
Osteoarthritis is priority #2 because there
has to be something out there that will make
it possible for me to move…you know, without
enough pain to put a lesser woman in bed.
A supplement that will allow me to forego the
knee replacement. I will find it, so help me!
Priority #3 is stomach issues because I’m
on a steady diet of Nexium, Pepto-Bismol and
GasX! I may not be a Millennial, but I’m not
ready for “the home” yet. I should be able to
eat any freakin’ thing I want and not spend the
evening clutching my stomach and moaning.
(It’s off-putting to guests, and totally OMG in
the eyes of my children.)
Finally, it’s cholesterol. My mother - barely
5 feet tall and maybe 103 pounds after a huge
Italian meal has sky-high cholesterol.
The doctor says it’s hereditary. In my view,
if it’s hereditary, there’s nothing one can do
about it. Mom could eat halibut and steel-cut
oatmeal for the rest of her life and it won’t
make an iota of difference! She - or, say, I -
might as well order a pizza and get back to
living, am I right?
But, I have to make it priority #4, just to
say I tried.
So, armed with my priorities, I read this
month’s Prevention and chose just a few dietary
changes to address them. The first was
Mung beans, which supposedly improve cholesterol.
I found them at the EVERYTHING-IN-
HERE-COSTS-MORE-THAN-YOUR-CAR-
BUT-WITHOUT-IT-YOU-WILL-DIE-IGNO-
RANT-AND-SOONER! store.
Last night, a friend came for dinner. I created
a beautiful, healthy and delicious Mung
Bean Root Vegetable Curry in only 4 hours
and 23 minutes. She loved it and was thrilled
with its health-inducing capabilities.
A half-hour later, her cheek and the skin
around her eye began to swell. (I didn’t say
anything; please, I don’t judge.) Then she
noticed that the bottoms of her feet were ballooning
as well.
At that point, I gently encouraged her to
stop by the Urgent Care on her way home,
which, I suggested, should be RIGHT NOW.
She agreed.
As I watched her drive away with her one
good eye, a puffy foot flailing at the pedals,
I saw tomorrow’s headline: “Woman Kills
Friend with Mung Bean Dinner.” I was terrified.
The Mung beans went in the trash. Low
cholesterol is so overrated.
Vicki Wentz is a writer, teacher and speaker living in North Carolina. Readers may
contact her - and order her new children’s book! - by visiting her website at
www.vickiwentz.com.
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