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THE MAGAZINE DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH<br />
SEPT <strong>2021</strong><br />
£5.99<br />
It's<br />
about<br />
time<br />
Could journeying through<br />
your past help form<br />
a better future?<br />
DEBUNKED<br />
8 MYTHS ABOUT<br />
SELF-HARM<br />
EVERYDAY<br />
ROMANCE<br />
Find joy in<br />
the simple<br />
things<br />
In it together<br />
What really happens<br />
at group therapy?<br />
PERSONALITY TESTS | SICK-DAY GUILT | THE ZINE SCENE
A trip down memory lane<br />
I’ve always been fascinated by<br />
the ways that every experience<br />
we’ve been through, the good<br />
and the bad, come together to<br />
create the people we are today.<br />
Maybe the child who was always<br />
picked last for the sports team grew<br />
up determined to make others<br />
feel welcomed and wanted. The<br />
one obsessed with music now<br />
effortlessly tunes-in to moods<br />
and emotions, another who faced<br />
tragedy holds those they love a<br />
little closer, and the friend who<br />
always left the group belly laughing<br />
harnesses that confidence to drive<br />
them towards their dreams.<br />
In a fascinating area of<br />
psychological study, researchers<br />
consistently trace the ways that<br />
early experiences shape the<br />
people we become, with biological,<br />
sociological, and psychological<br />
influences gradually unfolding over<br />
the course of a lifetime (for more on<br />
that, head to p45 where we explore<br />
personality tests and how to use<br />
them). On a holistic level, looking<br />
back can help us reconnect with<br />
our hopes and dreams, as well as<br />
examine the challenges we’ve been<br />
through, and the hurt we might still<br />
be holding on to.<br />
On p92, we share practical<br />
activities to help you plot, and<br />
reflect on, your life. And on p16, we<br />
look at the peaks and troughs of<br />
nostalgia, questioning whether this<br />
psychological phenomenon helps<br />
or hinders our mental health, and<br />
asking what happens when our<br />
lives don’t follow the trajectory we<br />
once longed for.<br />
The past can stir up bittersweet<br />
feelings, which muddy the<br />
waters when it comes to the<br />
topic of nostalgia. We can just<br />
as easily get caught in remorse<br />
as we can in relish. But, recently,<br />
I was given some advice<br />
that completely changed my<br />
relationship with the past: “You<br />
can’t blame yourself for not<br />
knowing back then what you<br />
know now.”<br />
Something clicked inside me,<br />
and with that, the shame, guilt,<br />
disappointment, hurt, frustration,<br />
and regret that so often builds<br />
up over a lifetime, didn’t vanish<br />
– anyone who’s been through<br />
anything knows it’s never that<br />
simple – but felt manageable.<br />
The affirmation worked because<br />
it’s not particularly philosophical,<br />
it doesn’t require self-belief,<br />
hope, or even any real reflection.<br />
It’s just a fact, it’s just the truth.<br />
This month, I pass this wisdom<br />
on to you. And as you journey<br />
through these pages,<br />
I hope they support,<br />
touch, entertain, and<br />
enrich you – but, most<br />
of all, I hope they inspire<br />
you to treat yourself<br />
with the kindness<br />
you deserve,<br />
because it’s<br />
about time.<br />
KATHRYN WHEELER<br />
GUEST EDITOR<br />
W | <strong>happiful</strong>.com<br />
F | <strong>happiful</strong>hq<br />
T | @<strong>happiful</strong>hq<br />
I | @<strong>happiful</strong>_magazine
Memory lane<br />
16 Right on time<br />
Can harnessing a sense of nostalgia<br />
benefit our mental wellbeing?<br />
16<br />
22 Child’s play<br />
Start embracing your inner child<br />
to excel at work<br />
70 Piecing it together<br />
We explore the ways jigsaw<br />
puzzles support our mental health<br />
89 The book of life<br />
Meet the photographer who<br />
captured 100 people aged 0–100<br />
92 Plot your course<br />
Creative activities to help you<br />
trace, and reflect on, your life<br />
Relationships<br />
25 The big chat<br />
How to tell your partner you want<br />
to begin working with a counsellor<br />
33 Mindful activities for couples<br />
45 Who am I?<br />
What do personality tests show us?<br />
85 Keepin’ it in the family<br />
How to navigate difficult<br />
family relationships<br />
Food & health<br />
58 The taste of childhood<br />
Tasty, nutritious recipes to<br />
transport you back in time<br />
74 PCOS: 10 things to know<br />
Get to the core of this commonly<br />
misunderstood condition<br />
Wellbeing<br />
14 What is media gaslighting?<br />
Learn to spot the signs of this<br />
sinister form of manipulation<br />
20 Soothe strong emotions<br />
Tap into these handy tips<br />
34 Orthorexia explained<br />
55 Self-harm myths<br />
Eight misconceptions debunked<br />
67 Sick-day guilt<br />
Overcome the fear of calling in sick<br />
72 Suicide awareness<br />
What you need to know<br />
78 Strength in numbers<br />
What to expect from group therapy<br />
52<br />
Try this at home<br />
32 September nature watch<br />
66 Feel-good throw-back<br />
84 De-escalate conflict<br />
98 This month’s kindness goals
85 42<br />
Culture<br />
8 Good news<br />
This month’s uplifting stories<br />
13 The wellbeing wrap<br />
49 Unmissable reads<br />
64 Things to do in September<br />
89<br />
22<br />
Positive pointers<br />
28 Alternative Limb Project<br />
Meet the woman behind the unique<br />
and stunning prosthetics<br />
40 Eco inspiration<br />
42 Have you zine?<br />
It’s your turn to create a miniature<br />
publication to be proud of<br />
50 Everyday romance<br />
52 The power of laughter<br />
We tried laughter yoga<br />
80 Take pride in achievements<br />
True stories<br />
37 Jason: opening up<br />
He felt pressure to keep it all<br />
inside, until everything changed<br />
61 Sheena: imperfectly me<br />
Self-doubt ruled her life, until she<br />
stepped into the next phase<br />
95 Victoria: coming through<br />
Thanks to her support system,<br />
Victoria rediscovered the light<br />
Expert<br />
*<br />
review<br />
Every issue of Happiful is<br />
reviewed by an accredited<br />
counsellor, to ensure we<br />
deliver the highest quality<br />
content while handling<br />
topics sensitively.<br />
The experience of our past<br />
has a huge impact on who<br />
we are today. The past is<br />
often explored in therapy to<br />
allow people to work through<br />
their experience – and, to a<br />
degree, liberate them from<br />
it. However, there can be<br />
benefits to exploring the past.<br />
For support with maintaining<br />
our wellbeing and stability<br />
– head over to p16. Our<br />
experiences in the past often<br />
inform the ‘self’ in the present.<br />
By connecting with the past<br />
and making sense of it, you<br />
unlock the ability to determine<br />
‘who you are’ in the moment.<br />
This is very powerful, and<br />
worth investing your time and<br />
energy into as, ultimately, it<br />
enables you greater control.<br />
RAV SEKHON<br />
BA MA MBACP (Accred)<br />
Rav is a counsellor<br />
and psychotherapist<br />
with more than 10<br />
years' experience.
Expert Panel<br />
Meet the team of experts providing information,<br />
guidance, and insight throughout this issue<br />
NIKKI EMERTON<br />
NLP Mstr Clin HDip IEMTDip CBTDip ANLP<br />
Nikki is an NLP master<br />
practitioner, life coach,<br />
and hypnotherapist.<br />
BERNADETTE PADFIELD<br />
Dip MBACP<br />
Bernadette is an integrative<br />
psychotherapeutic<br />
counsellor.<br />
GRAEME ORR<br />
MBACP (Accred) Reg Ind<br />
Graeme is a counsellor<br />
working with both<br />
individuals and couples.<br />
NAOMI<br />
WATKINS-LIGUDZINSKA<br />
BSc (Hons) CF Dip Cert MBACP MACAMH<br />
Naomi is a psychotherapist<br />
and WCMT Churchill Fellow<br />
for suicide prevention.<br />
JEREMY SACHS<br />
BA Hons Dip Couns<br />
Jeremy is an integrative<br />
psychotherapist who<br />
specialises in trauma.<br />
SASHA PAUL<br />
Dip NNT NLP EFT CNHC NCFED<br />
Sasha is a nutritional<br />
therapist and eating<br />
disorder recovery coach.<br />
RANIA SALMAN<br />
BSc (Hons) PgDip MBDA<br />
Rania is a nutritionist<br />
specialising in fertility and<br />
chronic conditions.<br />
RACHEL COFFEY<br />
BA MA NLP Mstr<br />
Rachel is a life coach,<br />
encouraging<br />
confidence.<br />
Our team<br />
EDITORIAL<br />
Kathryn Wheeler | Guest Editor<br />
Rebecca Thair | Editor<br />
Chelsea Graham | Editorial Assistant<br />
Bonnie Evie Gifford, Kat Nicholls | Senior Writers<br />
Becky Wright | Content & Marketing Officer<br />
Katie Hoare | Digital Marketing & Content Officer<br />
Grace Victory | Columnist<br />
Lucy Donoughue | Head of Partnerships<br />
Ellen Hoggard | Digital Editor<br />
Janette Owen | Sub-Editor<br />
Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor<br />
ART & DESIGN<br />
Amy-Jean Burns | Head of Product<br />
Charlotte Reynell | Creative Lead<br />
Rosan Magar | Illustrator<br />
Tamyln Izzett | Graphic Designer<br />
COMMUNICATIONS<br />
Alice Greedus | PR Manager<br />
alice.greedus@<strong>happiful</strong>.com<br />
CONTRIBUTORS<br />
Rosie Cappuccino, Fiona Thomas,<br />
Caroline Butterwick, Gabby Willis, Sarah Young,<br />
Rania Salman, Katie Conibear, Jenna Farmer,<br />
Jason Wood, Victoria Hennison, Sheena Tanna-Shah<br />
SPECIAL THANKS<br />
Graeme Orr, Rachel Coffey, Nikki Emerton,<br />
Jeremy Sachs, Bernadette Padfield, Sasha Paul,<br />
Naomi Watkins-Ligudzinska, Michele Scar,<br />
Nicola Ockwell, Denise Bosque, Pam Custers,<br />
Dee Johnson, Clare Percival<br />
DENISE BOSQUE<br />
D.Hyp MBSCH NLPMP EMDR LAR<br />
Denise is a life coach,<br />
hypnotherapist, and<br />
mindfulness teacher.<br />
MICHELE SCAR<br />
BA (Hons) Dip Nut<br />
Michele is a nutritional<br />
therapist, health coach, and<br />
CNN lecturer.<br />
CLARE PERCIVAL<br />
NLP PTLLS EMCC<br />
Clare is a life and<br />
executive function coach,<br />
empowering her clients.<br />
PAM CUSTERS<br />
BA MA BACP<br />
Pam is a counsellor who<br />
specialises in supporting<br />
relationships that thrive.<br />
NICOLA OCKWELL<br />
PGDip BACP<br />
Nicola is a counsellor<br />
with experience working<br />
with groups.<br />
DEE JOHNSON<br />
Pract.Dip CBT MRSPH MBACP MNCS<br />
Dee Johnson is a counsellor<br />
interested in working with<br />
individuals and groups.<br />
MANAGEMENT<br />
Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder<br />
Emma White | Director & Co-Founder<br />
Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder<br />
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GENERAL LISTENING LINES<br />
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WORK WITH A CAREER COACH<br />
Learn more about life coaching and connect with a<br />
professional using lifecoach-directory.org.uk<br />
Visit <strong>happiful</strong>.com<br />
p61<br />
SUPPORT FOR SELF-HARM<br />
Find support for self-harm, and for families and friends of<br />
those who self-harm, at harmless.org.uk<br />
p74<br />
INFORMATION AND SUPPORT FOR PCOS<br />
Discover a supportive community and more information about<br />
PCOS by visiting verity-pcos.org.uk<br />
Cover artwork<br />
by Charlotte Reynell<br />
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One undeniable truth is that<br />
finding the right help for each<br />
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works for one of us will be<br />
different for someone else. But<br />
don't feel disheartened if you<br />
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Prices and benefits are correct at the<br />
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conditions, please visit <strong>happiful</strong>.com
KIDS<br />
Mindfulness could<br />
be key to helping<br />
kids drift off<br />
The Uplift<br />
Sleep is important for all of us, but<br />
for children, it truly is the fuel that<br />
powers their curiosity, concentration,<br />
and playfulness – and a new study<br />
from the Stanford University School<br />
of Medicine has discovered a key way<br />
kids can boost their shut-eye.<br />
A group of ‘at-risk’ children from<br />
low-income families took part in a<br />
mindfulness curriculum at school.<br />
This taught them how to relax and<br />
manage stress by using mindfulness<br />
techniques, without specifically<br />
instructing them on how to get more<br />
sleep. Teachers taught the class about<br />
stress, how to spot it, and techniques<br />
on how to help keep it under control.<br />
Following the lessons, researchers<br />
found that, on average, the children<br />
slept 74 minutes more per night than<br />
they had before taking part.<br />
Although the findings can be applied<br />
to kids from all backgrounds, working<br />
specifically with ‘at-risk’ children<br />
meant that researchers were able<br />
to target what was keeping them up<br />
at night, with principal investigator<br />
Victor Carrión highlighting how<br />
much more challenging it is to relax<br />
when you don’t feel safe.<br />
Moving forward, the study shows<br />
that when we learn to identify the<br />
signs of stress, we can start to tackle<br />
it with deliberate actions – and how<br />
a curriculum incorporating simple<br />
mindfulness techniques could have<br />
a much larger impact than first<br />
thought. Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
ENVIRONMENT<br />
Students create a buzz with bee-friendly seed launcher<br />
A group of student designers<br />
are sowing the seed of hope for<br />
bees, as they tackle extinction<br />
threats with their awardwinning<br />
seed launcher, Sow<br />
Beautiful.<br />
The compact, biodegradablepackaged<br />
creation distributes<br />
wildflower seeds effortlessly, to<br />
provide a source of pollen for<br />
the declining bee population.<br />
Four Heckmondwike<br />
Grammar School students are<br />
behind the innovative device,<br />
which was awarded first place<br />
in the annual Design Ventura<br />
awards run by the Design<br />
Museum, London. Tasked<br />
with creating a product that<br />
enhances everyday life, theirs<br />
channels both sustainability and<br />
ecological development.<br />
The programme, which received<br />
more than 15,600 entries this year,<br />
seeks to shine a light on young<br />
talent, encouraging participants<br />
to gain real design experience and<br />
enterprise skills.<br />
Yinka Ilori – an artist, designer,<br />
and Design Ventura 2020 brief setter<br />
– is a keen supporter of the seed<br />
launcher, saying: “The young people<br />
behind me, they are the future of<br />
the industry, the future of design.<br />
We need to nurture that talent and<br />
support and encourage those young<br />
people. Let them know that you can<br />
make a career out of design.”<br />
The seed launcher will be available<br />
to buy in the museum shop, with<br />
proceeds going to a charity of the<br />
students’ choice. While there’s<br />
still work to be done to reverse the<br />
decline in bees, it just goes to show<br />
that the smallest of creations can<br />
sprout a big change.<br />
Writing | Katie Hoare<br />
COMMUNITY<br />
Hairdressers and beauticians<br />
offered domestic abuse training<br />
Hairdressers and beauticians<br />
play an important role in our<br />
communities and, in line with<br />
news that the Office for National<br />
Statistics recorded a 7% rise in<br />
domestic abuse offences during<br />
lockdown, a new programme<br />
aiming to equip stylists with the<br />
skills to spot the signs of abuse is<br />
launching in UK and Irish salons.<br />
Founded in Nashville in 2017,<br />
by salon owner and survivor<br />
of domestic violence Susanne<br />
Post, the Shear Haven education<br />
programme consists of an online<br />
training session, followed by<br />
a quiz and certificate – and, to<br />
date, more than 25,000 beauty<br />
professionals from around the<br />
world have been trained.<br />
Tapping into the unique role<br />
those in the beauty industry<br />
play in the lives of their clients,<br />
the training hopes to equip<br />
participants with the knowledge<br />
to recognise the signs of domestic<br />
violence, the skills to navigate<br />
conversations with those who<br />
may be in danger, and signposting<br />
tools to help them get to safety.<br />
With the training highlighting<br />
the role community can play in<br />
supporting individuals in need,<br />
and the programme seeing<br />
success elsewhere in the world,<br />
salon business expert Liz McKeon<br />
has been appointed UK and<br />
Ireland Ambassador, with training<br />
and local-specific helplines<br />
available via her website. It shows<br />
how, with the right resources,<br />
professionals have the ability to<br />
step in to make a real difference.<br />
Head to lizmckeon.com<br />
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler<br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | September <strong>2021</strong> | 9
PETS<br />
Did lockdown<br />
make cats more<br />
affectionate?<br />
For many cat owners, cuddling up<br />
with furry friends helped them<br />
cope during the pandemic. But how<br />
has this affected our companions?<br />
In the past year, more of us stayed<br />
home than ever before, and pets<br />
of all types were thrown by the<br />
change in routine. A new study<br />
from the Universities of York and<br />
Lincoln confirms this, with results<br />
noting that 65% of pet owners saw<br />
a change in their pets’ behaviour<br />
during the first lockdown in 2020.<br />
Nearly 36% of cat owners reported<br />
that their feline friends were more<br />
affectionate. And most owners<br />
noted that changes in behaviour<br />
were positive, with 10—15% saying<br />
their pets were more playful and<br />
20-30% noting that they seemed<br />
more relaxed.<br />
Scientists suspect the change<br />
in cats specifically being more<br />
affectionate is likely due to humans<br />
seeking extra contact, and their cats<br />
seeking more… treats.<br />
Even though the affection may be<br />
driven more by a cat’s belly than its<br />
heart, the benefits of contact with<br />
our pets can’t be denied. In a 2019<br />
survey by Cats Protection, nine out<br />
of 10 cat owners said owning a cat<br />
helps their mental health.<br />
Lockdown restrictions may<br />
be lifting, but it’s safe to say pet<br />
cuddles are always going to be the<br />
cat’s pyjamas.<br />
Writing | Kat Nicholls<br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | September <strong>2021</strong> | 11
Take 5<br />
Thinking caps at the ready, it’s time for this month’s brain teasers<br />
Dot-to-dot<br />
Connect the numbers from 1–111 to reveal a throw-back image<br />
4 7 8<br />
1<br />
3<br />
11 12 15 16 19<br />
20<br />
22<br />
36<br />
2<br />
37<br />
5 6 9 10<br />
13 14 17 18<br />
21<br />
23<br />
34 35<br />
24 25<br />
How did you<br />
do? Search<br />
'freebies' at<br />
shop.<strong>happiful</strong>.com<br />
to find the answers,<br />
and more!<br />
33<br />
38 39<br />
75<br />
41<br />
40 72 73 74<br />
80 79<br />
111<br />
76 77<br />
110<br />
71<br />
32<br />
109<br />
108<br />
70<br />
107<br />
69<br />
106 68<br />
88<br />
105 67<br />
51<br />
104<br />
66<br />
52<br />
103<br />
65<br />
53<br />
102<br />
101<br />
64<br />
54<br />
100<br />
63<br />
55<br />
62<br />
56<br />
61<br />
57<br />
60 58<br />
42<br />
59<br />
43<br />
89<br />
86<br />
87<br />
90<br />
83<br />
84<br />
85<br />
91<br />
92<br />
93<br />
82<br />
81<br />
94<br />
99<br />
95 96 97 98<br />
45<br />
46<br />
78 47<br />
48<br />
49<br />
50<br />
44<br />
27<br />
26<br />
31<br />
30<br />
29<br />
28<br />
Emojinary<br />
Decipher the nostalgic film and TV shows represented with emojis
Gender neutral<br />
emojis are coming<br />
in 2022, along<br />
with multiracial<br />
handshakes<br />
Wolf-whistling<br />
and catcalls could<br />
be made crimes<br />
under proposals<br />
for new laws<br />
against public<br />
sexual harassment<br />
Japan has hired<br />
its first Minister<br />
for Loneliness to<br />
tackle its mental<br />
health crisis and<br />
rising suicide<br />
rates<br />
Monthly Google<br />
searches related<br />
to ‘hayfever’<br />
increased 220% in<br />
the past 5 years<br />
A bride recreated<br />
her wedding at<br />
a care home in<br />
Bridgend for her<br />
nan who couldn’t<br />
attend the big day<br />
The<br />
wellbeing<br />
wrap<br />
Stub it out<br />
Five councils in England<br />
are kicking smoking to the<br />
curb, in support of outdoor<br />
eating culture. These<br />
authorities banned smoking<br />
on stretches of pavements<br />
where establishments have<br />
outdoor tables, getting<br />
ahead of the curve with<br />
the UK government’s bid<br />
to become<br />
smoke-free<br />
by 2030.<br />
Musician Pink offered<br />
to pay the fines for<br />
the entire Norwegian<br />
women’s beach<br />
handball team, after<br />
they were penalised<br />
for breaking uniform<br />
rules which dictate<br />
that female athletes<br />
must wear bikini<br />
bottoms, while the<br />
men’s team are able<br />
to wear shorts.<br />
Working it out<br />
Supporting accessibility with exercise, deaf online<br />
fitness instructor India Morse recently created a<br />
series of deaf-friendly videos alongside Joe Wicks,<br />
which now feature on The Body Coach YouTube<br />
channel. India, who runs You Lean Me Up, is<br />
passionate about opening up exercise to anyone<br />
who wants to be involved. What a champ!<br />
The greatest gift<br />
Donating an organ is a huge life decision, and a<br />
recent study has investigated the mental impact of<br />
this – with some heart – warming news. Published<br />
in the British Journal of Health Psychology, the study<br />
found that donating a kidney to a stranger had a<br />
positive impact on mental wellbeing, with participants<br />
reporting feeling that they’d contributed to society,<br />
and experienced positive emotions.<br />
A new project looks to provide sustainable<br />
shelter for homeless people in London, as<br />
the Salvation Army, Citizens UK, and Hill<br />
Group team up to build 200 ‘pod homes’<br />
over the next five years. Fully-furnished<br />
pods will be on pockets of unused land<br />
across the city, suitable for one person,<br />
and highly efficient, expected to cost just<br />
£5 per week to run. Plus, the total build is<br />
predicted to come in under £50,000!<br />
Grow with it<br />
A farmer from Western<br />
Australia is doing something<br />
incredible to support mental<br />
health, following a friend<br />
taking his own life. Sam Burgess<br />
is donating all profits from 60<br />
hectares of his crop to mental<br />
health charities for the rest of<br />
his farming career. Now<br />
that’s the root of<br />
kindness.<br />
Time to shell out<br />
In a landmark case, a court in<br />
the Netherlands has ruled that<br />
oil company Shell is responsible<br />
for its own and suppliers’ CO2<br />
emissions, and must cut these<br />
by 45% by 2030! This is the first<br />
time a company has been legally<br />
required to comply with the Paris<br />
climate accords, and found liable<br />
for its impact on climate change –<br />
a big win for eco-warriors around<br />
the world.<br />
Nicola Coyle, a retired nurse<br />
from Nottinghamshire, has set<br />
up The Grey Muzzle Canine<br />
Hospice, to take care of old,<br />
abandoned, terminally ill, or<br />
stray dogs in their final days.<br />
Bringing the animals into her<br />
home, Nicola tries to ensure<br />
their tails keep wagging,<br />
as they get to live out<br />
their days to the fullest.<br />
Independence day<br />
A disabled dad has been able to take<br />
his newborn son for a walk, thanks<br />
to his wife Chelsie, a teacher, and a<br />
group of her students from Maryland,<br />
USA. Together, they designed the<br />
WheeStroll – a special child seat which<br />
can attach to a wheelchair, providing<br />
much more independence for Jeremy!
