MAN Magazine Winter 2019

DIY
THE MASKED
BUILDER’S
TIPS FOR DIY
“This bank holiday weekend!
Special offers on all DIY
essentials you could need to
brighten up your home.”
Sounds tempting doesn’t it.
T
he people in the advert
seem like they are enjoying
themselves and that cordless
drill does seem like a good
deal. Remember this is an advert which
does not reflect reality. If it did it, it
would probably have to be aired after the
watershed due to the bad language and the
blood, sweat and tears.
In my life, I do not feel qualified to offer
advice or guidance on many topics with my
personal life resembling that Ikea cabinet
that appears put together, but you still
feel unsure about it due to the number of
left-over nuts and bolts still strewn across
the carpet.
But when it comes to DIY (being a
former Builder) I feel compelled to share
my knowledge, if only to avoid having to
salvage any more botched jobs started by
my friends and family in their own homes.
So let’s start at the beginning.
Usain Bolt Olympic sprint of re-tiling the
bathroom.
If you saw someone on YouTube
jump off a cliff, would you do it?
So you watched a ten minute video
showing a person re-plastering their front
room, whilst smiling and narrating the
experience calmly. Unless you have super
powers not yet discovered by modern
science, you will not be able to absorb the
skills displayed on the video through your
eyeballs alone. So don’t be fooled by a slick
production!
Measure twice, cut once.
This is a valid mantra of the Construction
Trade and one that is still ingrained into
the deepest recesses of my mind. Simply
put, you cannot uncut a piece of wood,
as my Grandfather told me in a blunt
Irish manner. So double check everything
before you do it. If you’re new to DIY,
there is no shame in checking three or
four times before cutting anything. No
one will be able to tell how long you
spent getting it right, but they will see
straight away how you got it wrong.
“A bad workman always
blames their tools”
Sometimes the tools are actually to
blame! If you spend more on your lunch
than you spend on your tools, you
may as well use that toasted panini to
hammer in those nails as the result will
probably turn out similar.
Finally, DIY is not a couples
bonding experience! It’s not.
I am not saying that couples can’t do DIY
jobs together, but I strongly advise
against it (unless you have a shared
traumatic event like being kidnapped by
Somali Pirates or being held in Guantanamo
bay). This is the reason why a builder will
have a ‘lackey’ to assist them on any job.
The role mostly involves passing things to
the boss, which are already within their
reach. But the most important role of the
‘lackey’ (or underling) is to be sworn at,
blamed rightly or wrongly for any problems
and be the focal point for any frustration
arising from the job. So unless you already
have these roles established within your
relationship (which may be something
worth looking into if that’s the case, but
who am I to say), avoid it at all costs.
I could go on but I am still in the Builders’
Union, which much like the Magic Circle
has strict rules on what we can and can’t
divulge to the public. So to summarise,
doing DIY around your home is like going to
Vegas. The payout for a successful pull on
the one arm bandit can reap huge rewards
and bring all the plaudits of success. But
ultimately the odds are stacked against you,
and the house always wins.
Author: BeMoreDrew
sevenstarmedia.co.uk
Slowly, slowly, catches the
monkey.
As humans we first learn to crawl, walk and
then run. Even then it takes many more
years to hone your skills to be able to jump,
skip and not fall flat on your face. The same
applies to DIY. So start with small simple
tasks like fixing that kitchen cupboard door
that has been hanging slightly wonky for
months now. Once you have mastered
these “crawling” tasks, then progress
onto “walking” tasks, such as some light
woodwork before going into a full-blown
MAN MAGAZINE WINTER 2019
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