What is media<br />
gaslighting?<br />
Are we victims of this sinister form of manipulation? With the help of a<br />
life coach, we explore how to spot and stamp out media gaslighting<br />
Writing | Katie Hoare Illustrating | Rosan Magar<br />
Have you ever found<br />
yourself confused<br />
by guidance from a<br />
newspaper? Listened<br />
to a politician continuously<br />
deny a fact when science says<br />
otherwise? Read a news story<br />
with scary health facts that don’t<br />
add up elsewhere?<br />
This type of reporting actually<br />
has a name: media gaslighting.<br />
Gaslighting is a form of<br />
psychological manipulation<br />
that seeks to sow seeds of doubt<br />
in a person’s mind, making<br />
them question their own<br />
reality, memory, or beliefs. A<br />
gaslighter aims to gain control<br />
over another person, group, or<br />
nation by trying to convince them<br />
they’re wrong, reinforcing their<br />
preferred narrative by repetition,<br />
regardless of fact.<br />
“The term is derived from<br />
the play Gaslight (1938) which<br />
features a husband’s systematic<br />
psychological manipulation of<br />
his wife,” says Nikki Emerton, a<br />
life coach and hypnotherapist.<br />
“This eventually leads to her<br />
questioning her own sanity.”<br />
So how does this translate to the<br />
media? “In media and societal<br />
terms, ‘gaslighting’ may be seen as<br />
propaganda, indoctrination, or mass<br />
brainwashing. Telling people what<br />
to think to fit in. Creating a ‘gang<br />
culture’ so that if you want to ‘fit in’<br />
and be part of the gang, you must<br />
think a certain way, no matter how<br />
inaccurate it is,” Nikki explains.<br />
It isn’t just about spreading<br />
misinformation, but extends to<br />
the deliberate act of attempting<br />
to rewrite the narrative to control<br />
public opinion, and refusing to<br />
acknowledge information that<br />
tarnishes said narrative.<br />
Classic examples of media<br />
gaslighting include the portrayal of<br />
vulnerable women. When Britney<br />
Spears, Paris Hilton, and Lindsay<br />
Lohan came into the limelight,<br />
social media didn’t exist, they didn’t<br />
get to choose how they wanted to<br />
present to the world. The paparazzi<br />
made the choice for them, and the<br />
media ran with that persona.<br />
For Britney, that persona<br />
involved a sexualised childhood,<br />
vilification when she embraced that<br />
sexualisation, and her public mental<br />
health deterioration. Lindsay was<br />
heralded as a child star before being<br />
blacklisted by Hollywood, as we<br />
witnessed her multiple mugshots<br />
being bandied around. In other<br />
words, their only narrative was one<br />
of damaged goods.<br />
Doctors and scientists are<br />
often also at the mercy of media<br />
gaslighting when they offer an<br />
alternative opinion or fact that<br />
doesn’t fit with mainstream media.<br />
They’re vilified, dismissed as<br />
‘radical’, and even their level of<br />
stability comes into question.<br />
So with never-ending scope to<br />
distribute ‘fake news’, how do you<br />
sort fact from fiction?<br />
How to spot gaslighting<br />
in the media<br />
Nikki shares five ways you can<br />
identify when the media is using<br />
gaslighting techniques to tell the<br />
desired narrative...<br />
14 | September <strong>2021</strong> | <strong>happiful</strong>.com
wellbeing<br />
1. You can’t crossreference<br />
the facts<br />
Often, you may hear a report<br />
and go online to source further<br />
information. If you find it is<br />
difficult to attain additional or<br />
unbiased facts about it, gaslighting<br />
tactics could be at play.<br />
2. Information is vague,<br />
unclear, or contradictory<br />
The facts you’ve read often don’t<br />
add up, leaving you questioning<br />
what the actual message is and,<br />
importantly, what the desired<br />
outcome of the piece was. How<br />
did you expect to feel upon<br />
Nikki shares four examples<br />
of how media gaslighting<br />
tries to maintain control:<br />
• Raising anxiety levels,<br />
leading to a desire to<br />
follow a person(s) in<br />
authority.<br />
• Repetition brings<br />
retention. Information<br />
repeated often enough<br />
is likely to be adopted as<br />
truth.<br />
• Shutting down<br />
oppositional views or<br />
overpowering them with<br />
one-sided views.<br />
• Editing media to portray<br />
a predetermined public<br />
image that is<br />
inaccurate.<br />
reading the headline vs how you<br />
feel now? Often it’s confused, and<br />
even fearful.<br />
3. Information is altered<br />
Have you ever read a story, gone<br />
back to show a friend a few<br />
days later, and the information<br />
is not as you remember? Did<br />
you question if you had read it<br />
correctly? With media gaslighting,<br />
information is changed and<br />
altered as time goes by without<br />
factual evidence to support it, or<br />
signposts to note the changes.<br />
4. A significant<br />
bias is present<br />
What is reported is published for<br />
positive gains biased towards an<br />
individual, group, or organisation,<br />
and not the bigger picture. This<br />
is often seen in politics, notably<br />
around elections.<br />
5. You’re urged to support<br />
the story on social media<br />
When you read a story on<br />
social media, are you instantly<br />
bombarded with messages<br />
asking you to ‘show your support’<br />
by sharing the piece? Media<br />
gaslighting often calls on readers<br />
to advocate for their narratives;<br />
asking you to share their story<br />
suggesting you have subscribed<br />
to an official recommendation,<br />
that may or may not be true.<br />
Whether you’re privy to the<br />
gossip columns or it’s strictly<br />
business only, we hope these tips<br />
will put media gaslighting on<br />
your radar, and support you to<br />
question the unquestionable.<br />
Nikki Emerton is an NLP master<br />
practitioner, life coach, and hypnotherapist<br />
specialising in helping people recover<br />
from controlling relationships so that they<br />
can rebuild their lives. Find out more by<br />
visiting lifecoach-directory.org.uk
For old<br />
time’s sake<br />
Join us as we step back in time and explore how harnessing<br />
a sense of nostalgia can support our wellbeing<br />
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler Artwork | Charlotte Reynell<br />
It’s in the scent of the perfume<br />
your mum used to wear, it’s<br />
mixed in with the taste of<br />
your favourite homemade<br />
meal, it sounds like that track<br />
that could be heard blaring from<br />
your teenage bedroom, and it<br />
looks like the skyline from the<br />
personal pilgrimages you’ve made<br />
throughout your life. Nostalgia<br />
creeps up on us, stirring us<br />
emotionally, reminding us of the<br />
places that we’ve been, and of the<br />
journey still ahead of us.<br />
Each of us will experience<br />
it in different ways, but the<br />
science is there to support this<br />
phenomenon’s powerful force,<br />
for all of us. More than a decade<br />
of research from the University<br />
of Southampton has shown<br />
that nostalgia can counteract<br />
loneliness, boredom, and<br />
anxiety, as well as make us more<br />
generous to strangers. It can<br />
improve our relationships and,<br />
incredibly, can even make us<br />
feel physically warmer.<br />
And, this past year, it appears<br />
we’ve been pondering the past<br />
more than ever. Spotify saw a<br />
54% rise in listeners making<br />
nostalgic playlists, and a Radio<br />
Times survey found that 64%<br />
of respondents said they’d<br />
rewatched a series in lockdown,<br />
with 43% watching nostalgic<br />
shows for comfort.<br />
So, what is it about journeying<br />
back in time that is so soothing,<br />
and how can we manage this<br />
bittersweet emotion when<br />
the past isn’t always a perfect<br />
picture?<br />
A trip down memory lane<br />
From the start of lockdown,<br />
each Sunday evening, Father Lee<br />
Taylor – Vicar of Llangollen, in<br />
Wales – could be found sitting<br />
at his piano, ready for a weekly<br />
livestream, aptly named ‘An<br />
evening of pure nostalgia’. In a<br />
regular singalong enjoyed by<br />
people across the world, Father<br />
Taylor performed hymns from<br />
Sunday school, Victorian music<br />
hall songs, and the songs that<br />
“people remember hearing while<br />
sitting on grandma’s knee”.<br />
“At the beginning of the<br />
pandemic, there was much<br />
fear and uncertainty about the<br />
future,” Father Taylor says, as<br />
he reflects on those early days.<br />
“Many people, especially the<br />
elderly and vulnerable, felt they<br />
16 | September <strong>2021</strong> | <strong>happiful</strong>.com
memory lane<br />
were being plunged into the<br />
darkness of isolation, and cut<br />
off from the world. We all need<br />
an anchor to give us a sense of<br />
stability and security during<br />
turbulent times.”<br />
For him, music was that anchor.<br />
“It is incredibly evocative, and<br />
can transport us back to happier<br />
and more certain times. It can<br />
trigger personal memories, and it<br />
can help us recall people, places,<br />
and events from our past– the<br />
memories can come flooding<br />
back to us in an instant.”<br />
It’s this particular power that<br />
Father Taylor believes is the<br />
reason why his livestreams<br />
took off, each one garnering<br />
comments such as, “This song<br />
means so much to me. It has<br />
taken me back to my childhood,” >>><br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | September <strong>2021</strong> | 17
“This has brought back so many<br />
wonderful memories of my<br />
grandparents”, “I haven’t sung<br />
this for many years”.<br />
Reminiscent of studies which<br />
found that music has the ability<br />
to unlock memories in dementia<br />
patients in ways that no other<br />
form of communication quite<br />
can, Father Taylor’s livestreams<br />
tapped into this unique force,<br />
transporting singers on a journey<br />
through time.<br />
“I think people respond well<br />
to nostalgia, especially through<br />
musical memories, because it<br />
makes us feel safe and grounded,<br />
giving a strong sense of identity<br />
and our formation as we look<br />
back to our younger years,”<br />
he explains. “It gives us that<br />
warm and cosy feeling of being<br />
embraced by a long-lost friend.<br />
It can also bind us together with<br />
others who either share our tastes<br />
in music, or are of the same<br />
generation as us.”<br />
The story so far<br />
Beyond the specific things that<br />
trigger a fond sense of nostalgia –<br />
such as music, photos, and foods,<br />
to name but a few – reflecting on<br />
our personal history can help us<br />
to develop better insight into the<br />
things that drive us, as well as the<br />
hopes and dreams that we still<br />
have for the future.<br />
It’s something Helen Hart sees<br />
first-hand in her role at memoir<br />
writing service SilverWood Books.<br />
“The past is such a personal<br />
and important aspect of our<br />
lives; it shapes our present,<br />
Father Lee Taylor<br />
allowing us to identify who<br />
we are and how we can be<br />
the best version of ourselves,”<br />
she explains. “Deliberately<br />
reflecting on the past can stir up<br />
all kinds of emotions, but it can<br />
be healing. Many SilverWood<br />
authors creating a memoir enjoy<br />
working through past events,<br />
reliving them or sorting through<br />
memories as they decide how<br />
to express what they feel on the<br />
page – and that can help them<br />
move forward in their lives.”<br />
Helen describes how, for some<br />
people, writing a memoir can be<br />
like pressing the reset button on<br />
their lives, prompting them to dig<br />
deep into their needs and desires.<br />
With the help of chronological<br />
formats, we might uncover<br />
a newfound appreciation for<br />
the journeys we have been<br />
It makes us<br />
feel safe and<br />
grounded, giving<br />
a strong sense of<br />
identity and our<br />
formation as we<br />
look back to our<br />
younger years<br />
on, for the challenges we<br />
have overcome throughout<br />
our lives, the things that we<br />
have lived through that, in<br />
the end, made us stronger,<br />
more compassionate, and fully<br />
rounded people. We can track<br />
our values systems that guide us<br />
forward, and in moments where<br />
we feel a bit lost, we can retune<br />
into these guiding principles<br />
that have always been with us.<br />
Don’t look back in anger<br />
Of course, not every journey<br />
is straightforward, and we<br />
haven’t always viewed the<br />
experience of nostalgia in such<br />
a fond light. As counsellor<br />
Jeremy Sachs points out when<br />
considering this point, in 17th<br />
century Switzerland, nostalgia<br />
was treated with opium,<br />
18 | September <strong>2021</strong> | <strong>happiful</strong>.com
memory lane<br />
leeches, and a prescribed walk<br />
in the alps, due to its links to<br />
melancholy and depression.<br />
Today, if you’re about to go on a<br />
trip down memory lane, Jeremy<br />
recommends doing so with a<br />
degree of caution.<br />
“Nostalgia looks to the past,<br />
often simplifying it and looking<br />
at it through rose-tinted glasses.<br />
This in itself is not a bad thing,<br />
however people can get stuck<br />
looking back to their past,”<br />
Jeremy explains. “This often<br />
happens when the pain of what<br />
is happening in the present is too<br />
overwhelming. This doesn’t mean<br />
to say the past was better – rather<br />
that nostalgia creates a false, but<br />
reassuring, narrative that it was.”<br />
As an example, Jeremy points<br />
to how, in early 2020, there<br />
was a tendency to compare the<br />
Covid-19 crisis to the Blitz.<br />
“In truth, Covid-19 is nothing<br />
like the Blitz,” he says. “However,<br />
this past experience existed in<br />
our societal consciousness (even<br />
if we don’t have lived experience<br />
of it), and this comparison made<br />
sense of something new.”<br />
He explains how this same<br />
concept can work on an<br />
individual level too: reliving<br />
times from our past can help us<br />
confirm our idea of ourselves and<br />
our connections, and that in turn<br />
can make us feel safe and secure.<br />
“As therapists, we’re constantly<br />
moving between three time<br />
zones: past, present, and future.<br />
We look to the relationships in<br />
our past in order to make sense<br />
of current or future ones.<br />
“However, we can get stuck in<br />
the past, regretting past events,<br />
and believing ‘if only things had<br />
been different’ we could find<br />
happiness in the present.”<br />
Those kinds of thought spirals<br />
can be difficult to break free of,<br />
but the key is to spot when you<br />
might be caught in one. Spend<br />
some time reflecting on the<br />
relationship you have with the<br />
past, and ask yourself: are there<br />
things that you need to let go of in<br />
order to thrive in the future?<br />
When all’s said and done<br />
Human beings are fascinated<br />
by the passing of time – we’ve<br />
been recording it, celebrating it,<br />
and predicting it since, well, the<br />
start of time – and many of us are<br />
sentimental creatures by nature.<br />
But, as with anything, the past is<br />
best served up in equal measures,<br />
with an appreciation for the<br />
present and the future.<br />
Tap into this unique element of<br />
the human experience, connect<br />
with those you love the most,<br />
reminisce on the things that<br />
have brought you happiness,<br />
and celebrate the hurdles you<br />
overcame – while knowing that<br />
there is still so much more to<br />
come on the horizon.<br />
Jeremy Sachs is an integrative<br />
psychotherapist who specialises<br />
in working with trauma recovery,<br />
long-term conditions, adolescents,<br />
and young people. Find out more by<br />
visiting counselling-directory.org.uk<br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | September <strong>2021</strong> | 19
5 ways to soothe<br />
painful emotions<br />
Ride the waves and tap into self-care with these tips<br />
Writing | Rosie Cappuccino<br />
Have you ever had an<br />
emotion that felt ‘too<br />
much’, or feared that<br />
your feelings would<br />
overwhelm you? While emotions<br />
have an adaptive purpose – to<br />
help us stay safe, make decisions,<br />
communicate, and build social<br />
bonds – there are times when<br />
they become so strong that their<br />
intensity hurts.<br />
Although some people<br />
experience intense emotions more<br />
frequently (such as those who, like<br />
me, have borderline personality<br />
disorder), painful emotions are<br />
part of being human. It is normal<br />
to feel large amounts of emotion,<br />
especially in response to difficult<br />
events such as an illness, or the<br />
death of a loved one. Here, we<br />
take a look at five ways to soothe<br />
painful emotions.<br />
1. Engage your senses<br />
“[This] is an act of mindfulness,<br />
pausing and tuning-in to your<br />
body, surroundings, and what<br />
is happening in the now,” says<br />
counsellor Dee Johnson. “It helps<br />
with concentration skills, and<br />
brings awareness, sharpening<br />
your observational abilities.”<br />
If you’re sad or anxious, try<br />
recreating a fragrance you<br />
associate with comfort, perhaps<br />
spraying diluted lavender oil onto<br />
a tissue. Experiment with looking<br />
carefully at leaves during a walk,<br />
and try savouring something<br />
fresh, such as a juicy piece of fruit.<br />
Explore textures to see what you<br />
find soothing; prop a cushion<br />
behind your back when you’re<br />
writing a stressful email. Play<br />
around with sound to see if the<br />
chatter of the radio soothes you.<br />
2. Delve into a story<br />
Stories can take us temporarily<br />
into the minds of others, and<br />
to diverse locations, providing<br />
a short break from whatever is<br />
going on in our lives. For some,<br />
stories involving crime, war, or<br />
horror can exacerbate fear, guilt,<br />
or sadness – so genres involving<br />
romance, fantasy, or nature may<br />
be more soothing options.<br />
Undoubtedly, the cognitive<br />
effort needed for reading a book<br />
or processing narrative twists<br />
can be difficult when emotions<br />
are intense, but audiobooks of<br />
familiar or childhood stories<br />
may be able to offer escapism<br />
more easily, and without any<br />
jarring surprises. Travel vlogs on<br />
YouTube can also be a fun way of<br />
momentarily exploring interesting<br />
landscapes or cities.<br />
20 | September <strong>2021</strong> | <strong>happiful</strong>.com
3. The power of temperature<br />
Have you ever felt either<br />
uncomfortably hot or miserably<br />
cold during times of painful<br />
emotions? Sometimes, restoring<br />
balance to your temperature<br />
helps bring us closer to emotional<br />
equilibrium. If you’re feeling<br />
chilly, relating to deep sadness,<br />
consider taking a warm shower,<br />
and snuggling up with a hot water<br />
bottle. Conversely, if you’re too<br />
warm, maybe due to shame or<br />
anxiety, put a damp face cloth in<br />
the freezer and then gently rest it<br />
over the back of your neck or your<br />
brow. Alternatively, try soaking<br />
your feet in a bowl of cold water,<br />
and see if that settles you.<br />
4. A safe place in your mind<br />
Imagine you’re visiting a<br />
location that makes you feel safe<br />
and comfortable. It might be<br />
somewhere you know well, a place<br />
you have been to in the past, seen<br />
in a film, or an entirely made-up<br />
place. Some people find it tricky to<br />
visualise a scene in great detail, so<br />
browse Pinterest or Instagram to<br />
gather inspiration for how it might<br />
Painful emotions<br />
are often<br />
amplified by<br />
anxious thoughts<br />
look, feel, and sound. The more<br />
detail you can generate, the more<br />
vivid your mental picture will be.<br />
As Dee explains: “Safe place<br />
imagery [is] very helpful for<br />
trauma and anxiety – a great<br />
grounding technique to remind<br />
you that you have experienced<br />
safety, feelings are transient, and<br />
to give a sense of control as it’s<br />
your place to choose to go to.”<br />
5. Make a list, and<br />
then put the list away<br />
Painful emotions are often<br />
amplified by anxious thoughts<br />
(‘what if…’, ‘I don’t know how…’),<br />
not to mention a ‘to do’ list that<br />
feels unmanageable. List all the<br />
thoughts bothering you, and all<br />
the jobs preying on your mind.<br />
Then put the list out of view and<br />
take a break from ruminating,<br />
planning, or solving. When your<br />
mind wanders to your worries<br />
or tasks, gently tell yourself they<br />
are safely recorded, and you will<br />
take care of them when you’re<br />
ready. It’s amazing how worries<br />
can dissolve and tasks seem<br />
more manageable once painful<br />
emotions start to subside.<br />
Rosie Cappuccino is a Mind Media<br />
Award-winning blogger, and author<br />
of ‘Talking About BPD: A Stigma-<br />
Free Guide to Living a Calmer,<br />
Happier Life with Borderline<br />
Personality Disorder’.<br />
Dee Johnson is a counsellor<br />
interested in working<br />
with individuals and groups.<br />
Find out more by visiting<br />
counselling-directory.org.uk<br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | September <strong>2021</strong> | 21
By the end of play<br />
How embracing our inner-child in the workplace<br />
can help us rediscover our passion<br />
Writing | Fiona Thomas<br />
Illustrating | Rosan Magar<br />
What would you<br />
give to turn back<br />
the clock, and live<br />
a day as your fiveyear-old<br />
self? For many of us,<br />
the life of a child looks not just<br />
fun but easy, especially when<br />
compared with the pressures<br />
of adulthood. Instead of dealing<br />
with bills, appointments, and<br />
endless meetings, playing in the<br />
sandbox and taking naps seems<br />
like a far better deal.<br />
The funny thing is, you connect<br />
with your inner child more often<br />
than you think. Have you ever<br />
played a harmless prank, or<br />
doodled to pass the time? As<br />
humans, we need an element<br />
of play in our lives to manage<br />
stress and release endorphins,<br />
and once you allow yourself to<br />
act like a kid again, you’ll want<br />
to do it more often.<br />
22 | September <strong>2021</strong> | <strong>happiful</strong>.com
memory lane<br />
Contrary to popular belief,<br />
bringing playfulness to the<br />
workplace isn’t an excuse<br />
for employees to skive off.<br />
It boosts productivity and<br />
can induce a flow state; that<br />
in-the-zone feeling when<br />
you’re concentrating hard on<br />
something you find challenging,<br />
but also creatively stimulating.<br />
A study published in The Tohoku<br />
Journal of Experimental Medicine<br />
found that the simple act of<br />
laughter can mitigate the effects<br />
of stress, strengthen teams,<br />
and build better relationships.<br />
Adults who prioritise play may<br />
be able to find more happiness,<br />
fight off depression, and lower<br />
their risk of dementia.<br />
Now we’re not suggesting you<br />
surprise the team with a bouncy<br />
castle in the office car park, but<br />
we do have some ideas to help tap<br />
into your inner child at work.<br />
1. Ask questions<br />
As an adult, you’re expected to<br />
be the fount of all knowledge<br />
for children. If you’ve ever<br />
witnessed a child descend into<br />
a ‘But, why?’ spiral, then you<br />
know exactly what we’re talking<br />
about. Try stepping out of your<br />
adult role from time to time, and<br />
lean into the fact that you cannot<br />
possibly know everything all of<br />
the time. Explore the idea that<br />
it’s OK to admit you don’t have<br />
all the answers, and instead try<br />
asking questions to figure out a<br />
way forward. Try posing openended<br />
questions, such as: ‘What<br />
seems to be the problem?’, ‘What<br />
else do I need to know about<br />
this?’, and ‘What’s holding you<br />
back from succeeding?’<br />
2. Talk to someone new<br />
Have you ever noticed that<br />
children are experts in making<br />
new friends? They don’t think<br />
twice about inviting newcomers<br />
into their space to talk or play<br />
games. We adults are a different<br />
breed entirely. According to a<br />
Try stepping out<br />
of your adult role<br />
from time to time,<br />
and lean into<br />
the fact that you<br />
cannot possibly<br />
know everything all<br />
of the time<br />
YouGov poll, just a quarter of<br />
older Britons report having made<br />
a friend in the past six months,<br />
and only 18% over the age of 55<br />
have made a new friend in the<br />
past six years. But reaching out<br />
to a colleague could be the ticket<br />
to boosting job satisfaction,<br />
because – according to a study in<br />
Social Psychological and Personality<br />
Science – small talk has been<br />
shown to improve executive<br />
functioning; the area of the brain<br />
related to focus, prioritisation,<br />
and organisation. The next time<br />
you try to avoid that after-work<br />
event, consider what your inner<br />
child would do.<br />
3. Gamify your tasks<br />
Reward charts are common in<br />
academic settings because they<br />
are brilliant motivators to get kids<br />
engaged in learning, but this can<br />
be applied to modern workplaces,<br />
too. Say you’ve got a stack of<br />
boring paperwork to complete.<br />
Why not split it between you and<br />
a colleague, and whoever finishes<br />
last has to buy the other one a<br />
coffee? Alternatively, set yourself<br />
a deadline and reward yourself<br />
with lunch from your favourite<br />
sandwich place. You could even<br />
bring health and wellbeing goals<br />
into work and get others involved,<br />
trying to walk 10,000 steps every<br />
day, or taking short meditation<br />
breaks together.<br />
4. Be curious<br />
As children, we’re endlessly<br />
curious and encouraged to make<br />
mistakes. There isn’t a person<br />
on Earth who learned to speak<br />
without a whole lot of garbling<br />
and gobbledegook beforehand.<br />
No one figured out how to walk<br />
without stumbling and crawling<br />
along the way. Your inner child<br />
chooses curiosity over ego<br />
every time, so try to accept that<br />
failure might occur when you<br />
try new things. That said, having<br />
a curious mind doesn’t have to<br />
involve big scary challenges.<br />
Something as simple as switching<br />
up the time you have lunch will<br />
offer up new experiences, such<br />
as hearing an interesting radio<br />
show or bumping into an old<br />
friend. Take on that new project,<br />
volunteer to do something you’ve<br />
never done before, and embrace<br />
being a beginner.<br />
Fiona Thomas is a freelance writer<br />
and author, whose latest book, ‘Out<br />
of Office’, is available now. Visit<br />
fionalikestoblog.com for more.<br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | September <strong>2021</strong> | 23
There comes a time in your<br />
life when you have to choose<br />
to turn the page, write another<br />
book or simply close it<br />
SHANNON L ALDER<br />
24 | September <strong>2021</strong> | <strong>happiful</strong>.com<br />
Photography | Joanna Nix-Walkup
elationships<br />
How to tell your partner<br />
you need help<br />
We explore how to navigate the conversation, and help you<br />
integrate your therapeutic life into your dating life<br />
Writing | Becky Wright<br />
‘<br />
I<br />
need some professional counselling, mentoring, coaching, Part of my reluctance to tell<br />
or something else), you may still my boyfriend I wanted to access<br />
feel worried to say it aloud to the therapy was that it suddenly felt<br />
person closest to you.<br />
very serious and final. I’d been<br />
thinking about getting support for<br />
a while but, once I said the words<br />
out loud to him, I knew there<br />
would be a sense of accountability<br />
for me to book the sessions and to<br />
attend. And that in itself was scary.<br />
help, but what will my<br />
partner think? Will they<br />
think it’s their fault? Or that<br />
I’m being overdramatic? Will<br />
they think it’s unnecessary?’<br />
These are some of the questions<br />
that went through my mind<br />
before deciding to start therapy<br />
sessions earlier this year.<br />
Admitting to yourself that<br />
you need help is a huge step<br />
in looking after your mental<br />
health. But, often one of the most<br />
daunting steps in getting the<br />
support that you need is telling<br />
other people – especially the<br />
important people in your life –<br />
that you’re struggling.<br />
As much as you should feel<br />
proud of yourself for trying<br />
to access help (whether it’s<br />
Why is it hard to ask for help?<br />
In a romantic context, people can<br />
fear that ‘having issues’ will make<br />
them seem less attractive. But,<br />
according to counsellor Bernadette<br />
Padfield, there could also be other<br />
fears that make you feel reluctant to<br />
tell your loved one that you want to<br />
access professional help, including:<br />
• They’ll feel inadequate or hurt<br />
because you can’t discuss your<br />
issues with them.<br />
• They’ll feel they are responsible<br />
for you seeking help.<br />
• They could share this<br />
information with others you<br />
don’t want to tell.<br />
Why should I ask for help?<br />
Undeniably, the strongest<br />
intimate connections are built<br />
on a foundation of honesty,<br />
mutual support, and trust. As<br />
part of this, it’s natural to want<br />
to discuss important aspects of<br />
your life – including your mental<br />
health. If you’re reluctant to talk<br />
about this with your loved one,<br />
ask yourself why. >>><br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | September <strong>2021</strong> | 25
Do I have to tell<br />
my partner?<br />
You deserve to get the help you<br />
need, but it’s important that you<br />
feel secure and safe in having the<br />
conversation. Here, Bernadette<br />
lists some reasons you may not<br />
want to tell your partner that you’re<br />
considering professional help:<br />
• You don’t feel safe.<br />
• They may react violently.<br />
• They may make it difficult<br />
for you to access help.<br />
• They may make life difficult<br />
at home.<br />
• They may try to humiliate you.<br />
“All of these are acceptable<br />
reasons for not telling them.<br />
However, from a therapist’s<br />
perspective, they all appear<br />
to identify issues within the<br />
relationship.”<br />
If there are problems within your<br />
relationship, a therapist may have<br />
some useful advice, or you could<br />
explore scheduling a couple’s<br />
counselling session to help you<br />
improve communication with<br />
your partner.<br />
26 | September <strong>2021</strong> | <strong>happiful</strong>.com
elationships<br />
Perhaps you’re dealing with<br />
a painful or difficult issue and<br />
you’re not comfortable sharing<br />
that information with anyone<br />
yet. “Whether or not you tell<br />
your partner is entirely your<br />
decision,” says Bernadette. “But,<br />
it may be worth exploring this<br />
with a therapist.”<br />
Despite any worries you have<br />
about telling your partner you<br />
need help, there is a lot that you<br />
could gain from talking to them.<br />
Bernadette says it’s important<br />
to think about how you could<br />
benefit from opening up. “Ask<br />
yourself ‘What is motivating<br />
me to tell them?’, then list some<br />
of the things you could gain by<br />
telling them.”<br />
For example:<br />
• They may acknowledge<br />
my unhappiness.<br />
• They may be supportive/<br />
empathetic.<br />
• They may respect my courage.<br />
• They may listen.<br />
• They may offer practical help.<br />
Remember, if you’re dating<br />
someone seriously and you want<br />
the relationship to progress, you<br />
need to have hard conversations<br />
sometimes – including letting<br />
them know when you’re<br />
struggling.<br />
How do I start<br />
the conversation?<br />
If you’re concerned about telling<br />
your partner that you want to<br />
seek help for your mental health,<br />
then remember, you don’t have<br />
to do anything until you are<br />
ready. Don’t put yourself under<br />
any pressure, as this could<br />
prevent you from accessing the<br />
support you need.<br />
But, when you do feel<br />
ready, create a comfortable<br />
environment to have that<br />
conversation in – at a quiet<br />
time, without distractions, when<br />
you’re both feeling relaxed.<br />
It’s perfectly<br />
normal to get<br />
upset and to feel<br />
vulnerable<br />
Prepare what you’d like to say<br />
You may be feeling nervous<br />
or emotional, so having a few<br />
points in mind can help you<br />
to structure the conversation.<br />
Unless your problems are very<br />
serious, a short explanation<br />
about how you’re feeling and the<br />
type of support you want to get<br />
will be fine.<br />
It’s perfectly normal to get upset<br />
and to feel vulnerable. Just take<br />
your time, and ask them to be<br />
patient as you open up.<br />
Say as much or as<br />
little as you want to<br />
If your partner wants more<br />
information, they can ask, and<br />
you can answer to whatever<br />
degree you feel comfortable.<br />
If this is the first time you’ve<br />
discussed mental health with<br />
your partner, it could open<br />
a new world of conversation<br />
between you. They may decide<br />
to share details about their own<br />
mental health experiences.<br />
If your issues are deeper, a<br />
longer discussion may need to<br />
happen, but you don’t need to go<br />
into this right away if you don’t<br />
want to. You might feel more<br />
comfortable disclosing this with<br />
therapeutic assistance, such as<br />
in a couple’s therapy session.<br />
Ask for what you need<br />
Perhaps you need practical<br />
support. Could they help you<br />
search for a suitable counsellor<br />
online? Could they take you to<br />
an appointment with your GP, or<br />
your first therapy session?<br />
Asking for help is a big step,<br />
and you should do it on your<br />
own terms. But, when you’re<br />
ready, talking to your partner<br />
could not only help you to<br />
access the support you need, but<br />
it could also help you to unlock<br />
a whole new level of connection<br />
within your relationship.<br />
Bernadette Padfield is an integrative<br />
psychotherapeutic counsellor and<br />
a registered member of the BACP.<br />
Find out more about Bernadette on<br />
counselling-directory.org.uk<br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | September <strong>2021</strong> | 27
The perfect alternative<br />
With a passion for promoting uniqueness, Sophie de Oliveira Barata,<br />
founder of The Alternative Limb Project, shares her inspiration for<br />
developing bespoke and stunning prosthetics, and why her creations<br />
are an active invitation to see and celebrate difference<br />
Writing | Lucy Donoughue<br />
Founder of The Alternative<br />
Limb Project, Sophie<br />
de Oliveira Barata, is a<br />
little shocked when I<br />
congratulate her on 10 years of<br />
her company’s existence. It’s<br />
not something she’d realised,<br />
she laughs, slightly baffled as to<br />
why she hadn’t noted her own<br />
anniversary, but as we chat it<br />
becomes clear why this milestone<br />
may have passed her by.<br />
The Alternative Limb Project,<br />
her brainchild, was established<br />
in 2011 to create unique,<br />
imaginative limbs that empower<br />
the wearer, and inspire a positive<br />
dialogue about the human body<br />
and its differences. Her drive to<br />
design and realise these pieces,<br />
she confesses, keeps her artistic<br />
brain more than busy, and she<br />
recalls many years of working<br />
through the night, and excited<br />
conversations about materials<br />
from crystals to light beams,<br />
clocks to faux porcelain. No<br />
wonder the years have flown by.<br />
During this time, Sophie has<br />
collaborated with amputees<br />
including models, paralympians,<br />
children, charity founders, and<br />
ex-military personnel to create<br />
bespoke limbs that are both<br />
stunning to look at, and actively<br />
draw attention to what can be<br />
seen, rather than a part of the<br />
body that is no longer there, or<br />
was never present. She’s also<br />
exhibited creations across the<br />
world, prompting conversations<br />
about transhumanism, body<br />
perception, and personal<br />
choices of limb representation<br />
and expression.<br />
Sophie, how did you first<br />
become interested in<br />
working with prosthetics?<br />
I studied art in my early 20s,<br />
and worked in a hospital in<br />
my spare time. I was offered<br />
an opportunity to help with a<br />
medical disaster re-enactment<br />
they were carrying out for<br />
training, by creating realisticlooking<br />
wounds with makeup.<br />
The experience marked the<br />
beginning of medicine and art<br />
running side by side throughout<br />
my work ever since.<br />
I went on to study special effects<br />
makeup at the London College of<br />
Fashion, and I became fascinated<br />
with the ways makeup can trick<br />
the human eye. Shortly after<br />
graduating, I took some work<br />
experience at a company that<br />
made prosthetics for amputees.<br />
To me that was the ultimate trick<br />
of the eye: making an artificial<br />
limb appear convincing!<br />
I worked there for eight years,<br />
and was lucky enough to learn<br />
how to make fingers and toes,<br />
partial hands and feet, forearm<br />
and leg covers.<br />
How did your limb creation<br />
practise evolve?<br />
The process within that company<br />
was for the prosthetist to see<br />
clients, and then I’d create the<br />
limb required from drawings,<br />
measurements, and photographs.<br />
So, I rarely met the people we<br />
were making limbs for. However,<br />
one of our prosthetists met with<br />
a little girl called Pollyanna Hope<br />
who was just 2 years old and<br />
travelling in a pushchair when a<br />
bus mounted the pavement and<br />
sadly killed her grandmother,<br />
severely scarred her mother, and<br />
injured her, resulting in a leg<br />
amputation.<br />
28 | September <strong>2021</strong> | <strong>happiful</strong>.com
positive pointers<br />
Through insurance, she was able<br />
to have a realistic looking leg each<br />
year, and I was assigned to work<br />
with her. Pollyanna had received<br />
another limb prior to meeting me –<br />
she’d had stickers on that and liked<br />
the idea of something different. I<br />
could see she was really engaged<br />
with the process, and creating<br />
her a bespoke leg meant she was<br />
getting something special that said<br />
something specifically about her.<br />
Her family and friends were always<br />
excited to see what was coming<br />
next, which changed the dialogue<br />
around her being an amputee.<br />
Pollyanna’s leg had colourful<br />
pictures of her family in frames<br />
one year, Peppa Pig another, and<br />
at one point she drew a picture of<br />
a limb with drawers containing<br />
special items. I was just really<br />
inspired by Pollyanna and, from<br />
a rehabilitation perspective, I was<br />
deeply interested in pursuing<br />
the personalised limb route,<br />
and collaborating with others to<br />
reflect who they are through the<br />
prosthetics they chose. >>><br />
Image | Omkaar Kotedia<br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | September <strong>2021</strong> | 29
How did The Alternative Limb<br />
Project come about?<br />
I had an unwavering passion<br />
for what I’d started with<br />
personalising limbs, and I<br />
realised it was fulfilling a deep<br />
artistic desire within me, as<br />
well as reflecting the unique<br />
personalities of the people who<br />
wore them.<br />
I started to look for amputee<br />
models to create with, and I<br />
found artist Viktoria Modesta,<br />
who was on the front cover of<br />
Bazaar magazine, with her leg to<br />
one side and her stump on show.<br />
In her article, she explained how<br />
she chose to have an amputation,<br />
despite being warned against it,<br />
because she had a withered limb<br />
and had encountered problems<br />
because of that. She shared that<br />
after the amputation she’d never<br />
looked back. Her boldness and<br />
beauty really spoke to me, the<br />
way in which she claimed control<br />
over her body.<br />
Viktoria and I spoke, and she<br />
expressed that she saw how a<br />
prosthetic limb could be playful<br />
and an accessory, rather than<br />
something that’s purely functional.<br />
We began to collaborate, and<br />
together we created the sensational<br />
leg she wore to dance as an<br />
Ice Maiden for the Paralympic<br />
Ceremony in 2012, covered in<br />
Swarovski crystals. She wanted<br />
to focus on being an amputee,<br />
and to make a point of having an<br />
alternative, beautiful limb.<br />
Around this time, I also worked<br />
with Priscilla Sutton on the Spare<br />
Parts exhibition, which turned<br />
pre-loved prosthetic limbs into<br />
modern works of art, Kiera Roche<br />
who is the chairperson for Limb<br />
Power, and with British swimmer<br />
and amputee Jo-Jo Cranfield. And<br />
all of that was the beginning of<br />
The Alternative Limb Project.<br />
How has your work evolved<br />
in the past 10 years since the<br />
company began?<br />
As time passed, our creations<br />
were getting more and more<br />
interest from museums and<br />
galleries. Now, by exhibiting the<br />
limbs I co-create, I’ve realised<br />
they have the ability to start<br />
and extend wider conversations<br />
around bodies, prosthetics,<br />
individual personalities, art,<br />
medicine, and science.<br />
Images (left to right) | Omkaar Kotedia, Channel 4, R. Williams, Lukasz Suchorab<br />
30 | September <strong>2021</strong> | <strong>happiful</strong>.com
positive pointers<br />
To continue this work, I<br />
often use money generated to<br />
collaborate with amputees on the<br />
development of a piece they own,<br />
in return for being the inspiration<br />
and model for a copy of that limb<br />
to go on public display.<br />
Recently I made a leg for a<br />
beautiful champion pole dancer<br />
– a man in his 50s who I sought<br />
out for a collaboration. Initially<br />
he thought that an alternative<br />
limb might be cumbersome but,<br />
after a conversation, we created a<br />
tattooed leg with a hoof that clips<br />
onto the pole, with a sculpture<br />
on the back that spins as he does,<br />
adding another feature to his<br />
phenomenal performances.<br />
What impact do your<br />
alternative limbs have on<br />
people’s outlooks?<br />
From the beginning, the people<br />
who came to me said they<br />
wanted a limb that would be<br />
seen. One lady I met was born<br />
without her arm just below<br />
her elbow, and she shared how<br />
people might not notice this<br />
as they began a conversation<br />
with her but she would clock<br />
the moment that they did, and<br />
it was awkward. For her, having<br />
an alternative piece was a way of<br />
non-verbalising that difference<br />
while speaking volumes, as she<br />
was actively inviting people to<br />
see her chosen limb.<br />
Another gentleman who lost<br />
his leg while he was in the<br />
military explained how he was<br />
surrounded by amputees when<br />
he was in service, but when<br />
he returned to civilian life that<br />
wasn’t the case, and people stared<br />
at him constantly. We worked<br />
together because he wanted to<br />
give people something to really<br />
look at, in a playful way and one<br />
that was positive for him. After<br />
we fitted his alternative limb, his<br />
whole body stance changed. He<br />
was completely empowered. It<br />
was just incredible to witness.<br />
Find out more at altlimbpro.com<br />
and @thealternativelimbproject<br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | September <strong>2021</strong> | 31
September nature watch<br />
This autumn, tune-in to the world around you<br />
Squirrels hunker<br />
down for winter<br />
Blackberry picking<br />
British hedgerows and<br />
bushes will be ripe for<br />
the picking, with juicy<br />
blackberries coming to<br />
fruition this month. Harvest<br />
these tasty treats for home<br />
baking and snacking. Make<br />
sure to stay on the path, and<br />
pick berries from at least<br />
one metre above the ground.<br />
At this time of year, squirrels<br />
begin to hoard food for the<br />
coming cold months. If you’re<br />
happy to welcome these fluffytailed<br />
creatures into your garden,<br />
unsweetened and unsalted<br />
peanuts, hazelnuts, walnuts, and<br />
almonds will go down a treat.<br />
Swallows and house<br />
martins head south<br />
Between September and<br />
October, both swallows<br />
and house martins will be<br />
preparing to fly the nest, as<br />
they leave the UK and head<br />
south for winter.<br />
Deer watching<br />
Autumn is the deer rutting<br />
season, where stags clash<br />
heads as they seek to secure<br />
the perfect mate. Living both<br />
in the wild and on private land,<br />
rutting deer can be dangerous<br />
and unpredictable, so if you’re<br />
interested in watching this<br />
spectacle for yourself, the<br />
safest option is to find an<br />
organised group near you.<br />
Conker season<br />
Falling from horse chestnut<br />
trees from August to October,<br />
conkers may take you on a<br />
nostalgic trip straight back to<br />
your childhood. But there’s<br />
more to them than the classic,<br />
game. Conkers are thought to<br />
keep spiders away – and you<br />
can even use them as a natural<br />
washing detergent as they<br />
contain saponin, a substance<br />
used around the world to<br />
clean clothes.<br />
32 | September <strong>2021</strong> | <strong>happiful</strong>.com
elationships<br />
It takes two<br />
Spend some quality time together, with these<br />
five mindful activities for couples<br />
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler<br />
Offer a sensual massage<br />
You don’t have to be a master<br />
masseuse to take your partner<br />
on a relaxing mind and body<br />
journey. YouTube has a huge<br />
selection of tutorials for basic<br />
massage techniques that you can<br />
try out. Just remember, take it<br />
slow, keep it simple, and tune-in<br />
to what works for your partner.<br />
Create a shared vision board<br />
Vision boards are all about<br />
putting together a picture of the<br />
future that you want. What’s the<br />
next step in your relationship?<br />
Perhaps there’s an experience<br />
you always wanted to try<br />
together, a project you want to<br />
undertake, or maybe there are<br />
big life milestones waiting for you<br />
just around the corner, such as<br />
buying a house, or heading into<br />
retirement. Whatever it is, get<br />
creative and visualise your future<br />
on the board.<br />
Spend time in<br />
nature together<br />
Tuning-in to the sensations of<br />
the natural world around us can<br />
transform our mindset – and<br />
getting back to your roots with<br />
your partner by your side makes<br />
it all the more rewarding. Do you<br />
have a favourite spot that has a<br />
special meaning to you? A view<br />
that takes your breath away? Or a<br />
route you have fond memories of<br />
walking together? Tie your laces<br />
and head on out.<br />
Declutter your space<br />
It may sound more like a chore<br />
than an exercise in mindfulness,<br />
but you could be surprised at<br />
how cleaning and tidying can<br />
help us to switch off and unwind.<br />
Choose an area of your home<br />
you want to focus on. If your aim<br />
is to declutter, take a moment<br />
to consider each item you come<br />
across – does it have a particular<br />
meaning to you? Does it spark<br />
any emotions? And once you’re<br />
done, you can both relax in a<br />
fresh, clean environment.<br />
Couples yoga<br />
When you think of ‘couples yoga’,<br />
your mind may automatically<br />
go to the acrobatic feats often<br />
shared online. But, in reality,<br />
couples yoga can be done at any<br />
level, and is much more about<br />
tuning-in to each other’s bodies,<br />
aligning your breath, and finding<br />
support in your partner, than it<br />
is about pulling off impressive<br />
shapes. Search on YouTube for<br />
free introductory videos.<br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | Month <strong>2021</strong> | 33
Ask the experts: orthorexia<br />
Nutritional therapist and eating disorder recovery coach<br />
Sasha Paul answers your questions on orthorexia<br />
Read more about Sasha Paul on nutritionist-resource.org.uk<br />
Q<br />
I’ve heard the<br />
term orthorexia<br />
being used,<br />
but I’m not sure what<br />
it means – can you<br />
explain it?<br />
A<br />
Orthorexia is a word used<br />
to describe an unhealthy<br />
obsession with healthy eating.<br />
What often starts out as a wellintentioned<br />
health goal, can<br />
become a serious problem that<br />
affects all areas of a person’s life.<br />
Those experiencing orthorexia<br />
tend to follow rigid food rules<br />
around what they ‘should’ or<br />
‘shouldn’t’ eat – and, over time,<br />
the number of foods they allow<br />
in their diet can reduce. It is very<br />
common for those with orthorexia<br />
to spend a lot of time thinking<br />
about food, and to feel a<br />
significant amount of distress<br />
if the foods they deem to be<br />
healthy are not available.<br />
Although healthy eating is not<br />
a problem as such, it’s when<br />
the pursuit for health stops<br />
being about balance, that<br />
things can start to tip towards<br />
unhealthy.<br />
Q<br />
My relationship<br />
with food feels<br />
unhealthy,<br />
but I’m not sure what<br />
to do about it. How<br />
do I know if I need<br />
professional help?<br />
A<br />
Recognising a potential<br />
breakdown in your<br />
relationship with food is an<br />
incredible step. My ethos is that<br />
if your relationship with food is<br />
affecting your life in any way,<br />
then you are absolutely right<br />
to seek out support. And the<br />
sooner you reach out, the better!<br />
The next step is to find a<br />
practitioner who specialises in<br />
this area, so that you receive the<br />
right support for your journey.<br />
I strongly believe that eating<br />
problems require a holistic<br />
approach that incorporates<br />
work on understanding nutrition,<br />
shifting unhelpful thought<br />
patterns, and emotional<br />
support. Together, this can<br />
change your relationship with<br />
food for years to come.<br />
Many health professionals<br />
will offer you a complimentary<br />
initial call, where you can<br />
ask about their approach<br />
to this problem and if they<br />
have experience in this area.<br />
This is also an opportunity<br />
for you to make sure that you<br />
feel comfortable with the<br />
practitioner.<br />
Nutritionist Resource is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need
wellbeing<br />
Top tips for those struggling with orthorexia:<br />
Q<br />
I’m trying to eat<br />
healthier at the<br />
moment, and am<br />
finding myself thinking<br />
about food a lot. Is it<br />
possible to take healthy<br />
eating too far?<br />
A<br />
It’s wonderful to hear that<br />
you are considering your<br />
health. However, if you are<br />
starting to think about food a lot,<br />
it may be time to shift your focus<br />
from health to balance.<br />
When we focus on healthy<br />
eating, often we restrict the foods<br />
we really enjoy. This increases<br />
our thoughts around these foods,<br />
and makes them more desirable.<br />
In many cases, it is far healthier<br />
to take an intuitive approach<br />
to nutrition, where we focus on<br />
nourishing the body as well as<br />
allowing ourselves the foods we<br />
enjoy – satisfying both our wants<br />
and needs.<br />
It can also be helpful to consider<br />
if what you are eating is enough<br />
for you. This is important because<br />
one of the direct effects of undereating<br />
is increased thoughts<br />
around food.<br />
1. Create a supportive<br />
environment for yourself.<br />
This may include spending<br />
more time with people who<br />
have a balanced relationship<br />
with food, leaving triggering<br />
environments, and following<br />
supportive accounts on<br />
social media.<br />
2. Keep focused on your<br />
motivation for recovery – your<br />
‘why’. List all the reasons why<br />
you want to recover – think<br />
about what making peace<br />
with food will bring you. Next,<br />
create a vision board inspired<br />
by your list, so you can wake<br />
up ready to take on the day.<br />
3. Get the right support.<br />
Working with an expert will<br />
arm you with the tools and<br />
support to break free from<br />
the problem. Take the time<br />
to choose someone who<br />
specialises in this field, and<br />
can support you with the<br />
different aspects of recovery.<br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | September <strong>2021</strong> | 35
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true story<br />
Bringing the walls down<br />
Following the deaths of both his parents, Jason felt immense<br />
pressure to be ‘the man of the house’, and to bottle up his emotions.<br />
But, with time, he discovered the healing power of vulnerability<br />
Writing | Jason Wood<br />
What is your most vivid childhood<br />
memory? Mine is from 15 May<br />
1997. It was a chilly spring day<br />
in Chicagoland. The sky was<br />
painted an abstract portrait of greys, whites, and<br />
yellows. The home, where glorious memories<br />
were once made, had now been converted<br />
into a makeshift hospice. My dad, my hero,<br />
lay in a hospital bed, drifting in and out of<br />
consciousness. He had only been sick for a few<br />
months, but the end was near. The cancer had<br />
ravaged his body, much like how this event<br />
would eat away at me for years to come.<br />
I arrived home from school and came to his<br />
bedside. I was able to hold his hand one last time<br />
as he whispered, “I love you, Jason.” His body,<br />
yellow from jaundice, looked like a fragment of<br />
the man I once knew. This was my last memory<br />
with him. He breathed his final breath a few<br />
minutes later, and life changed forever. That<br />
is the memory that defines my childhood. It<br />
quickly trumped the joyful ones of holidays and<br />
fishing trips. My hero, my innocence, and my<br />
naivety died that day.<br />
“You’re the man of the house now,” he said<br />
just a few weeks prior, as Mom and I left the<br />
hospital. At 11-years-old, I needed to take care<br />
of Mom, who was chronically ill herself. My<br />
childhood was over. I needed to be an adult.<br />
The top priority was making sure Mom would<br />
be OK. To do so, I put up a front. I began to<br />
mask my inner fears and feelings because<br />
I could not appear weak. I started to lose<br />
touch with who I was, but chalked it up to just<br />
growing up under special circumstances.<br />
Fast forward to 2005, and it felt like my life<br />
was a terrible rerun. Mom, my last pillar, slept<br />
in a hospital room full of beeping machines<br />
and rattled breathing. After two successful<br />
battles with cancer, she was about to lose<br />
this one. I was only 19 – what the hell was I<br />
supposed to do? I was not prepared to be an<br />
adult yet. The wounds from Dad’s death were<br />
still fresh.<br />
I held her frail hand, she reminded me to let<br />
the dog out, and then she joined Dad. I was<br />
alone, really alone. My siblings had turned on<br />
me. They seemed like the enemy now. There<br />
was an age gap in our family, and I was the<br />
youngest by 15 years. They did not approve of<br />
my new party lifestyle. I didn’t approve either,<br />
but it was the only way to feel somewhat my<br />
age and escape the pain I felt.<br />
I faced eviction, arrest, a nasty estate battle,<br />
and a few dead-end jobs in the aftermath. I felt<br />
broken, I felt useless, but above all, I hurt. >>><br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | September <strong>2021</strong> | 37
I had lost my parents. My childhood memories<br />
felt tarnished. Meanwhile, the rest of my<br />
friends were living their best lives at college<br />
while I struggled to survive.<br />
Did I ask for help? Did I let others into<br />
my world of pain and inner turmoil? No! I<br />
needed to stay ‘the man of the house’. Act<br />
tough, put on a brave face, and impress<br />
others with my resilience. I turned to alcohol<br />
a lot. It temporarily numbed the pain. I was<br />
that obnoxious, loud friend, always up for<br />
another beer. I lied to myself that this is who<br />
I was and wanted to be.<br />
In 2010, I met my future husband, my knight<br />
in shining armour. I could never understand<br />
why he loved me or wanted to be with me.<br />
I felt like I wasn’t worthy of him, and that<br />
he could do so much better than me. As<br />
such, I only allowed him to see the tip of the<br />
iceberg of my pain. I feared that my complete<br />
openness might chase him away. I had already<br />
lost too much to lose again.<br />
This hurt eventually turned into anger. My<br />
perspective soured as the years went along.<br />
I was bitter at the world, at my family, at life<br />
I began to embrace vulnerability;<br />
I felt empowered each time I let<br />
my guard down<br />
for handing me this unfair deck of cards. My<br />
loving relationship with my husband grew tense.<br />
Bickering progressed into arguments and tears,<br />
usually as a result of my abusive relationship<br />
with alcohol. I turned to beer to escape my pain<br />
and insecurities, while still masquerading as a<br />
happy-go-lucky guy.<br />
In 2020, I bottomed out. My weight and selfrespect<br />
reached an all-time low. My drinking<br />
and frustration hit an all-time high. My husband<br />
expressed his concerns, and in this moment of<br />
weakness, something awoke in me. He opened<br />
my eyes to the pain and hurt in my childhood,<br />
and the damage I was doing to myself now.<br />
He recognised my pain and, in a move of<br />
independence, I did too. I realised I was broken.<br />
I ached. I needed help. The following Monday,<br />
I called my doctor and started my road to<br />
recovery. I began working through personal<br />
issues with my therapist, who helped me better<br />
understand my anxious and OCD thoughts, thus<br />
enabling me to address my disordered eating.<br />
38 | September <strong>2021</strong> | <strong>happiful</strong>.com
true story<br />
We talked about how I never had a chance to<br />
eulogise my parents, my jealousy about never<br />
having a normal childhood, the pain of losing<br />
my family, and how the fallout from the estate<br />
battle left the good memories tarnished.<br />
My therapist helped me open up and face<br />
problems I didn’t know I had. In turn, I began<br />
to embrace vulnerability; I felt empowered<br />
each time I let my guard down. I found the<br />
strength to take the upper hand with my eating<br />
disorder, to cope with the pain I buried away. I<br />
reconnected with the parts of me I always loved.<br />
I remembered who I was before life’s vicious<br />
attacks commenced.<br />
I’ve always enjoyed writing, and found this as<br />
my outlet to speak my truths. Through writing,<br />
I learned that ‘the man of the house’ can show<br />
vulnerability. That does not equal weakness<br />
but, instead, it shows love for himself and those<br />
around him. I can be honest with myself now,<br />
with my husband and with my friends. I broke<br />
free from the chains of my eating disorder, my<br />
insecurities, and the hurtful memories.<br />
Vulnerability is defined as the state of being<br />
exposed to the possibility of being attacked or<br />
harmed, either physically or emotionally. All<br />
along, I was the one doing the attacking and<br />
harm to myself by not allowing myself to share<br />
my struggles. I am now on a mission to help<br />
others live their best lives, just like I am finally<br />
doing after two decades of inner hell.<br />
OUR EXPERT SAYS<br />
Jason’s inspirational story provides insight into<br />
how difficult life events at an early age<br />
can have a damaging impacting our self-esteem.<br />
The trauma Jason experienced was evidently<br />
very challenging, and he used alcohol to cope.<br />
However, over time, with a supportive husband<br />
and access to therapy, Jason was able to<br />
work through his past and challenge the<br />
stigma of what it means be a man.<br />
Jason is living proof that men<br />
can be vulnerable, and this is a<br />
true sign of strength.<br />
Rav Sekhon | BA MA MBACP (Accred)<br />
Counsellor and psychotherapist<br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | September <strong>2021</strong> | 39
Vision for the future<br />
10 incredible innovations changing the world for the better<br />
Writing | Rebecca Thair<br />
When it comes<br />
to saving the<br />
planet, there are<br />
countless people<br />
and organisations achieving<br />
astounding things – and yet we<br />
often don’t even know about<br />
them. Here, we’re celebrating<br />
10 fantastic eco-feats that are<br />
worth shouting about.<br />
A fashion brand in Kuching,<br />
in Malaysia, is breathing new<br />
life into old food delivery<br />
bags for a good cause. Neng<br />
Kho Razali repurposes<br />
‘Grab Food’ delivery bags<br />
into school bags, which<br />
are donated to orphanages<br />
across the country.<br />
By utilising an enzyme<br />
found in red blood<br />
cells, scientists from the<br />
Worcester Polytechnic<br />
Institute, Massachusetts,<br />
have created ‘self-healing’<br />
concrete – four times more<br />
durable than traditional<br />
concrete, that reacts with<br />
CO2 to repair cracks in itself<br />
before they become bigger<br />
structural problems.<br />
1<br />
2<br />
3<br />
A team of engineering students from Quebec’s University of<br />
Sherbrooke has developed a ‘beach vacuum’ to collect and separate<br />
microplastics, which are extremely damaging to our ecosystem,<br />
from sand. The Hoola One can process about three gallons of sand<br />
per minute, and could be key to cleaning up beaches.<br />
4<br />
For those eager to explore<br />
the world once again, as<br />
soon as restrictions allow,<br />
using the site ecohotels.com<br />
not only gives you a range<br />
of sustainable property<br />
options, but also for every<br />
booking made through the<br />
website, it plants a tree to<br />
increase reforestation.<br />
40 | September <strong>2021</strong> | <strong>happiful</strong>.com
positive pointers<br />
Dutch artist and innovator<br />
Daan Roosegaarde has<br />
created an award-winning<br />
world-first with his smog<br />
vacuum cleaner. The<br />
tower (7 metres tall) takes<br />
in polluted air, cleans it<br />
through ionization, and<br />
then releases it again – and<br />
is able to clean up to 30,000<br />
m3 of air each hour!<br />
5<br />
8<br />
A piece of plastic can only<br />
be recycled two or three<br />
times, which prompted<br />
Nzambi Matee to come up<br />
with a longer-term solution.<br />
She started a social enterprise<br />
called Gjenge Makers, which<br />
turns waste plastic into<br />
bricks, able to withstand<br />
twice the weight of concrete<br />
blocks. And the best part?<br />
Every day her factory recycles<br />
about 500kg of plastic,<br />
producing 1,500 bricks, and<br />
providing jobs to those from<br />
marginalised communities.<br />
In 2020, Waitrose began<br />
using a fleet of eco-friendly<br />
delivery vans, which run on<br />
biomethane (a sustainable<br />
alternative to fossil fuels).<br />
Given the volume of carbon<br />
emissions delivery vehicles<br />
are responsible for, these<br />
green machines could gear us<br />
up for a brighter future.<br />
6<br />
7<br />
Coral reefs are a natural, sustainable way to protect coastlines from<br />
erosion, but rising water temperatures and bleaching due to acidity<br />
are killing off this protective ecosystem, with 50% of the world’s<br />
reefs already destroyed.<br />
To counter this, CCell Renewables is utilising wave-generated<br />
electricity to grow artificial reefs faster than they would naturally,<br />
to protect vunerable coastal communities and support marine life.<br />
A 3D mesh, called CloudFisher,<br />
is capable of converting fog into<br />
safe drinking water, or water<br />
to irrigate agriculture. Able to<br />
withstand high wind speeds, the<br />
mesh can be made in various sizes<br />
depending on the need, and could<br />
be a game-changer for those living<br />
in coastal areas or the mountains.<br />
Solar glass technology might be the next big thing, with several<br />
companies developing their own versions. One start-up from San<br />
Francisco claims its transparent solar cells, which layer over glass,<br />
convert ultraviolet and near-infrared light to electricity, while<br />
allowing visible light through. Efficiency is being worked on, but it’s<br />
believed this tech could be cheaper than solar panels, with a range of<br />
applications – from the windows of our homes, to car windshields.<br />
9<br />
10<br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | September <strong>2021</strong> | 41
Zine better days<br />
Something on your mind? Why not produce, publish, and<br />
distribute your own magazine about it? All that creativity is<br />
therapeutic, empowering, and fun<br />
Writing | Caroline Butterwick<br />
Lots of us love getting<br />
creative, as a way<br />
of supporting our<br />
wellbeing and<br />
expressing ourselves. And<br />
alongside more notable artistic<br />
outlets, such as painting and<br />
poetry, is the world of zines.<br />
In his fascinating book on zine<br />
culture, Notes from Underground,<br />
author Stephen Duncombe<br />
defines zines as “non-commercial,<br />
non-professional, smallcirculation<br />
magazines which their<br />
creators produce, publish, and<br />
distribute by themselves”.<br />
Zines often contain a mix<br />
of materials: poetry, collage,<br />
sketches, first person reflections,<br />
advice pieces, photos, lyrics –<br />
anything the maker feels like<br />
including. There’s no set way to<br />
produce them either, as zines<br />
may be handmade, with items<br />
glued or drawn directly on to the<br />
pages, photocopied, or created<br />
entirely digitally.<br />
Some people make zines just<br />
for themselves, or as gifts for<br />
friends. Others print copies<br />
to distribute more widely.<br />
Increasingly, zines are available<br />
to view or buy online on<br />
platforms such as Etsy.<br />
For decades, zines have been<br />
used to share interests and<br />
experiences, from the science<br />
fiction zines of the 1930s to the<br />
Riot Grrrl zines popular in the<br />
90s. They can be on literally any<br />
subject: there are zines available<br />
on everything from The Tiny<br />
Little Book of Bunny Behaviour to<br />
Doing Stuff Outside – a guide for<br />
anxious autistics.<br />
Being self-published, zines are<br />
a place where we can control<br />
the content. This makes them<br />
perfect for sharing a diverse<br />
range of experiences, such as<br />
experiences of marginalised<br />
communities.<br />
“We don’t need to fit into anyone<br />
else’s framework or rules when<br />
we have creative outlets such as<br />
zines,” explains counsellor Jane<br />
Fellowes. “If we feel passionate<br />
about sharing a part of our<br />
identity or story, we can then<br />
express this in a creative way.<br />
This gives us space to tell our<br />
own story in a way of our own<br />
choosing, not someone else’s.<br />
There is great therapeutic value<br />
in telling our story, and in this<br />
being welcomed and accepted<br />
by others.”<br />
Mental health is a common<br />
theme in contemporary zines.<br />
Author and journalist Erica<br />
Crompton started Hopezine after<br />
losing two childhood friends to<br />
suicide. “I wanted to use my own,<br />
and others’, experiences to give<br />
hope to all people feeling low or<br />
suicidal,” she says. Erica publishes<br />
Hopezine quarterly, and it includes<br />
a combination of articles, short<br />
stories, poetry, and artwork.<br />
“I’ve always believed that<br />
writing can help us process<br />
difficult feelings,” Erica explains.<br />
She also sees Hopezine as an<br />
opportunity to give a voice to<br />
her friends and colleagues, who<br />
may sometimes be overlooked by<br />
more traditional forms of media.<br />
42 | September <strong>2021</strong> | <strong>happiful</strong>.com
positive pointers<br />
The value in zines as a space<br />
for marginalised voices is a<br />
sentiment shared by professional<br />
artist Deborah Rogers. Deborah<br />
is the founder of participatory<br />
arts organisation The Cultural<br />
Sisters, and ran a project with the<br />
YMCA encouraging participants<br />
to make zines.<br />
“Zines can help provide a<br />
voice to someone who might<br />
feel voiceless,” Deborah says.<br />
“Self-publishing is extremely<br />
empowering, and this is where<br />
zines came and grew from.”<br />
Zines are one of my favourite<br />
creative activities. I find it<br />
cathartic to have this space<br />
where I can write candidly about<br />
my experience of disability and<br />
mental ill-health. One of the<br />
great things about zines is how<br />
you can use different artistic<br />
techniques. On one page I can<br />
include a poem, on another a<br />
collage of words taken from<br />
doctors’ notes, rearranged<br />
to reflect and subvert how<br />
alienating these notes can feel.<br />
“I feel zines allow us to<br />
thoroughly explore an issue, each<br />
page looking at it from another<br />
angle, using a different material<br />
or technique, to look at the issue<br />
differently,” explains Deborah.<br />
“Zines allow us to create<br />
something as unique as we are,”<br />
says counsellor Jane. “They<br />
are a form of free expression,<br />
where parts of ourselves can<br />
be explored creatively, and<br />
presented with freedom and<br />
choice.”<br />
I’ve also made zines as gifts<br />
for friends, the pages full of<br />
things meaningful to us. Many<br />
people share their zines more<br />
widely. Erica posts print copies<br />
of Hopezine to friends and family,<br />
and then around 700 PDFs go<br />
out to her colleagues, past and<br />
present. She also sells them on<br />
her Etsy shop, and archives them<br />
on Hopezine.com.<br />
The power of zines comes, too,<br />
from their ability to connect<br />
communities. “Zines can help<br />
you feel listened to and valued,”<br />
Deborah says. “They can help<br />
link people together, or be a voice<br />
to the community.”<br />
Zines are a feature of many<br />
subcultures because of this<br />
ability to connect people. It can<br />
be really validating to read a zine<br />
that resonates with your own<br />
experience. >>><br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | September <strong>2021</strong> | 43
Zines allow us to create<br />
something as unique as we<br />
are. They are a form of free<br />
expression, where parts of<br />
ourselves can be explored<br />
creatively, and presented<br />
with freedom and choice<br />
“They provide us with something<br />
to focus on which will be of<br />
interest and value to others, which<br />
can give us a sense of purpose<br />
and meaning,” explains Jane.<br />
“Creativity provides an outlet for<br />
us to explore, be, and express our<br />
true selves.”<br />
Visit hopezine.com<br />
MAKE YOUR OWN ZINE<br />
A good way to start is to decide<br />
what you want your zine to be<br />
about. Try thinking of a theme,<br />
such as ‘living with anxiety’ or ‘my<br />
favourite family recipes’. Consider<br />
if it is a project for yourself, a<br />
gift, or do you like the idea of<br />
distributing it?<br />
Zines can contain a range of<br />
creative techniques. One of my<br />
favourites is using ‘found objects’:<br />
items we are all surrounded by.<br />
This can be newspaper cuttings,<br />
old train tickets, receipts –<br />
anything goes! These can be kept<br />
whole or arranged into collages.<br />
If you feel stuck, try “free<br />
writing”. Take 10 minutes to sit<br />
with your notebook and write. You<br />
could use a key word or phrase<br />
that summarises the theme for<br />
your zine as a starting point.<br />
Maybe you have illustrations or<br />
photos you’d like to include? Lists<br />
are also great to use.<br />
It could be music<br />
you’re listening to,<br />
places you want to<br />
visit, stereotypes<br />
you want to challenge, or your<br />
ambitions.<br />
The other consideration is how<br />
you will put it together. I like<br />
using quality A4 paper folded into<br />
an A5 booklet. Once it’s done,<br />
and I’ve made any photocopies, I<br />
staple these in the middle. I once<br />
used thread to bind it – which<br />
looked beautiful, though sewing<br />
paper is time consuming and<br />
fiddly! There are also various<br />
paper-folding techniques, with<br />
lots of guides available online.<br />
Plus you can create zines<br />
electronically. Erica’s Hopezine is<br />
a great example of this, and she<br />
provides both PDF and printed<br />
versions of the finished work.<br />
You could, like Erica, collaborate<br />
with others. Do you have friends<br />
who write poetry, or create<br />
artwork? Some zine creators post<br />
callouts for contributions online.<br />
This is a great way of bringing<br />
together diverse voices around a<br />
theme, again building the sense of<br />
community.<br />
There is no right way to make a<br />
zine, so relax, and enjoy creating<br />
something that’s personal and a<br />
perfect space for exploring your<br />
experiences.<br />
44 | September <strong>2021</strong> | <strong>happiful</strong>.com
elationships<br />
Takin’ it<br />
personally<br />
INFJ, type 2 – ‘the helper’, high agreeability… There are lots of personality tests<br />
out there, each promising to give us more insight into the people we are. But<br />
what do the results really mean, and how can we use their findings?<br />
Writing | Kat Nicholls<br />
As humans, something<br />
that sets us apart<br />
is how unique we<br />
are. Like snowflakes<br />
under a microscope, we all have<br />
different patterns – of behaviour,<br />
preferences, and responses –<br />
which form who we are as a<br />
whole. This can be thought of as<br />
our personality.<br />
Each personality is different,<br />
formed in a certain way<br />
depending on how and<br />
where you grew up, among<br />
countless other factors. But,<br />
in between the differences,<br />
there are similar patterns to<br />
be found. Certain traits seem<br />
to sit together neatly, and this<br />
is what personality tests look<br />
for – clusters of traits that form<br />
alongside one another to create<br />
a personality ‘type’.<br />
Helping us to recognise our<br />
particular patterns, personality<br />
tests were first used in the<br />
workplace and by psychologists.<br />
These days, a quick Google for<br />
‘personality test’ will throw up<br />
numerous results, with various<br />
tests promising to help you<br />
uncover who you ‘truly are’.<br />
As these types of tests are<br />
self-reported – you are the<br />
one answering the questions<br />
– and not always put together<br />
with evidence at their core, it’s<br />
important to take the results with<br />
a pinch of salt. These tests are a<br />
fun and engaging way to learn<br />
about your personality, but they<br />
don’t dictate who you truly are.<br />
So, should we bother with<br />
personality tests, and how can we<br />
use the knowledge we gain from<br />
them in our everyday life? Let’s<br />
start by looking at some of the<br />
major tests you may come across.<br />
>>><br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | September <strong>2021</strong> | 45
The Enneagram of personality<br />
9<br />
Peacemaker<br />
Challenger<br />
8<br />
1<br />
Reformer<br />
MYERS-BRIGGS TYPE<br />
INDICATOR (MBTI)<br />
It’s estimated that more than two<br />
million people take the MBTI<br />
test every year, so it’s likely you’ll<br />
spot it when searching for a<br />
personality test to try. Created<br />
by mother and daughter team<br />
Katharine Briggs and Isabel<br />
Myers, the test is based on Carl<br />
Jung’s theory of personality,<br />
and looks at the following four<br />
dimensions:<br />
1. Attitudes: extraversion or<br />
introversion. This is about how<br />
people regain their energy<br />
(introverts do so with internal<br />
reflection, extroverts do so<br />
by reflecting outwards with<br />
others), and whether or not<br />
someone is thought-oriented<br />
or action-oriented.<br />
2. The perceiving function:<br />
sensing or intuition. This<br />
identifies whether or not a<br />
person perceives using their<br />
five senses, or their intuition<br />
3. The judging function: thinking<br />
or feeling. This is about how<br />
a person makes a decision,<br />
either with rational thought or<br />
using empathic feeling<br />
4. Lifestyle preferences: judging<br />
or perceiving. This reveals<br />
how a person primarily relates<br />
to the world, either through<br />
their perceiving function, or<br />
their judging function.<br />
Enthusiast<br />
7<br />
Loyalist<br />
6<br />
Investigator<br />
5<br />
When you take the test, you’ll<br />
see your combination of these<br />
factors, and be given one of<br />
16 different personality types<br />
such as ESTP (extraverted,<br />
sensing, thinking, perceiving)<br />
or INFJ (introverted, intuition,<br />
feeling, judging). You can then<br />
learn more about common<br />
characteristics of this type,<br />
and see if you recognise<br />
yourself in the description.<br />
NEO PERSONALITY<br />
INVENTORY-REVISED<br />
(NEO PI-R)<br />
Created by Paul T Costa, Jr.<br />
and Robert R McCrae in the<br />
70s, this test started life as a<br />
way to investigate age-related<br />
changes in personality. The<br />
most recent version of the<br />
test, NEO PI-R, looks at six<br />
4<br />
Individualist<br />
3<br />
2<br />
facets of what’s known as the ‘big<br />
five’ personality traits:<br />
1. Neuroticism<br />
2. Extraversion<br />
3. Openness to experience<br />
4. Agreeableness<br />
5. Conscientiousness<br />
Helper<br />
Achiever<br />
Today the test is typically<br />
used during recruitment and<br />
employment, to help maximise<br />
the productivity of a workforce.<br />
THE ENNEAGRAM<br />
Inspired by ancient traditions,<br />
the Enneagram (coming from the<br />
Greek words ‘ennea’, meaning<br />
nine, and ‘grammos’, a written<br />
or drawn symbol) was brought<br />
to the 20th century in 1915, by<br />
philosopher and teacher George<br />
Gurdjieff. Over time, other<br />
46 | September <strong>2021</strong> | <strong>happiful</strong>.com
elationships<br />
Self-awareness is a<br />
key part of personal<br />
development – it’s<br />
how we grow<br />
psychologists added personality<br />
types to the diagram, integrating<br />
it with modern developments in<br />
the psychology field.<br />
When you take the test, your<br />
result will be a number between<br />
one and nine, which represents<br />
an Enneagram type such as ‘the<br />
helper’, ‘the enthusiast’, or ‘the<br />
challenger’.<br />
SHOULD I TAKE A TEST?<br />
If you’re interested in learning<br />
more about yourself, and having<br />
a little fun on the way, why not?<br />
Self-awareness is a key part<br />
of personal development – it’s<br />
how we grow. There are lots of<br />
activities you can do to support<br />
this, including journaling and<br />
meditation, and you can consider<br />
a personality test the cherry on<br />
top of your self-awareness cake.<br />
WHAT TO DO WITH<br />
YOUR TEST RESULTS<br />
Read up on your result and see<br />
how much of it resonates with<br />
you. Some tests will give detailed<br />
report, and tell you more about<br />
how your personality type affects<br />
your relationships, work-life, and<br />
even what motivates you.<br />
Use this information to note<br />
the strengths, weaknesses, and<br />
behavioural patterns you tend to<br />
fall into. Having this insight can<br />
help you adjust accordingly to<br />
work with your personality type,<br />
not against it. For example, if you<br />
learn you are more introverted,<br />
you can factor this into your<br />
lifestyle and make room for solo<br />
reflection to rebuild energy.<br />
You could also ask loved<br />
ones to take the same test and<br />
compare results. Knowing each<br />
other’s personality types can<br />
open the door for more honest<br />
communication. Encouraging<br />
colleagues to take the test could<br />
also be incredibly valuable. It<br />
may reveal how you can work<br />
better together as a team, as you<br />
understand each other’s needs<br />
and ideal working environments.<br />
With all this in mind, it’s worth<br />
noting that as we grow and<br />
change, our personalities can too.<br />
Try taking the same test every<br />
few years, and see if you notice<br />
any differences.<br />
The more we know ourselves,<br />
the more we build self-trust.<br />
This paves the way for self-belief<br />
and the confidence to go for<br />
what we truly want in life. So, a<br />
personality test in itself may not<br />
be life-changing, but what you do<br />
with the results could be.<br />
If you’re keen to explore personal<br />
development more, why not work<br />
with a life coach? Learn more and<br />
find the right coach for you at<br />
lifecoach-directory.org.uk<br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | September <strong>2021</strong> | 47
WELLBEING<br />
BY THE LAKES<br />
FESTIVAL<br />
8-12 TH SEPTEMBER <strong>2021</strong><br />
10AM-6PM DAILY | DORSET<br />
Set at the inspirational Sculpture by the<br />
Lakes, Wellbeing by the Lakes is 5 day festival<br />
dedicated to wellbeing, exploring what it means<br />
to be mindful and live well in today’s world.<br />
Yoga . Fitness . Pilates . Breathwork . Qoya . Sound Healing<br />
Expert Talks . Guided Meditations . Delicious Food . Art Gallery<br />
Award-Winning Gardens . Marketplace . Massage & Healing Therapies<br />
DAY TICKETS £12.50* | WWW.WELLBEINGBYTHELAKES.CO.UK<br />
*Excludes bookable activities. Please see website for more information. Please note no children under 14 (including babies) or dogs are permitted on site<br />
BOOK<br />
NOW<br />
Our partners:<br />
Wellbeing by the Lakes - Sculpture by the Lakes, Dorchester, Dorset DT2 8QU<br />
48 | August <strong>2021</strong> | <strong>happiful</strong>.com
culture<br />
Happiful reads...<br />
Happiful reads...<br />
From ways to spice up your favourite noodle recipes to uplifting<br />
stories, we share four books you won’t want to miss this month<br />
Writing | Chelsea Graham<br />
Grief can come as a<br />
shock, and it can be<br />
difficult to know how<br />
move forward. When<br />
Amy loses her mum, she realises<br />
she has now become the ‘woman<br />
of the family’. While navigating<br />
her feelings, she also begins to<br />
work her way through learning<br />
the skills her mother never got a<br />
chance to teach her.<br />
Amy comes to realise that<br />
she doesn’t know how to keep<br />
the peace between her feuding<br />
aunts, or how to react when<br />
her dad makes lasagne for an<br />
unknown woman. Uplifting,<br />
relatable, and honest, Amy<br />
Lavelle’s novel will resonate<br />
with anyone who has ever<br />
experienced the loss of someone<br />
close to them, or who has had<br />
Definitely Fine<br />
by Amy Lavelle<br />
Out now<br />
to navigate challenging and<br />
important life moments without<br />
the person who had, before,<br />
always been there to guide them.<br />
Must reads<br />
Book covers | amazon.co.uk<br />
Bowls & Broths<br />
by Pippa<br />
Middlehurst<br />
2 September<br />
Once a cancer<br />
research<br />
scientist, and<br />
now a cook<br />
and author, Pippa Middlehurst is<br />
a keen advocate for building the<br />
noodle bowl from the bottom up.<br />
Sharing recipes for heart-warming<br />
broths, fiery noodle bowls, and<br />
crunchy toppings, Pippa has a<br />
recipe for every craving. She<br />
believes it’s important to offer<br />
accessible recipes that can be<br />
adapted for each reader, and so<br />
creates options with each dish.<br />
Patience by<br />
Victoria Scott<br />
Out now<br />
The Willow’s<br />
youngest<br />
daughter,<br />
Patience, has<br />
Rett syndrome<br />
– meaning she is trapped in her<br />
own body – forcing her family to<br />
make all of her decisions on her<br />
behalf. An extraordinary story<br />
of love, hope, and dilemma,<br />
Patience is a heart-wrenching<br />
tale of parents given the chance<br />
to cure their child’s disease, and<br />
who must to decide whether<br />
a seemingly impossible risk is<br />
worth the reward.<br />
A Book of Secrets<br />
by Derren Brown<br />
2 September<br />
Having previously<br />
written a book all<br />
about happiness,<br />
Derren now<br />
explores why this<br />
may not be our only successful<br />
route to finding value. He delves<br />
into the idea that maybe there<br />
is something to be found in our<br />
frustrations, and in uncertainty.<br />
A deep dive into history, his own<br />
experiences, and the opinions of<br />
others, this book is a wonderful<br />
exploration of how we can find<br />
compassion and consolation in<br />
surprising places.<br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | September <strong>2021</strong> | 49
How to find romance<br />
in the everyday<br />
See the world around you in a new light with these<br />
tips for introducing romance into your day<br />
Writing | Gabby Willis<br />
Illustrating | Rosan Magar<br />
Not just something<br />
connected to love and<br />
relationships, romance<br />
can be as simple as harnessing<br />
feelings of mystery, excitement,<br />
exoticism, and appreciation of the<br />
day-to-day things that make life a<br />
pleasure to experience.<br />
Deeply connected to gratitude<br />
and self-love, harnessing the<br />
romance of the everyday can be<br />
the perfect foundation for lifting<br />
our spirits, and self-soothing<br />
when life has been a little rough.<br />
We’ve all experienced throwing<br />
open the curtains to bask in warm<br />
rays of sunshine that flood into a<br />
previously cool and dark room,<br />
and it’s time to tap into that<br />
feeling more.<br />
Danielle Thornton-Walker, a<br />
life coach at Danielle Louise<br />
Coaching, says: “The love that we<br />
feel for anything comes from us<br />
– so if the inside of you is a soft,<br />
sunny space, it’s going to radiate<br />
from the outside too.”<br />
Whether you find romance in<br />
the smell of fresh laundry<br />
and new books, or<br />
50 | September <strong>2021</strong> | <strong>happiful</strong>.com
positive pointers<br />
the rush you get when listening to<br />
your favourite song in the car with<br />
the windows down, here are five<br />
ways you can find and harness the<br />
romance of the everyday to make<br />
your own, and others’, lives better.<br />
1. BE PRESENT IN<br />
THE MOMENT<br />
Danielle encourages you to take<br />
some time to immerse yourself<br />
into the present moment. Just like<br />
being in love, being wrapped up<br />
in a moment – as if nothing else<br />
matters – does wonders for our<br />
wellbeing.<br />
As Danielle explains, when you<br />
tune-in to the simple things, and<br />
get real joy from them, your brain<br />
floods your body with oxytocin,<br />
serotonin, and dopamine – ‘happy’<br />
hormones that make you feel alive<br />
and at peace.<br />
2. PRACTISE GRATITUDE<br />
Starting, and/or ending, your day<br />
with gratitude can also help you<br />
remain present and in love with<br />
the moment. Danielle says: “You<br />
can’t be practising gratitude and<br />
feel angry, or shame, or jealousy,<br />
or any of those uncomfortable<br />
feelings. Practising gratitude<br />
brings in all the joy, the<br />
love, the hope, and the<br />
optimism, and raises your<br />
emotional vibration.”<br />
You might be grateful for<br />
the taste of your favourite<br />
food, or the soothing sound of<br />
heavy rain. You could have a bad<br />
day, but there’s always something<br />
romantic to be grateful for,<br />
somewhere. Try making a list of<br />
five things you’re grateful for in<br />
the day ahead when you wake up,<br />
and add five extra things before<br />
you go to sleep.<br />
3. USE ALL OF YOUR SENSES<br />
Really paying attention to sights,<br />
sounds, smells, sensations, and<br />
tastes will give you more things to<br />
find romance in.<br />
We’ve all experienced<br />
throwing open the<br />
curtains to bask in<br />
warm rays of sunshine,<br />
and it's time to tap into<br />
that feeling more<br />
This is something Karen<br />
Liebenguth, qualified life coach<br />
and accredited mindfulness<br />
teacher, believes in strongly. She<br />
says we should also engage in<br />
things we are passionate about,<br />
like really immersing ourselves in<br />
a piece of music, or finding bliss<br />
in sinking our hands into the<br />
dough when baking bread.<br />
All of these feelings and<br />
activities contribute to making<br />
us feel relaxed, fulfilled, and<br />
alive, which in itself can be<br />
very romantic. At times, it is<br />
impossible to hear the birds sing,<br />
feel the dewy grass underfoot,<br />
and see summer blossoms in<br />
bloom without feeling in love<br />
with yourself, your surroundings,<br />
and your companions.<br />
4. SPEND TIME OUTDOORS<br />
Karen says: “Beauty can ignite<br />
awe and wonder, [but that] can<br />
also happen with meditation<br />
– when we sit quietly with<br />
ourselves, are connected to the<br />
body and breath, and the mind<br />
quietens down.”<br />
Karen often meets her coaching<br />
clients outdoors, and encourages<br />
them to practise mindfulness<br />
and meditation in green or open<br />
spaces. This can help with a sense<br />
of connection to life around us,<br />
something bigger than ourselves,<br />
which is key to appreciating the<br />
romance of the everyday.<br />
5. MAKE IT A HABIT<br />
Danielle adds that this all needs<br />
to be done regularly to appreciate<br />
the effects. Your brain likes<br />
consistency and evidence, and<br />
will start to do these things on its<br />
own once you’ve taught it to.<br />
Pamela Rose, psychotherapist<br />
and coach, says creating a habit<br />
of appreciating the romance<br />
around you will help you fall back<br />
in love with your life, and boost<br />
your wellbeing.<br />
Pamela says: “Try starting a new<br />
daily habit of picking one thing<br />
that day you’ve loved. It can be<br />
difficult to remember to do this<br />
at first, so leave yourself a note<br />
perhaps next to your toothbrush.<br />
And while you’re brushing your<br />
teeth, think back through the<br />
day and pick one thing you felt<br />
was perfect, just the way it was.<br />
This helps to release serotonin<br />
and fills you with peaceful calm.<br />
Your brain will start to realise<br />
how great this feels, and will<br />
encourage you to do more of this<br />
throughout the day.”<br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | September <strong>2021</strong> | 51
You’re having<br />
a laugh<br />
Laughter yoga classes are taking<br />
off around the world, so Happiful’s<br />
Kathryn Wheeler signed up for<br />
a session to discover the serious<br />
benefits behind having a chuckle<br />
It’s 3pm on a Monday, and I’m sat<br />
in front of my laptop, ready to<br />
join a virtual laughter yoga class.<br />
When I first stumbled across the<br />
idea of ‘laughter yoga’, in my mind’s<br />
eye I envisioned a group of people<br />
heartily laughing while in traditional<br />
yoga poses – similar to my own<br />
reaction every time I poorly attempt<br />
downward facing dog – and I was<br />
about halfway right.<br />
Laughter yoga, as it is done today,<br />
was developed by medical doctor<br />
Dr Madan Kataria who, after<br />
studying the numerous benefits<br />
of laughter, was inspired to<br />
launch the first ‘Laughter Club’<br />
with five people in a park. The<br />
group gathered in a circle, told<br />
jokes, messed around, were<br />
generally silly, and had a laugh.<br />
Rather than adapting the yoga<br />
poses we’re accustomed to, Dr<br />
Kataria’s laughing yoga was<br />
more focused on tuning-in to the<br />
intentionality and mindfulness<br />
of yoga, mixing in breathing<br />
and stretching with moments of<br />
prompted laughter. Following<br />
the first few trials, he realised<br />
that the body cannot distinguish<br />
between real and pretend<br />
laughter – furthermore, makebelieve<br />
laughter often turned<br />
genuine, and the physiological<br />
benefits of the exercise were felt<br />
for days after the sessions.<br />
With that discovery, the practice<br />
took off, and today Dr Kataria<br />
runs a free virtual laughter club<br />
every day – which is what I’m<br />
about to dive into.<br />
52 | September <strong>2021</strong> | <strong>happiful</strong>.com
positive pointers<br />
With a mix of periods of laughing,<br />
stretching, and breathing, Dr Kataria<br />
masterfully switched the tone between<br />
peaceful quietness and jubilant laughter<br />
A perk of going virtual, the<br />
Laughter Club attracts people<br />
from all over the world, and<br />
as the host welcomes the<br />
‘international family’ to the<br />
call, I see ‘hellos’ from Italy,<br />
Japan, Spain, Brazil, Portugal,<br />
Germany, Israel, Uruguay, and<br />
Hull. The first part of the session<br />
was hosted by laughter yogi<br />
Vinayak Shastri, who took a<br />
moment to remind us that we’re<br />
all small children, that the child<br />
is still within us, that we have<br />
suppressed that child, but in<br />
Laughter Club we’ll allow that<br />
child to come out once again.<br />
This leads us seamlessly into two<br />
minutes of freeform ‘silly time’ –<br />
and, let me tell you, the attendees<br />
of the Laughter Club understood<br />
the brief. As my Zoom window<br />
jumps from person to person,<br />
I watch, half in bewilderment<br />
and half in awe, as people blow<br />
raspberries, pull funny faces, and<br />
make all kinds of odd noises with<br />
not a single punch pulled. At this<br />
point, I did try to access my own<br />
inner child – but because, as a<br />
child, I was painfully shy, serious,<br />
and usually found on the sidelines<br />
of the action, I didn’t find much<br />
help there. That said, who could<br />
resist letting out a chuckle as an<br />
adult man gleefully flies across<br />
your screen making aeroplane<br />
noises? It was all very, very<br />
silly – though, of course, that’s<br />
completely the point.<br />
But the benefits of laughter<br />
yoga are no joke. On a physical<br />
level, laughter increases our<br />
intake of oxygen, stimulating<br />
our heart, lungs, and muscles.<br />
From there, it increases the<br />
endorphins (feel-good chemicals)<br />
that are released by the brain,<br />
soothing our stress response<br />
and even decreasing our blood<br />
pressure. It’s these endorphins<br />
that leave us feeling happy and<br />
calm after a good laugh – add<br />
some friendly company into the<br />
mix and you’ve got yourself a<br />
recipe for a good time.<br />
About 20 minutes into the<br />
session, it was time for the<br />
main attraction, as Dr Madan<br />
Kataria came on the call to<br />
guide us through the next<br />
stage. With a mix of periods of<br />
laughing, stretching, clapping,<br />
and breathing, Dr Kataria<br />
masterfully switched the tone<br />
between peaceful quietness<br />
and jubilant laughter, and soon<br />
– without really realising it – I<br />
found myself laughing along<br />
without having to try. Over the<br />
course of the session, I shed that<br />
self-conscious layer that was<br />
stopping me from letting go at<br />
the start. I was laughing from<br />
my belly, and feeling the warmth<br />
spreading through my body,<br />
mixed with deep, healing breaths<br />
and stretches as I embraced this<br />
hour of silliness and solace in<br />
the middle of a standard, busy<br />
workday.<br />
The session ended with a<br />
dance party to Pharrell Williams’<br />
‘Happy’ (no prizes for guessing<br />
that song), and as I watched the<br />
images of people from all over<br />
the world freely dancing while<br />
grinning ear-to-ear – one man<br />
even taking a break to wipe<br />
the tears from his eyes – I got<br />
it. I got the power of letting go<br />
of the behaviours you may not<br />
have even realised were holding<br />
you down, to let all the silliness<br />
bubble up to the surface, to shed<br />
seriousness and sensibleness,<br />
and to just have fun. That<br />
evening, I felt lighter, playful,<br />
and relaxed. And the best part? A<br />
good laugh doesn’t cost a thing.<br />
Fancy giving laughter yoga a go?<br />
Join free, virtual classes every day<br />
at laughteryoga.org<br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | September <strong>2021</strong> | 53
Let us make our future<br />
now, and let us make our<br />
dreams tomorrow’s reality<br />
MALALA YOUSAFZAI<br />
54 | September <strong>2021</strong> | <strong>happiful</strong>.com<br />
Photography | Emiliano Vittoriosi
wellbeing<br />
Content warning: this piece<br />
discusses topics and details<br />
relating to self-harm<br />
7 myths about<br />
self-harm, debunked<br />
Sort the facts from the fiction when it comes<br />
to the sensitive topic of self-harm<br />
Writing | Sarah Young<br />
A<br />
Lancet Psychiatry study<br />
found that, in 2014,<br />
6% of 16–74-year-olds<br />
living in England had<br />
self-harmed, which is equivalent<br />
to more than one in 20 people. In<br />
young women aged 16–24, this<br />
figure is one in five. And yet, selfharm<br />
is still a topic that’s often<br />
considered ‘taboo’, surrounded by<br />
myths, stigma, and stereotypes<br />
that make people afraid to ask for<br />
help for fear of negative attention.<br />
So, it’s time to clear up some of the<br />
myths and misconceptions about<br />
self-harm.<br />
1. People who self-harm<br />
are attention-seeking<br />
This may be one of the most<br />
pervasive myths surrounding<br />
those who self-harm, and one<br />
that dismisses and invalidates<br />
the emotional anguish that they<br />
experience. Many people who selfharm<br />
feel ashamed and go to great<br />
lengths to hide their injuries from<br />
others, as often the attention that<br />
self-harm brings is negative due to<br />
stigma. The reasons why people<br />
self-harm vary immensely and are<br />
personal to each individual.<br />
Emily, 29, who lives with<br />
depression and CPTSD, says: “Selfharm<br />
is a coping mechanism for<br />
when I’m experiencing extreme<br />
emotions that cannot be relieved<br />
by anything that isn’t destructive.<br />
Also, when I am dissociated and<br />
not able to connect to the real<br />
world, it grounds me.”<br />
It’s also important to address<br />
our perceptions of “attentionseeking”.<br />
When someone sneers<br />
that “people who self-harm just<br />
do it for attention”, we can feel the<br />
need to prove them wrong. But<br />
why do we view this through such<br />
a negative lens? Often people don’t<br />
have the words, or the confidence,<br />
to say that they need help. While<br />
the last thing many people who<br />
self-harm want is attention, for<br />
others it may be a call for help.<br />
When someone is trying to<br />
communicate that they are in pain,<br />
they need validation and support,<br />
not ridicule and dismissal.<br />
2. Self-harm is just cutting<br />
Typically, when people hear ‘selfharm’,<br />
the first thing they think of<br />
is cutting. While this is a common<br />
method of self-harm, it is not the<br />
only way that people can cause<br />
damage to themselves, either<br />
internally or externally. Other<br />
forms of self-harm to be aware of<br />
include overdosing and substance<br />
misuse, excessive exercise, or<br />
harming themselves through<br />
eating disorders. >>><br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | September <strong>2021</strong> | 55
Where to get help<br />
If you are affected by self-harm,<br />
here are some ways you get<br />
support or information<br />
Phone and text lines<br />
• Samaritans: 116 123 or<br />
jo@samaritans.org<br />
• Shout crisis text line: Text<br />
“SHOUT” to 85258 or<br />
“YM” if you’re under 19<br />
• Childline: 0800 1111<br />
(under 19s).<br />
• YoungMinds parents helpline:<br />
0808 802 5544<br />
• Mind: 0300 123 3393<br />
Webchat services<br />
• Self Injury Support webchat<br />
(for women) is open Tuesday,<br />
and Thursday from 7pm to<br />
9.30pm<br />
• CALM webchat (for men) is<br />
open from 5pm to midnight<br />
every day<br />
3. It’s just a phase<br />
Some people’s experience of<br />
self-harm can be more isolated,<br />
related to a specific situation, and<br />
may stop once that has resolved.<br />
Others may self-harm as a<br />
long-term coping mechanism.<br />
Similar to how some people<br />
crave cigarettes or alcohol in<br />
times of great stress, others may<br />
find an emotional release from<br />
self-harm, which could become<br />
habitual, or even addictive.<br />
“When I was younger, I was<br />
genuinely addicted to it and would<br />
self-harm every day at some<br />
points,” says Emily. “I didn’t know<br />
how else to deal with emotions.”<br />
4. Only teenagers self-harm<br />
Ivy*, 30, who has struggled with<br />
severe depression throughout<br />
her life, says: “One of the biggest<br />
myths around self-harm is that<br />
it’s just teenagers and young<br />
adults who do it. A lot of selfharmers<br />
carry on much further<br />
into adulthood.”<br />
A culmination of the emotional,<br />
hormonal, and physical changes<br />
in teenage years can mean that<br />
this age group is more likely to<br />
become overwhelmed and use<br />
self-harm as a way of coping,<br />
especially if there are other<br />
difficulties going on in their lives.<br />
But self-harm can begin or stop<br />
at any age. Claire*, 28, shared<br />
her experiences of her daughter<br />
Anna* with me.<br />
“When Anna was only three<br />
years old, she began hitting<br />
herself on the head when she<br />
became overwhelmed. I was<br />
56 | September <strong>2021</strong> | <strong>happiful</strong>.com
*Names have been<br />
changed for privacy.<br />
very concerned and searched for<br />
counsellors to help Anna but,<br />
due to her age, there wasn’t any<br />
support that they could provide,<br />
which was very upsetting.<br />
I talked with Anna about<br />
expressing emotions and tried<br />
to validate any feelings she had.<br />
When she started school there<br />
was an incident where Anna was<br />
playing with another child and<br />
an accident happened that upset<br />
the other child. Anna’s way of<br />
dealing with that was to slam<br />
her fingers in the door. She was<br />
trying to hurt herself to make<br />
things right.<br />
“It hasn’t happened again but you<br />
can see when she gets upset or<br />
frustrated she does bang her fists<br />
on herself. It is her struggling to<br />
deal with difficult emotions.”<br />
5. It’s a slippery slope to more<br />
severe self-harm or suicide<br />
Some people who self-harm<br />
may have suicidal thoughts, but<br />
many do not. The intent behind<br />
self-harm and suicide can be<br />
very different: one is a coping<br />
mechanism, and one is a desire<br />
to end their life. In this way,<br />
they could even be said to be at<br />
opposite ends of the scale, and<br />
each require a different approach<br />
to treatment.<br />
It’s important to be aware that<br />
some people’s self-harm may<br />
escalate over time, but for many<br />
their level of self-harm will<br />
remain consistent. For example,<br />
I self-harmed frequently for<br />
more than 10 years: I never<br />
required hospital treatment and<br />
my self-harm never increased in<br />
severity. This isn’t to minimise<br />
the seriousness of it, but more<br />
to make you aware that not<br />
all those who self-harm will<br />
require hospital treatment, and<br />
hopefully in time people can<br />
find alternative, healthier coping<br />
mechanisms.<br />
6. People can choose to<br />
stop self-harming<br />
Telling someone that they<br />
can ‘just stop’ is an unrealistic<br />
expectation that they often won’t<br />
be able to live up to. And for<br />
some, who may use self-harm<br />
to cope with extreme feelings,<br />
it can even be dangerous to<br />
abruptly cease all self-harm<br />
as they may be left without an<br />
outlet. It’s important to support<br />
them in finding safer ways of<br />
coping – this is likely to involve<br />
working with a therapist.<br />
Attempting to prevent someone<br />
wellbeing<br />
When someone<br />
is trying to<br />
communicate<br />
that they are in<br />
pain, they need<br />
validation and<br />
support, not ridicule<br />
and dismissal<br />
from self-harming may mean<br />
that they use riskier methods to<br />
self-harm, or feel unable to come<br />
to you with issues.<br />
Often self-harm is a symptom<br />
of another issue. My self-harm<br />
was completely entangled with<br />
my eating disorder, as a symptom<br />
of that illness. Once my eating<br />
disorder was addressed and I<br />
recovered, the daily self-harm<br />
wasn’t something I felt I needed<br />
to do anymore.<br />
7. Only ‘goths’ and<br />
‘emos’ self-harm<br />
There isn’t a ‘look’ for someone<br />
who self-harms. Anyone of any<br />
age, background, race, gender,<br />
or sexuality can self-harm. It is,<br />
unfortunately, all too common in<br />
our society, so it’s important we<br />
break down the stigma around<br />
it so that it’s easier for those who<br />
self-harm to feel comfortable<br />
sharing their struggles. No one<br />
should have to suffer in silence.<br />
With love and understanding, we<br />
can create a safer place for those<br />
who self-harm to seek out help<br />
when they need it.<br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | September <strong>2021</strong> | 57
Family favourites<br />
Childhood dishes got you hungry for more? Try these two<br />
family favourites, each with a nutritional twist<br />
Writing | Rania Salman<br />
Reminiscing about<br />
childhood family<br />
dinners? Want to<br />
recreate your favourite<br />
family feasts? We’ve got two<br />
delicious dishes packed with<br />
veggies and key nutrients, plus a<br />
dash of nostalgia!<br />
High in taste, but low in salt<br />
and unhealthy fats, these classic<br />
meals are incredibly versatile –<br />
it’s easy to substitute vegetables<br />
to suit your personal taste. So<br />
have a go, and make some new<br />
memories around the stove.<br />
Vegetable lasagne<br />
Serves: 8<br />
Prep time: 20 minutes<br />
Cook time: 1.5 hours<br />
Ingredients<br />
• 1 medium yellow pepper, 1<br />
medium red pepper, ½ medium<br />
green pepper, chopped<br />
• 1 very large courgette, chopped<br />
• 1 medium aubergine, chopped<br />
• Handful of cherry<br />
tomatoes, halved<br />
• 1 Italian sun-dried tomato mix<br />
• Grind of black and white<br />
pepper<br />
• Olive oil<br />
• 1 medium onion, diced<br />
• 2 garlic cloves, minced<br />
• Tomato passata with basil<br />
• Pinch of oregano<br />
• 15 wholegrain lasagne sheets<br />
• 100g butter/spread alternative<br />
• 80g flour<br />
• 500ml semi-skimmed/<br />
skimmed milk<br />
• 220g cheddar cheese, grated<br />
Method<br />
1. Preheat the oven to gas mark<br />
6/225°C.<br />
2. In an oven dish, mix the<br />
chopped veg, Italian sun-dried<br />
tomato mix, and salt and pepper<br />
with olive oil, to coat the veg.<br />
Cook in the oven for an hour, or<br />
until soft.<br />
3. While the vegetables are<br />
roasting, sauté the onion and<br />
garlic with olive oil until the<br />
onion is translucent. Add<br />
the tomato passata, pepper,<br />
oregano, and salt to taste.<br />
4. Boil the lasagne sheets for 7<br />
minutes and sieve to drain.<br />
5. Make a Béchamel sauce by<br />
melting butter in a saucepan.<br />
Add the flour and milk slowly,<br />
whisking until the mixture<br />
thickens. Add cheese and<br />
pepper to taste.<br />
6. Once veg has cooked, remove<br />
from the oven and mix in the<br />
tomato passata to make the<br />
veggie lasagne base.<br />
7. In another roasting dish, layer<br />
as follows: lasagne sheets,<br />
Béchamel sauce, vegetables.<br />
Repeat until you get a few<br />
layers. Add remaining grated<br />
cheese on top.<br />
8. Cook for 30 minutes at gas<br />
mark 5/215°C, or until the<br />
cheese has browned.<br />
9. Enjoy with a side salad!<br />
58 | September <strong>2021</strong> | <strong>happiful</strong>.com
food & health<br />
Chicken curry with cumin rice<br />
Serves: 6<br />
Prep time: 20 minutes<br />
Cook time: 45 minutes<br />
Ingredients<br />
• Rapeseed oil<br />
• 155g onion, diced<br />
• 2 garlic cloves, minced<br />
• 1–3 bird’s eye chilli, diced<br />
(optional)<br />
• ¼ tsp turmeric<br />
• 2 tsp curry powder (mild–<br />
medium, as per taste)<br />
• 2 tsp garam masala powder<br />
• 360g raw chicken breast, cubed<br />
• Pinch of salt<br />
• 80g yellow pepper, 80g red<br />
pepper, 80g green pepper, diced<br />
• 90g carrot, diced<br />
• 200g potato, diced<br />
• 1 medium tomato, diced<br />
• 1 ½ tbsp tomato puree<br />
• 30g coriander, chopped<br />
• Handful of peas<br />
• 3g cumin seeds<br />
• 300g basmati rice<br />
Method<br />
1. In a pan, heat a tablespoon of oil<br />
and add the onion and minced<br />
garlic. Add the bird’s eye chilli (if<br />
using) and sauté until the onion<br />
is translucent.<br />
2. Add ¼ tsp turmeric, ¼ tsp curry<br />
powder, and ½ tsp garam masala<br />
to the pan, and mix well.<br />
3. Add an extra tablespoon of oil,<br />
turn up the heat and add the<br />
chicken. Add salt to taste.<br />
4. Add the diced vegetables (apart<br />
from the peas and coriander).<br />
Add another ½ tsp of garam<br />
masala and ¾ tsp of curry<br />
powder.<br />
5. Add 650ml of water, the tomato<br />
puree, 1 tsp curry powder, 1 tsp<br />
of garam masala, and bring to<br />
a boil.<br />
6. Boil for approx 20 minutes or<br />
until sauce has thickened. Once<br />
thickened, add the coriander<br />
and peas.<br />
For the rice:<br />
1. Add 1 tbsp of oil and the cumin<br />
seeds to a medium-sized pot.<br />
Sauté the cumin seeds over<br />
medium-low heat for 1–2<br />
minutes.<br />
2. Add the uncooked rice, stirring<br />
for 2–3 minutes to toast.<br />
3. Add enough water to just cover<br />
the rice. Place a lid on the pot,<br />
turn the heat up, and bring it<br />
to boil.<br />
4. Once boiling, turn the heat down<br />
low and simmer (with lid) for 15<br />
minutes. Turn off the heat and<br />
let the rice sit undisturbed for 10<br />
minutes before lifting the lid.<br />
5. After resting, fluff with a fork,<br />
and serve alongside the curry.<br />
The healthy bit<br />
This lasagne is loaded with<br />
vegetables, meaning there’s lots<br />
of fibre and good plant chemicals<br />
that our bodies love and need.<br />
Switching to wholegrain lasagne<br />
sheets is a great idea, as emerging<br />
research shows the importance of<br />
fibre, so trying to get it in wherever<br />
you can is important for optimal<br />
health – most people don’t meet<br />
the government’s target of 30g of<br />
fibre per day. Remember, when<br />
using margarine, opt for one that<br />
doesn’t include trans fats – look<br />
out for ‘hydrogenated’ or ‘partially<br />
hydrogenated oil’, and avoid.<br />
The chicken curry is a healthy<br />
twist on the family-favourite<br />
takeaway, an Indian chicken curry!<br />
This recipe hits all the right spots<br />
without using unhealthy fats and,<br />
by adding a load of vegetables<br />
into the mix, you ensure you<br />
meet at least two of your fivea-day<br />
in just one serving. The<br />
spice mix used in this recipe is<br />
packed full of polyphenols which<br />
are increasingly known for their<br />
incredible bounty of health<br />
benefits.<br />
Rania is a registered<br />
dietitian and nutritionist<br />
specialising in fertility,<br />
PCOS, weight management<br />
and chronic conditions.<br />
Find a<br />
nutritionist on<br />
our Happiful<br />
app<br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | September <strong>2021</strong> | 59
Happiful Partner<br />
Championing mental health in the workplace<br />
Why become a Mental<br />
Health First Aider?<br />
Here’s what our<br />
delegates say:<br />
• Recognise the symptoms<br />
of mental ill-health<br />
• Help to improve awareness<br />
and break down stigma<br />
and discrimination<br />
• Join a growing<br />
community of amazing<br />
people supporting the<br />
conversation around<br />
mental health<br />
• Improve your own mental<br />
health and self-care<br />
• Virtual courses mean you<br />
can train from the comfort<br />
of your own home<br />
Plus our readers enjoy an exclusive £10 discount<br />
off all Happiful MHFA courses when you book<br />
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code HAP10<br />
You can hear more about the impact of MHFA<br />
training on Happiful’s ‘I am. I have’ podcast,<br />
featuring Happiful’s MHFA instructor Matt<br />
Holman. Listen on Spotify and Apple Podcasts.<br />
A course that really made<br />
me reflect. Delivery was<br />
excellent, and the instructor<br />
makes you feel valued and<br />
listened to. They make<br />
the course interesting and<br />
inclusive by sharing their<br />
own experiences. – Sol<br />
I felt very comfortable and<br />
in a safe space. Honestly, it<br />
was life-changing. – Jamie<br />
The instructor was amazing<br />
– so open and personable,<br />
and really made the tough<br />
subject matters digestible.<br />
It was really engaging, and<br />
they created a wonderful<br />
space for us to share<br />
openly. The course has<br />
enthused me even more to<br />
shout about mental health,<br />
and I feel extremely proud<br />
to now be a Mental Health<br />
First Aider. – Emma<br />
60 | September <strong>2021</strong> | <strong>happiful</strong>.com
true story<br />
Embracing my<br />
perfectly imperfect self<br />
Self-doubt and social anxiety ruled Sheena’s world, until her<br />
children became her motivation to push past the fear and step into<br />
the next phase of her life<br />
Writing | Sheena Tanna-Shah<br />
Throughout my childhood, I always felt<br />
a sense of loneliness and insecurity.<br />
Changing cities and then school a few<br />
times, I struggled to make good friends<br />
and I never felt like I fitted in. I wasn’t outgoing,<br />
confident, or social – and always felt like I<br />
wasn’t enough. What added to this was people’s<br />
constant comments to stand straighter, to talk<br />
slower, and to smile more.<br />
These weren’t one-off comments, they were<br />
constantly coming from the people around<br />
me, and it gave me long-lasting social anxiety. I<br />
made sure I didn’t win anything to avoid walking<br />
in front of people in assemblies, it made me fear<br />
talking in public, it made me fear being in social<br />
settings as I was always afraid of judgement – it<br />
even made me fear catching the bus to avoid<br />
people watching me find a seat. The only thing<br />
that kept me going was my passion for studying.<br />
At 18, after a devastating break-up with a<br />
boyfriend, I was diagnosed with depression in<br />
my first year at university. I was at my lowest<br />
point, and not only nearly quit my degree but<br />
my life as well. I didn’t want to carry on, I felt<br />
like a failure, and I was starting to become very<br />
critical of myself.<br />
Coming from an Indian background, it was<br />
really hard to open up about my situation and<br />
what I was going through. I felt like I was<br />
letting my parents down, as it was uncommon<br />
for situations like mine to be heard of then.<br />
Online support forums and social media<br />
wasn’t something I was part of back then, so<br />
this period was extremely lonely. I almost felt<br />
like there must be something wrong with me. I<br />
couldn’t see anyone around me going through<br />
what I was, and certainly no one in my culture.<br />
I was studying to become an optometrist but<br />
I failed two of my end-year-exams. Before,<br />
studying was what had kept me going, so I<br />
felt like I had nothing left to give. During the<br />
summer break, I retook my exams and luckily<br />
passed to continue into my second year. I<br />
managed to get my degree and qualified as an<br />
optometrist, however, the anxiety still followed<br />
me around.<br />
I married when I was 23, and moved to a new<br />
location. This triggered my loneliness and<br />
insecurity, as I hardly knew anyone and had<br />
to start again. I would be sitting in my locked<br />
room, crying endlessly as my husband sat on<br />
the other side of the door, trying to help me.<br />
I tried to fill the void by booking holidays,<br />
dinner dates, and spa days. Even though these<br />
made me happy, it was all temporary and I<br />
would return to feeling anxious and insecure. >>><br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | September <strong>2021</strong> | 61
I searched for various therapies, constantly<br />
trying to find people to help me shift my<br />
mindset and get me to a better place. I used<br />
life coaches, counsellors, hypnotherapists,<br />
CBT, and it helped to a certain degree. During<br />
this period my interest in coaching grew,<br />
and I trained to become a life coach and NLP<br />
practitioner. My aim was to help other people<br />
who may be going through what I was, but my<br />
business didn’t start because my own recovery<br />
was still in progress.<br />
When I had children at 29, I came to a<br />
new crossroads. Motherhood completely<br />
overwhelmed me, and my anxiety spiralled.<br />
I found everything a struggle. I found it<br />
hard to take my kids out for a walk because<br />
I was nervous of people judging me. I found<br />
playgroups hard as I saw other mums getting<br />
on so easily and confidently. I was a nervous<br />
driver as it was but the pressure to go to baby<br />
swimming, baby yoga, and everything else I<br />
saw others doing, almost tipped me to the edge.<br />
I was a snappy mum, frustrated, low in mood<br />
and energy, and this led to each day ending in<br />
guilt and tears.<br />
I practised gratitude, and every<br />
day I was a little kinder and more<br />
patient with myself<br />
I knew something had to change. I needed to<br />
be an inspiration to my girls, the best mother to<br />
them, and strong for myself. I stopped looking<br />
at the outside world to fill my needs, stopped<br />
looking for temporary fixes and solutions,<br />
and started to read and listen to speakers who<br />
motivated and inspired me. One of the first<br />
books that I read was all to do with meditation,<br />
so that’s where I began. I also started to look at<br />
my nutrition, and what exercise I was doing.<br />
Everything is connected with the mind and body,<br />
so I had to learn to fuel both. I made my inner<br />
world and inner focus a constant practice.<br />
I started to step out of my comfort zone, even if<br />
it was just having a coffee on my own in public.<br />
I practised gratitude, and every day I was a little<br />
kinder and more patient with myself. I started<br />
doing things for myself, instead of what I thought<br />
the world expected of me. If I wanted an extra<br />
rest day, I took it, if I wanted to take the kids for<br />
a coffee and cake (a big deal for me in a public<br />
space) I took my time, gave it a go, and practised<br />
being mindful of our time together. I felt proud<br />
62 | September <strong>2021</strong> | <strong>happiful</strong>.com
true story<br />
of small achievements like taking the kids to the<br />
library, or a play date. Things that were no big<br />
deal for some, were a huge deal for me. But these<br />
were my achievements and milestones, and I<br />
was going to feel proud of my steps. Everyone is<br />
on a journey, and this was mine.<br />
I continued to train in various therapies<br />
including mindfulness, mediation, and rapid<br />
transformation therapy. My company, Inspiring<br />
Success, has grown successfully, I also run a<br />
plant-based healthy treats business and promote<br />
healthy eating through this, and more recently<br />
became a published author of the book Perfectly<br />
Imperfect Mum.<br />
It was motherhood that truly inspired and<br />
motivated me to change. Being a mother is<br />
overwhelming, challenging, and stressful, but<br />
it’s also rewarding, beautiful, and brings so much<br />
joy. I know if my mindset wasn’t strong enough, I<br />
would have missed the beautiful moments, and I<br />
wouldn’t have been able to provide and be there<br />
for them fully – I would be surviving not thriving.<br />
At times, I truly cannot believe how far I’ve<br />
come – from sitting on the floor crying daily,<br />
not wanting to exist, to running two businesses,<br />
being an optometrist, regular public speaker,<br />
embracing motherhood, and becoming an<br />
author where my book has been featured in<br />
national publications.<br />
As a person, I feel so much happier. I still have<br />
moments where I am anxious or uncertain but<br />
I am much more aware and mindful of those<br />
times, and can recover more easily. Finding my<br />
inner peace, inner belief, and inner calm helped<br />
me embrace my perfectly imperfect self.<br />
OUR EXPERT SAYS<br />
In this world impacted by Covid-19 and social<br />
media, the pressure can feel overwhelming at<br />
times. However, Sheena recognised something<br />
incredibly important: change comes from<br />
within.<br />
There isn’t one way to move forward, there<br />
are many paths. Having the strength to make<br />
the decision to change, and<br />
allowing ourselves to be proud<br />
of our achievements is a great<br />
way to begin the journey to the<br />
life you truly deserve.<br />
Rachel Coffey | BA MA NLP Mstr<br />
Life coach<br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | September <strong>2021</strong> | 63
HAPPIFUL TOP 10<br />
September<br />
From accepting yourself, to embracing tranquility when out<br />
and about, we share 10 things to do this September<br />
1<br />
PAGE-TURNERS<br />
You Are Enough: Embrace<br />
Your Flaws and Be Happy<br />
Being You<br />
How often do you find<br />
yourself striving for perfection,<br />
or comparing yourself to<br />
others? Cheryl Rickman’s<br />
new book aims to help those<br />
who experience imposter<br />
syndrome, or who criticise<br />
themselves constantly.<br />
Encouraging us to let go of<br />
the myth of perfection, You<br />
Are Enough is a feel-good<br />
action plan to help challenge<br />
your inner saboteur. (Out 9<br />
September, Summersdale<br />
Publishers, £10.99)<br />
3<br />
OUT AND ABOUT<br />
Wellbeing by the Lakes<br />
After so much time indoors, we’ve found the perfect festival set in<br />
nature. What’s more, we’ll be there too! Wellbeing by the Lakes has a stunning<br />
programme complete with expert talks, workshops, yoga, breathwork,<br />
and more. You’ll be able to embrace both the tranquility of the 26-acre<br />
surroundings and breathtaking sculptural pieces – and yes, it is as blissful as it<br />
sounds! (8–12 September, visit wellbeingbythelakes.co.uk to book tickets)<br />
4<br />
LEND US<br />
YOUR EARS<br />
‘Getting Curious<br />
with Jonathan<br />
Van Ness’<br />
Whether you’re simply missing<br />
Queer Eye’s Jonathan Van Ness,<br />
or you love diving into nuggets of<br />
information, the ‘Getting Curious’<br />
podcast is a great way to learn<br />
something new. Speaking with<br />
experts in their field, Jonathan<br />
explores everything from the<br />
importance of Pride, to the way<br />
animals communicate with one<br />
another. (Listen to the podcast on<br />
iTunes and Spotify)<br />
2<br />
PUT ON A SHOW<br />
Rounders<br />
A game that all of the family can play, rounders is the classic<br />
sunshine pastime. How far can you hit the ball and will it be enough<br />
for you to start a run, or even make it all the way back to base?<br />
Gather up everyone’s bags and jackets to act as posts, and carefully<br />
choose your teams for an afternoon of cheering one another on.<br />
5PLUGGED-IN<br />
Yuki Kawae<br />
Yuki’s soothing videos<br />
are a welcome change to the<br />
fast-paced feeling of the usual<br />
Instagram feed. His sand videos,<br />
in which he creates anything from<br />
mesmerising circular patterns to<br />
satisfying line drawings, offer an<br />
almost meditative quality to calm<br />
your mind. (Follow @yukikawae<br />
on Instagram)<br />
64 | September <strong>2021</strong> | <strong>happiful</strong>.com
culture<br />
6<br />
TECH TIP-OFFS<br />
Kitchen Stories Recipes<br />
Hosting a range of thousands of free<br />
recipes, Kitchen Stories Recipes allows you to<br />
set up your own profile and save your favourites<br />
ready for when you fancy them. With its own<br />
cooking mode, the app lets you effortlessly chop,<br />
dice, and simmer your way through step-by-step<br />
dishes, making dinner time that little bit easier!<br />
(Download from the App Store or Google Play)<br />
9THE CONVERSATION<br />
International Happiness<br />
at Work Week<br />
Do you dread Mondays? When we<br />
are happy at work we are likely to<br />
enjoy ourselves outside of work,<br />
too. International Happiness at Work Week invites<br />
everyone to start conversations about employee<br />
wellbeing. (20–26 September, to learn more visit,<br />
internationalweekofhappinessatwork.com)<br />
7<br />
SQUARE EYES<br />
Sex Education<br />
Back for its much anticipated<br />
third season, Sex Education promises<br />
a hilarious and uplifting watch.<br />
Tackling relationships of all kinds<br />
and following main character Otis<br />
and his friends through the trials<br />
and tribulations of love, makes for a<br />
wonderful way to brighten any day.<br />
(Available on Netflix)<br />
10<br />
GET GOING<br />
Bungee Workouts<br />
A more unusual, but<br />
extremely fun exercise class, bungee<br />
workouts are taking the world by storm –<br />
and prove that bungee cords can be used<br />
to create joyous and thoroughly unique<br />
workouts. Attached to a cord hanging<br />
from the ceiling, bungee workouts will<br />
have you using all your muscles. (Search<br />
Bungee Workouts to find a class near you)<br />
Africology Bath Rituals Set | uk.africologyspa.com<br />
8<br />
TREAT YOURSELF<br />
Visiting a spa is not always possible in the evening, but who’s to say that you can’t<br />
bring the spa to you? With the Africology Bath Rituals Set, complete with bath salts, scrubs,<br />
and mud masks, you’ll be all set for a tranquil dip in the tub. A great way to cleanse your<br />
body, mind, and soul, the set offers something for everyone. (£18.53, africologyspa.com)<br />
Africology Bath Rituals Set<br />
Win an Africology Bath Rituals Set<br />
For your chance to win a bath set, simply email your answer to the following<br />
question to competitions@<strong>happiful</strong>.com<br />
Which of these would you not typically find at a spa?<br />
a) Climbing wall b) Sauna c) Swimming pool<br />
*Competition closes 16 September <strong>2021</strong>. UK mainland and Northern Ireland only. Good luck!<br />
WIN!<br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | September <strong>2021</strong> | 65
Turn it it up<br />
Step back in time, with these feel-good<br />
tracks from across the decades<br />
• ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’, Gerry & the Pacemakers (1963)<br />
• ‘Feeling Good’, Nina Simone (1965)<br />
• ‘What a Wonderful World’, Louis Armstrong (1967)<br />
• ‘Ain’t No Mountain High Enough’, Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell (1967)<br />
• ‘Here Comes the Sun’, The Beatles (1969)<br />
70s<br />
• ‘Move on Up’, Curtis Mayfield (1970)<br />
• ‘December 1963 (Oh What a Night)’, Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons (1975)<br />
• ‘Dancing Queen’, Abba (1976)<br />
• ‘Go Your Own Way’, Fleetwood Mac (1977)<br />
• ‘I Will Survive’, Gloria Gaynor (1978)<br />
• ‘You Make My Dreams (Come True)’, Hall & Oates (1981)<br />
• ‘Come on Eileen’, Dexys Midnight Runners (1982)<br />
• ‘Sisters Are Doin’ it For Themselves’, Eurythmics, ft. Aretha Franklin (1985)<br />
• ‘Take On Me’, A-ha (1984)<br />
• ‘End of the Line’, Traveling Wilburys (1988)<br />
• ‘Movin’ on Up’, Primal Scream (1991)<br />
• ‘Friday I’m in Love’, The Cure (1992)<br />
• ‘Breakfast at Tiffany’s’, Deep Blue Something (1995)<br />
• ‘Wannabe’, Spice Girls (1996)<br />
• ‘Brimful of Asha’, Cornershop (1997)<br />
• ‘Take Your Mama’, Scissor Sisters (2004)<br />
• ‘Better Together’, Jack Johnson (2005)<br />
• ‘Put Your Records On’, Corinne Bailey Rae (2006)<br />
• ‘Pocketful of Sunshine’, Natasha Bedingfield (2007)<br />
• ‘You Got the Love’, Florence and the Machine (2009)<br />
To listen to this playlist, search for ‘The Happiful Selection: Feel-good through the decades’ on Spotify<br />
66 | September <strong>2021</strong> | <strong>happiful</strong>.com
wellbeing<br />
How to overcome<br />
sick-day guilt<br />
It’s the phone call we all dread – letting your employer know you need a day<br />
off sick. But when your body is telling you it needs a break, it’s time to listen.<br />
So, how do we get past the guilt, to get the rest we need to recuperate?<br />
Writing | Katie Conibear<br />
We all know the feeling;<br />
you’ve woken up<br />
feeling terrible. You’re<br />
too sick to work, but<br />
there’s something in the pit of your<br />
stomach that stops you from making<br />
that call to your boss. You sit there<br />
watching the clock – you might even<br />
start getting ready to go in or log<br />
on – putting off a decision you know<br />
you have to make. You don’t want<br />
people to think you can’t cope with<br />
the job. You feel bad about colleagues<br />
having to cover your work, and don’t<br />
want to make life more difficult for<br />
anyone else. You’re worried that you<br />
might be judged for calling in sick,<br />
and it’ll affect performance reviews<br />
or your chances of that promotion.<br />
Then there are the questions we ask<br />
ourselves: “If everyone else can cope<br />
without taking time off, why can’t I?”<br />
When we’re ill, we often give<br />
in to the pressure to carry on<br />
working – whether that’s a<br />
perceived external pressure, or<br />
the expectations and standards<br />
we set for ourselves. It’s easy<br />
to fall into this trap when we<br />
have deadlines to meet, work<br />
on commission, or have a team<br />
that relies on us. Whether it’s<br />
a physical or mental illness,<br />
pressure to keep going can make<br />
us feel 10 times worse. But it’s<br />
time to put that unnecessary guilt<br />
in its place – here are four things<br />
to help you do just that.<br />
1. BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF<br />
I asked life coach Clare Percival<br />
how to overcome sick-day guilt.<br />
Her thoughts? “I would ask, where<br />
does that guilty voice stem from?<br />
Is it a parent, a boss, or just a<br />
limiting belief that somehow<br />
we think we are supposed to<br />
be super human rather than<br />
listening to our body?”<br />
Being honest with<br />
yourself that you<br />
need a break can<br />
make you stronger,<br />
and healthier, in the<br />
long run<br />
We need to learn to be<br />
vulnerable, and to show that<br />
we’re not OK – even if our inner<br />
critic doesn’t like it. But the truth<br />
is it’s nothing to be ashamed of. >>><br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | September <strong>2021</strong> | 67
Being honest with yourself that<br />
you need a break can make you<br />
stronger, and healthier, in the<br />
long run. Convincing ourselves<br />
we must go into work, that we’re<br />
letting people down, that we’re<br />
letting ourselves down, avoids<br />
focusing on the real issue. Plus,<br />
hiding behind a mask can be<br />
exhausting – and it’s bound to<br />
slip at some point. Clare sums it<br />
up: “Listen to your body. It knows<br />
what is best, and it is trying to tell<br />
you something important.”<br />
2. REEVALUATE YOUR<br />
GOALS AND WORKLOAD<br />
If you’re unwell, but believe that<br />
a sick-day is out of the question<br />
because you can’t possibly miss<br />
a day of work, it could be time<br />
to take a closer look at what’s on<br />
your plate. The world shouldn’t<br />
stop if you need a day or two<br />
to recover, and if it feels like it<br />
will, it might even be the level<br />
of responsibility on your plate<br />
contributing to your poor health.<br />
Ask yourself: is what I want to<br />
do realistic? Will I burn out, or<br />
make myself ill trying to achieve<br />
it? Am I setting myself up for<br />
disappointment if I don’t reach<br />
my goal? Or is it a case of realistic<br />
goals, but overwhelming myself<br />
by trying to achieve too many<br />
things all at once? If the answer<br />
is yes to any of these, it could<br />
be worth reevaluating whether<br />
pushing yourself like this is worth<br />
it – more often than not, the<br />
answer will be no. And if that’s<br />
the case, it could be time to speak<br />
to your boss, HR, or colleagues<br />
about your workload and any<br />
support you need. Working until<br />
you burn out shouldn’t be a goal,<br />
or something that should earn<br />
anyone praise. Our number one<br />
goal should be to stay healthy.<br />
3. WE ALL STRUGGLE<br />
Deep down, everyone struggles<br />
for one reason or another,<br />
whether they like to admit it or<br />
not. Looking like you’re always<br />
keeping it together isn’t reality.<br />
Everyone has a persona they<br />
68 | September <strong>2021</strong> | <strong>happiful</strong>.com
wellbeing<br />
Working until you burn out shouldn’t<br />
be a goal, or something that should<br />
earn anyone praise. Our number one<br />
goal should be to stay healthy<br />
try to keep up, to an extent. If<br />
you live with a chronic illness, a<br />
disability, or both, it can feel like<br />
sick-days come around more than<br />
your colleagues, and guilt could<br />
be a factor in whether you take<br />
that much-needed day off. But<br />
it’s important to remember that<br />
everyone will have a time when<br />
they struggle mentally, physically,<br />
or both. And when that voice of<br />
self-doubt rises up, just consider,<br />
would you judge someone else for<br />
needing a sick-day? Treat yourself<br />
with that same compassion you’d<br />
show your colleagues.<br />
Get past the guilt<br />
Life coach Clare Percival<br />
suggests digging deeper and<br />
asking yourself questions that<br />
shift your focus to help put the<br />
decision to take a day off in a<br />
new, guilt-free light:<br />
• What are the benefits of<br />
taking a sick-day?<br />
• How would I feel if I<br />
passed on an illness to<br />
my work colleagues?<br />
• Why am I not prioritising<br />
my health?<br />
• What is really making me feel<br />
guilty?<br />
• How will my performance<br />
improve at work and home from<br />
taking time off now to recover<br />
compared to keeping going?<br />
• Would my world collapse if I don’t<br />
go in?<br />
• How much better would I feel by<br />
investing in myself and my health?<br />
4. IT’S NOT A SIGN OF WEAKNESS<br />
Most of us have worked with<br />
an ‘office gossip’. They love to<br />
let everyone know how you<br />
were off last week, again. These<br />
words make us feel ashamed,<br />
guilty, and inadequate. But just<br />
because you feel unwell, it doesn’t<br />
make you weak-minded.<br />
“When you’re not feeling 100%,<br />
your inner critic voice kicks<br />
in – the negative self-talk that<br />
feeds off a poorly you, and has<br />
been lying dormant waiting for<br />
a moment to come out and play<br />
in your mind, and tell you those<br />
guilty thoughts,” Clare Percival<br />
explains. Taking time off shows<br />
you value your health and your<br />
colleagues. It’s the responsible<br />
thing to do, especially if<br />
you’re potentially infectious<br />
or your job involves caring for<br />
others. So, remember, listening<br />
to your mind and body when it<br />
needs a breather isn’t just for<br />
your own benefit, it’s the most<br />
selfless thing you can do.<br />
Katie Conibear is a writer who blogs<br />
at stumblingmind.com. Her first<br />
book, ‘Living at the Speed of Light’,<br />
about bipolar disorder, is out now.<br />
Clare Percival is a life and executive<br />
function coach. Find out more at<br />
lifecoach-directory.org.uk<br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | September <strong>2021</strong> | 69
Picking up the pieces<br />
What is it that makes a simple jigsaw puzzle<br />
such an effective mindfulness practice?<br />
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler<br />
It’s the rainy day classic that<br />
became a lockdown essential,<br />
and while there’s nothing<br />
new about puzzles (the first<br />
jigsaw is thought to have been<br />
created in 1762), many of us<br />
are just starting to realise the<br />
potentially mindful boost that<br />
comes with putting the pieces of<br />
a puzzle together.<br />
Picture this: you’ve got the<br />
whole of the day ahead of you, no<br />
commitments, no meetings, no<br />
chores – the time is yours. So you<br />
sit down with a puzzle. There’s no<br />
rush, no deadline and, piece by<br />
piece, a beautiful picture starts to<br />
form in front of you. It’s a homey,<br />
mindful scene but, in lockdown,<br />
hobbies like puzzling took on a<br />
whole new meaning.<br />
“I was furloughed in April<br />
2020, and it struck me that I had<br />
all this extra time and nothing<br />
to fill it with,” Jody Kenny tells<br />
us, as she reflects on when<br />
she discovered her passion for<br />
puzzles. “I hadn’t long moved to<br />
a new town to be closer to work,<br />
but it meant I’d moved away<br />
from family – I didn’t realise how<br />
difficult it would be to occupy<br />
every minute of the day.”<br />
Jodie started off with some<br />
jigsaw apps on her phone,<br />
before digging out some puzzles<br />
she’d had for years, but had<br />
never opened.<br />
“I get deep into doing jigsaws,<br />
and time tends to fly. I hyperfocus<br />
on tasks because I have<br />
Asperger’s, but the concentration<br />
needed specifically to complete<br />
jigsaws took my mind away from<br />
being alone,” she explains.<br />
There’s much<br />
more to those<br />
oddly shaped<br />
pieces of joy than<br />
meets the eye<br />
“The puzzle piece has long been<br />
used as a symbol of autism, but it<br />
doesn’t have positive connotations<br />
in the autistic community,<br />
because it’s thought that autistic<br />
people are puzzles that need to<br />
be fixed,” Jodie explains. “Doing<br />
jigsaws has re-wired my brain<br />
into believing that the puzzle isn’t<br />
broken because it’s not complete,<br />
but rather it’s one small piece that<br />
makes up the whole. Jigsaws have<br />
helped me to accept myself.”<br />
Echoing the wellbeing benefits<br />
of jigsaws, James Edwards, cofounder<br />
of Piece & Quiet puzzles,<br />
is passionate about their holistic<br />
value. “Jigsaw puzzles are making<br />
a comeback, and there’s much<br />
more to those oddly shaped pieces<br />
of joy than meets the eye,” he<br />
says. And that comeback is taking<br />
place on a huge scale, with the<br />
Guardian reporting that UK sales<br />
of jigsaws totalled £100 million<br />
in 2020, up 38% on the previous<br />
year. So what’s behind the draw<br />
to simple pastimes like puzzles?<br />
James thinks he knows and, here,<br />
he breaks down some of the major<br />
wellbeing benefits:<br />
1. Improving brain<br />
function and memory<br />
The oh-so-satisfying act of<br />
successfully placing a puzzle<br />
piece does more than just get you<br />
one step closer to finishing your<br />
piece of art. It actually encourages<br />
the production of dopamine,<br />
a chemical in the brain that<br />
contributes to learning, brain<br />
health, and memory.<br />
70 | September <strong>2021</strong> | <strong>happiful</strong>.com
Win a Piece & Quiet<br />
mindfulness pack<br />
For your chance to win a Piece &<br />
Quiet jigsaw puzzle, candle, and<br />
adult colouring book, simply send<br />
your answer to the following riddle<br />
to competitions@<strong>happiful</strong>.com:<br />
2. Time away from screens<br />
An article in the Independent<br />
investigated the time an adult<br />
will spend looking at screens<br />
in their lifetime, and it doesn’t<br />
make for good reading. They<br />
found that, on average, British<br />
adults were spending more<br />
than 13 hours a day looking<br />
at screens – that equates to<br />
more than 200 days a year.<br />
We are huge advocates for<br />
anything which helps to get<br />
this number down, and that<br />
gives us the opportunity to<br />
take the time to be present in<br />
the moment, and what better<br />
way to do that than with an<br />
artistic jigsaw puzzle?<br />
3. Increased cognitive ability<br />
Jigsaw puzzles are proven to<br />
exercise the mind, boosting<br />
cognition and visual-spatial<br />
reasoning, but they’ve also been<br />
shown to increase creativity and<br />
productivity. The science behind<br />
why jigsaws are so effective at<br />
kicking your brain into gear<br />
is that they engage both the<br />
left (analytical) and the right<br />
(creative) side of the brain.<br />
4. Reducing stress<br />
and anxiety<br />
Exercising both sides of the brain<br />
simultaneously has other benefits<br />
too. It allows brainwaves to move<br />
from a ‘beta’ state into an ‘alpha’<br />
What word gets shorter when<br />
you add two letters?<br />
Competition closes 16 September.<br />
UK and NI entries only. Good luck!<br />
state – the same state activated<br />
for dreaming, and where our<br />
subconscious comes into play –<br />
in other words, the mindful side.<br />
When times get tough, it’s<br />
remarkable what taking things<br />
back to basics can do for our<br />
mindset, and the rise in the<br />
popularity of jigsaw puzzles is the<br />
perfect example of this principle<br />
in action. So, whether you’re<br />
ready to dive into a 1,000-piece<br />
whopper, or want to start simple,<br />
it could be time to pick up the<br />
pieces of good wellbeing.<br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | September <strong>2021</strong> | 71
Ask the experts: suicide<br />
Counsellor Naomi Watkins-Ligudzinska answers your questions on suicide<br />
Q<br />
How can I<br />
support someone<br />
experiencing<br />
suicidal thoughts?<br />
A<br />
It’s best to stay calm and<br />
collected, and remember<br />
they are talking to you for a<br />
reason. It is really important<br />
that we react with empathy, not<br />
shock or panic, and do not close<br />
the conversation down. It is then<br />
about supporting the person<br />
with regular check-ins and not<br />
forgetting about them. Kindness<br />
and care go a long way.<br />
Q<br />
A<br />
Is suicidal ideation<br />
something people<br />
can recover from?<br />
Yes, with time, space, and<br />
the right support. Therapy<br />
is one option, but we also need<br />
to consider someone’s support<br />
network. If they struggle to<br />
identify someone they can confide<br />
in, which helplines are they<br />
comfortable accessing until their<br />
next therapy session, or when they<br />
are experiencing suicidal thoughts?<br />
Q<br />
A friend makes<br />
jokes about<br />
suicide and<br />
it makes me feel<br />
uncomfortable. Should<br />
I confront them?<br />
If something makes<br />
A you uncomfortable, it is<br />
always best to say something.<br />
For example, “When you joke<br />
about suicide it makes me<br />
feel uncomfortable,” and then<br />
just leave a space for them to<br />
respond.<br />
It could be they are covering<br />
up suicidal feelings of their own,<br />
or they do not understand how<br />
hurtful jokes like that are. It is<br />
always best to be honest and<br />
tell someone how you feel.<br />
Counselling Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need
wellbeing<br />
SUPPORT LINES<br />
• Call Samaritans on 116 123 or email them on<br />
jo@samaritans.org<br />
• The Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) is a line<br />
for men, and is open from 5pm–midnight: 0800 58 58 58<br />
• Papyrus supports young people under 35 years old. Call<br />
them on 0800 068 41 41<br />
• Shout offers a crisis text line. Text ‘SHOUT’ to 85258<br />
Suicide<br />
Prevention Day<br />
is 10 September.<br />
Reach out to those<br />
around you, and join<br />
in the conversation<br />
online.<br />
Read more about Naomi Watkins-Ligudzinska on counselling-directory.org.uk<br />
Q<br />
I sometimes<br />
see people<br />
post worrying<br />
things on social media.<br />
Should I step in?<br />
A check-in message or<br />
A phone call will never hurt –<br />
something simple like, “Hey, I saw<br />
your post, is everything OK?” To<br />
care about someone, we need to<br />
let them know we care. It could<br />
just be that simple message that<br />
helps someone to challenge their<br />
thoughts and not feel alone.<br />
You can always report a post to<br />
the social media platform if you<br />
are really worried, but they may<br />
just remove the post and not offer<br />
support to the individual.<br />
If the person doesn’t reply, look<br />
to see if any family are connected<br />
to their profile – you could contact<br />
them through the platform. If you<br />
feel someone is in immediate<br />
danger, call 999 and<br />
ask the police for<br />
help.<br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | September <strong>2021</strong> | 73
10 things you<br />
need to know<br />
about PCOS<br />
It’s thought one in 10 women suffer with<br />
polycystic ovary syndrome, yet more than half<br />
may not have any symptoms at all. With PCOS<br />
awareness month taking place in September,<br />
Jenna Farmer shines a spotlight on the condition<br />
Writing | Jenna Farmer<br />
For those who menstruate,<br />
periods might be something<br />
we don’t take much notice<br />
of. Some may find their 28-day<br />
cycle runs like clockwork, yet<br />
others struggle with irregular<br />
periods which can differ in the<br />
flow and length, or have cycles that<br />
vary from the average time. And<br />
while irregular periods may be<br />
normal for you and can happen for<br />
all sorts of reasons, one possible<br />
cause is polycystic ovary syndrome<br />
(PCOS).<br />
PCOS is a common endocrine<br />
disorder that affects the way<br />
the ovaries work. It’s thought<br />
to affect one in 10 women, yet<br />
many may not even know they<br />
have it, with the condition often<br />
only coming to light when they’re<br />
investigated for irregular periods,<br />
or sometimes if they’re trying<br />
to start a family. So although it’s<br />
reasonably common, there’s still<br />
a lot we don’t yet know about<br />
PCOS. Here, we’ll set the record<br />
straight with some key facts.<br />
74 | September <strong>2021</strong> | <strong>happiful</strong>.com
food & health<br />
PCOS doesn’t stop you<br />
conceiving a child<br />
The <strong>2021</strong> Fertility Journey Survey<br />
showed that 49% of those taking<br />
part didn’t actually realise they<br />
had PCOS until they started<br />
trying to conceive.<br />
Since PCOS often diagnosed<br />
during fertility investigations,<br />
many worry it will impact their<br />
ability to conceive. Himanshu<br />
Borase, fertility specialist and<br />
consultant gynaecologist at Herts<br />
Fertility, says: “One third of those<br />
I see at fertility clinics have PCOS.<br />
One of the reasons that PCOS<br />
patients struggle is that they may<br />
not be releasing an egg regularly.”<br />
Releasing eggs to ovulate is<br />
what is needed to conceive.<br />
However, studies show that the<br />
majority of those with PCOS who<br />
wish to have children do go on<br />
to do so, many without needing<br />
fertility treatment.<br />
Studies show that<br />
the majority of those<br />
with PCOS who wish<br />
to have children do<br />
go on to do so, many<br />
without needing<br />
fertility treatment<br />
You don’t actually have<br />
cysts on your ovaries<br />
with PCOS<br />
Despite the name, your ovaries<br />
aren’t covered with cysts like<br />
you might imagine. Instead, the<br />
cysts often refer to harmless<br />
follicles. People with PCOS have<br />
more follicles than those who<br />
don’t, and these follicles are<br />
often unable to release an egg.<br />
While they may look ‘cyst-like’,<br />
they aren’t true cysts – they<br />
don’t behave like cysts in that<br />
they won’t burst or grow bigger,<br />
and aren’t in any way linked to<br />
more serious conditions, such as<br />
ovarian cancer. >>><br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | September <strong>2021</strong> | 75
PCOS can affect your<br />
hair and skin<br />
We often talk about PCOS in<br />
relation to periods, but the<br />
condition can affect your hair<br />
and skin as well. This is because<br />
women with PCOS have excess<br />
androgen – in other words higher<br />
levels of male hormones in your<br />
body, which can manifest in ways<br />
such as an increase in facial hair.<br />
Studies have shown PCOS can<br />
result in hair and skin problems,<br />
such as hair loss, acne, and<br />
seborrhea (a red itchy skin rash<br />
with white scales).<br />
People with PCOS are more<br />
likely to develop diabetes<br />
Insulin resistance is why PCOS<br />
is also linked to diabetes. A<br />
recent study published in Human<br />
Reproduction Open that followed<br />
women with PCOS showed that<br />
around 19% of participants went<br />
on to develop type 2 diabetes,<br />
compared to just 1% of the<br />
control group. While this means<br />
it’s certainly not inevitable, if<br />
you experience any symptoms of<br />
diabetes it’s really important to<br />
make an appointment to speak<br />
with your GP.<br />
We don’t know the<br />
exact cause of PCOS<br />
PCOS is thought to run in<br />
families, so you’re more likely<br />
to develop it if a close relative<br />
has PCOS, too. However, that<br />
doesn’t mean it’s simply genetic.<br />
Other factors are linked to PCOS<br />
as well, including high levels of<br />
insulin in the body.<br />
“People with PCOS are<br />
often insulin resistant, which<br />
means your body does not<br />
effectively utilise the insulin you<br />
produce,” explains nutritional<br />
therapist Michele Scarr. “The<br />
body may try to increase the<br />
levels of insulin it produces to<br />
keep your blood sugar levels<br />
normal. Higher levels of insulin<br />
can lead to an increase of<br />
testosterone, which may disrupt<br />
the hormonal balance and<br />
exacerbate PCOS symptoms.”<br />
PCOS can be linked to<br />
your mental health<br />
Like many long-term health<br />
conditions, PCOS can impact both<br />
your mental and physical health.<br />
A study by the University of<br />
Cardiff found women with PCOS<br />
were more likely to be diagnosed<br />
with mental health conditions<br />
such as depression, bipolar<br />
disorder, and anxiety. While<br />
another study in the Journal of<br />
Pharmacy & BioAllied Sciences<br />
showed that 40% of those with<br />
PCOS can experience depression.<br />
There are a few reasons why<br />
that may be. PCOS is driven<br />
by hormones, so the altered<br />
hormonal levels may impact<br />
mental health. It may also be due<br />
to the stress and worry of living<br />
with PCOS – the unpredictable<br />
nature of periods, or undergoing<br />
fertility treatment to conceive.<br />
Those with PCOS still need<br />
to use contraceptives<br />
While having an irregular cycle<br />
could make trying for a baby<br />
more tricky, those with PCOS can<br />
still fall pregnant – so if that’s not<br />
on your agenda, contraception<br />
is important. The contraceptive<br />
pill is often used as this can also<br />
help regulate cycles in those<br />
with PCOS, but it may take some<br />
experimenting to find one that<br />
works best for you.<br />
“There is evidence that<br />
combined pills are beneficial<br />
for women with PCOS due to the<br />
oestrogen, which counteracts high<br />
testosterone levels and improves<br />
symptoms such as acne,” explains<br />
GP and medical director of The<br />
Lowdown, Dr Frances Yarlett.<br />
“However the progestogen part of<br />
the combined pill can also help to<br />
improve symptoms.”<br />
76 | September <strong>2021</strong> | <strong>happiful</strong>.com
food & health<br />
“Women with PCOS don’t burn<br />
off as much weight, even when<br />
they’re eating exactly the same<br />
amount of food compared to<br />
weight match controls,” explains<br />
Professor Colin Duncan of the<br />
University of Edinburgh.<br />
Remember though, your value<br />
is not determined by a number<br />
on a scale.<br />
PCOS symptoms may<br />
not disappear with the<br />
menopause<br />
PCOS is usually diagnosed in<br />
premenopausal women, but<br />
just because you stop having<br />
periods doesn’t necessarily mean<br />
your PCOS will stop. For those<br />
embarking on the menopause, it<br />
also brings additional challenges<br />
as symptoms can be similar.<br />
Whether you’re looking to<br />
regulate periods, or are trying to<br />
start a family, be sure to speak to<br />
your GP for support and advice on<br />
managing PCOS.<br />
A low-carbohydrate<br />
diet might help<br />
Given what we know about the<br />
role of insulin in PCOS there are<br />
studies that show following a lowcarbohydrate<br />
diet may help with<br />
this. But why?<br />
“Reducing refined carbs can<br />
help manage blood sugar, and also<br />
help with weight loss. Replacing<br />
refined carbohydrates with lower<br />
GI, high fibre options can slow<br />
down digestion and the release<br />
of glucose into the bloodstream,”<br />
says nutritionist Michele Scarr.<br />
PCOS can cause<br />
weight gain<br />
When insulin resistance occurs,<br />
the body produces higher<br />
levels than normal. This causes<br />
ovaries to produce too much<br />
testosterone, which can impact<br />
or prevent ovulation. This cycle<br />
happens to women with PCOS,<br />
and the extra insulin in the body<br />
can lead to weight gain, with<br />
studies showing that between<br />
40–80% of women with PCOS are<br />
‘overweight’. But, it’s important<br />
not to feel at blame for this.<br />
Jenna Farmer is a freelance<br />
journalist who specialises in<br />
writing about gut health. She has<br />
Crohn’s disease and blogs about her<br />
journey to improve gut health at<br />
abalancedbelly.co.uk<br />
Michele Scarr is a nutritional<br />
therapist and health coach. Find out<br />
more about PCOS support, and get<br />
in touch with Michele via<br />
nutritionist-resource.org.uk<br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | September <strong>2021</strong> | 77
5 things you should know<br />
about group therapy<br />
Could group therapy be right for you? Here’s<br />
what really goes on during sessions<br />
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler<br />
Illustration | Rosan Magar<br />
Doing what it says on the<br />
tin, group therapy is a<br />
psychological therapy<br />
that takes place in a<br />
group setting, rather than oneto-one.<br />
Available on the NHS and<br />
privately, these sessions bring<br />
together people with similar<br />
problems, to create a supportive,<br />
inclusive environment.<br />
But what actually happens in<br />
them? Here, with the help of<br />
counsellor Nicola Ockwell, we<br />
explore five key questions about<br />
group therapy.<br />
What happens<br />
during a session?<br />
Though each group will vary<br />
slightly, they tend to have between<br />
five and 15 members, and last for<br />
about an hour once a week.<br />
“There are many different<br />
types of group therapy that<br />
target specific problems – such<br />
as anger, anxiety, addiction,<br />
depression, and bereavement<br />
to name a few,” Nicola explains.<br />
“They can be, but not always,<br />
run by qualified therapists, so<br />
the therapist or facilitator can<br />
support the group, as well as<br />
the group supporting each other<br />
– with the group becoming their<br />
own therapists, in a way.”<br />
Nicola explains that most<br />
sessions will start with a ‘checkin’,<br />
and finish with a ‘check-out’,<br />
bringing together everyone’s<br />
thoughts for the day – and it’s<br />
common for the group to agree a<br />
contract, e.g. approaching sessions<br />
with openness and honesty.<br />
Why do people attend?<br />
People attend therapy for a<br />
plethora of reasons, but the key<br />
reason someone might choose<br />
to go to a group session is for the<br />
safe, unifying space where they<br />
can connect with others going<br />
through similar things.<br />
“Using a collaborative approach<br />
is the ideal environment for<br />
working with CBT techniques such<br />
as worksheets, flip charts, and<br />
exercises to generate discussion,”<br />
Nicola says. “The activities will be<br />
designed to enable candidates to<br />
examine their current behaviour,<br />
so they can explore and contrast<br />
against each other.<br />
“The group tends to be quite a<br />
cathartic space for all involved.<br />
Members encourage each other to<br />
share views constructively, which<br />
can be useful for anyone wanting<br />
to challenge or change their<br />
behaviour patterns.<br />
“This also allows individuals<br />
to try different methods of<br />
communication, as well as<br />
experimenting with new skills and<br />
strategies already learnt in a safe,<br />
non-judgemental arena.”<br />
Who goes to group therapy?<br />
“Those who are ready to work<br />
on their particular issue, and are<br />
open to sharing their thoughts,<br />
and feelings within a group<br />
dynamic, will benefit from<br />
group therapy,” says Nicola. She<br />
highlights how group therapy may<br />
also be more accessible than oneto-one<br />
sessions, with many taking<br />
place in the evenings and being<br />
more affordable.<br />
“Some people may find this form<br />
of therapy less daunting, as they<br />
are not alone and feel the support<br />
from group members,” Nicola<br />
continues. “It can be a great place<br />
to meet new people in similar<br />
circumstances, so it can be a safe<br />
environment where you can gain<br />
78 | Septemeber <strong>2021</strong> | <strong>happiful</strong>.com
wellbeing<br />
confidence in social situations,<br />
and also find validation in other’s<br />
perspectives.”<br />
What are the challenges?<br />
While there are plenty of benefits<br />
to attending group therapy, it’s<br />
also worth being aware of the<br />
unique challenges to decide if it’s<br />
the right option for you.<br />
“This environment might be<br />
difficult if you have issues with<br />
speaking in front of people you<br />
don’t know well,” Nicola explains.<br />
“Sharing difficult emotions won’t<br />
be easy, but this improves as<br />
you start to know other group<br />
members better. No one should<br />
feel they have to speak if they<br />
don’t want to.”<br />
Nicola also states that group<br />
therapy is not advisable for those<br />
who are suicidal, in crisis, or<br />
experiencing psychosis – as these<br />
conditions need professional<br />
help via a GP or psychiatrist.<br />
What are the benefits?<br />
“It’s a good place to get to know<br />
others and yourself, to try out<br />
different techniques with the<br />
group first, and then implement<br />
them into your world outside of<br />
the group,” Nicola says.<br />
“It might be daunting initially,<br />
but the benefits can be fruitful<br />
and you might gain some friends<br />
as well! Group therapy can be as<br />
effective as individual therapy<br />
sessions, and can also provide a<br />
sense of belonging.”<br />
If you struggle with feelings<br />
of isolation, this unique<br />
environment could be a good<br />
option for you. And beyond that,<br />
you could help someone else, too.<br />
“Sharing experiences and<br />
listening to each other’s narrative<br />
can be beneficial, helping<br />
members to evaluate their<br />
own thoughts, feelings and<br />
behaviours, leading to greater<br />
self-development,” Nicola says.<br />
“This stimulating and challenging<br />
environment can be mutually<br />
beneficial, where new ideas and<br />
ways of being can be observed,<br />
as well as experimenting with<br />
new skills and strategies already<br />
learnt in a safe, non-judgemental<br />
arena – which can feel both<br />
rewarding and supportive.”<br />
Nicola Ockwell is a counsellor<br />
with experience working with<br />
groups. Find out more by visiting<br />
counselling-directory.org.uk<br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | September <strong>2021</strong> | 79
80 | September <strong>2021</strong> | <strong>happiful</strong>.com
Do<br />
yourself<br />
proud<br />
Learn how to let go of self-deprecation, and<br />
instead talk positively about your achievements<br />
Writing | Caroline Butterwick<br />
Most of us have<br />
been there: you<br />
are introduced to<br />
someone new as,<br />
“A talented writer/accountant/<br />
marketer/musician” etc. Rather<br />
than accept the compliment,<br />
chances are you swiftly downplay<br />
your strengths, and feel a little<br />
embarrassed. But why are we so<br />
quick to respond this way when<br />
we talk about our achievements?<br />
It’s a scenario that’s very<br />
familiar to me. Anxiety about<br />
sharing my successes has meant<br />
I’ve missed out on opportunities,<br />
including a promotion at work<br />
and celebrating good news with<br />
friends. It also made it harder<br />
for me to see myself in a positive<br />
light, increasing my feelings<br />
of imposter syndrome and<br />
affecting my self-confidence.<br />
Eventually, I realised I needed<br />
to start talking about myself in<br />
a better way – from challenging<br />
the perfectionist mindset that<br />
had me doubting my abilities<br />
to overcoming anxieties about<br />
seeming boastful.<br />
Acknowledging<br />
successes to ourselves<br />
To help understand why many of<br />
us struggle to talk positively about<br />
our achievements – and what we<br />
can do to change this – I spoke to<br />
life coach Denise Bosque.<br />
“Often, when we receive a<br />
compliment we feel awkward, as<br />
if we don’t deserve it, thinking,<br />
‘after all, it’s only me’,” explains<br />
Denise. “This thinking is<br />
prevalent in our culture, and is<br />
limiting to both our self-esteem,<br />
and our confidence. Deep down,<br />
we usually think we aren’t good<br />
enough, as if the good piece of<br />
work we did was more of a ‘fluke’<br />
than our efforts.”<br />
Denise’s words ring true<br />
for me. Whenever I receive a<br />
compliment, my mind jumps to<br />
why it isn’t true. I think about<br />
the faults or the mistakes I’ve<br />
made, and almost feel like a<br />
fraud for being congratulated.<br />
This perfectionist mindset makes<br />
it harder to accept praise or to<br />
share successes, because I’m too<br />
focused on the reasons I feel I<br />
don’t deserve it.<br />
But having the confidence to talk<br />
positively about our achievements<br />
to others can become easier when<br />
we start to acknowledge these<br />
successes to ourselves. “People<br />
worry so much about what other<br />
people might think,” says Denise. >>><br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | September <strong>2021</strong> | 81
“We have to approve of ourselves<br />
first, instead of waiting for<br />
validation outside of ourselves.”<br />
“Often, when<br />
we receive a<br />
compliment we<br />
feel awkward,<br />
as if we don’t<br />
deserve it “<br />
Taking Denise’s advice, I try to<br />
approve of myself first. I take<br />
some time to look back through<br />
some of my work, and make<br />
a point of acknowledging the<br />
positives in what I see. I also<br />
think about my successes,<br />
reading through my published<br />
writing. I surprise myself by<br />
enjoying the experience and,<br />
by the end of it, I’m struck<br />
by how I feel more positively<br />
about myself as a writer.<br />
The rejections that come<br />
with a writing life seem less<br />
important, less dominating, as<br />
I acknowledge the positives.<br />
Try taking time to<br />
acknowledge your own<br />
successes. Set aside half an hour<br />
or so and write a list of your<br />
achievements. At first, it may<br />
feel challenging or forced, but<br />
as you get going you may find<br />
the words flow. Include things<br />
that might seem small, but are<br />
still important to you. This act<br />
of self-approval can boost your<br />
confidence and, in turn, makes<br />
it easier to then share your<br />
successes with others.<br />
Denise assures me that the<br />
more we start to talk more<br />
positively about ourselves, the<br />
easier it gets. “Your light will<br />
begin to shine, and people will<br />
take notice,” she says. “Also,<br />
you are more likely to be seen<br />
as a person who is capable and<br />
confident, putting you in the<br />
forefront for any promotions.<br />
Each time we do this, our selfworth<br />
grows along with our<br />
confidence.” Talking positively<br />
about ourselves and being open<br />
about our successes can help<br />
us feel better within ourselves,<br />
as well as open doors to new<br />
82 | September <strong>2021</strong> | <strong>happiful</strong>.com
positive pointers<br />
“ All our self-worth and esteem<br />
should be sky-high, so that we ride the<br />
disappointments and the glories with ease ”<br />
opportunities. And sometimes<br />
it can be the simple joy of<br />
getting to celebrate something<br />
we’re proud of with others.<br />
Overcome worries<br />
about boasting<br />
So how can we approach taking<br />
this next step? One of the main<br />
worries I have about sharing<br />
successes is that it’ll seem like<br />
I’m showing off. “A much better<br />
way to think about receiving<br />
a compliment is that you are<br />
being honest, and it’s OK to<br />
acknowledge that you also<br />
thought you did a good job. It<br />
doesn’t mean it’s boastful, it’s<br />
confident,” says Denise. “This is<br />
resilience, and very necessary to<br />
lead a balanced life. As humans,<br />
we are supposed to be growing,<br />
doing our best, and recognising<br />
our strengths and weaknesses.”<br />
Many of us worry about<br />
seeming boastful and the need<br />
to be modest. But maybe we’re<br />
too focused on that concern,<br />
to the point where we devalue<br />
our successes. “We feel it’s<br />
‘bad’ to sound like we are<br />
boasting and being big-headed<br />
– particularly women. It’s<br />
conditioning,” Denise tells me.<br />
“All our self-worth and esteem<br />
should be sky-high, so that we<br />
ride the disappointments and<br />
the glories with ease.”<br />
Trying it out<br />
Denise recommends that we<br />
rehearse accepting a compliment<br />
or saying we did something well<br />
to ourselves. It may feel a little<br />
awkward practising this, but it’ll<br />
help it to become second nature.<br />
It also helps affirm this positive<br />
idea in our mind, making us<br />
more confident in the words<br />
we’re saying, so we really believe<br />
in them.<br />
I follow Denise’s advice and try<br />
talking through my successes<br />
to myself. Sure, it does feel<br />
a little strange, but there is<br />
also something nice about<br />
acknowledging these positives.<br />
Afterwards, I go out for dinner<br />
with friends. I’m nervous about<br />
sharing some recent good career<br />
news. The usual doubts niggle<br />
in my mind: “What if they think<br />
I’m boasting, or dominating the<br />
conversation? What if I’m not<br />
actually good enough?” But then<br />
I think about how important this<br />
news is to me, and how hard<br />
I’ve worked for it. I think about<br />
times these friends have told me<br />
their own good news, and how<br />
I’ve always felt happy for them<br />
and glad to be able to share in<br />
their successes. Maybe it’ll be<br />
the same for me?<br />
So I give it a go. I tell them<br />
my good news. I don’t add a<br />
caveat of, “But I also had lots of<br />
rejections!” I don’t apologise. I<br />
don’t do anything to diminish<br />
what I’m saying.<br />
And the result? Genuine smiles<br />
and congratulations. They ask<br />
me more about it, and I actually<br />
enjoy this opportunity to talk<br />
about my passion. I thank them<br />
for their compliments, and<br />
resist the usual urge to be overly<br />
modest. Afterwards, I like I’ve<br />
not just shared good news, but<br />
I’ve shared something of myself –<br />
something important to me with<br />
people that I care about. And it’s a<br />
wonderful feeling.<br />
Denise Bosque is a life coach,<br />
clinical hypnotherapist, master NLP<br />
practitioner, EMDR practitioner, and<br />
mindfulness teacher. Find out more by<br />
visiting lifecoach-directory.org.uk<br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | September <strong>2021</strong> | 83
Phrases to<br />
de-escalate conflict<br />
When emotions are running high, how we express<br />
ourselves can help keep difficult conversations<br />
productive and kind. Try using these phrases to<br />
keep the peace, without neglecting your needs<br />
I don’t feel<br />
comfortable<br />
responding to that<br />
now, I need some<br />
time to think it over<br />
My understanding of what<br />
you’re saying is…<br />
I appreciate that<br />
you’re willing to have<br />
this conversation<br />
with me<br />
Is this something that we<br />
need to agree on?<br />
I’m curious<br />
as to why<br />
you feel<br />
that way?<br />
It’s important that I set<br />
boundaries, and that<br />
you respect them<br />
Does what I’m saying<br />
sound reasonable<br />
to you?<br />
I would prefer<br />
to return to this<br />
conversation when<br />
we’re both feeling<br />
less emotional<br />
I would prefer it if we both tried to<br />
keep a calm tone during this talk<br />
I’m here to<br />
listen to you,<br />
and then I<br />
would like you<br />
to listen to me<br />
84 | September <strong>2021</strong> | <strong>happiful</strong>.com
elationships<br />
Family matters<br />
Family bonds often run the deepest, which is why it’s all the more painful<br />
when they break down. Here, with the help of a counsellor, we explore<br />
how to navigate difficult family relationships<br />
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler<br />
Families: they’re not always<br />
easy. Separation, blended<br />
households, addictions,<br />
mental illness, money<br />
problems, betrayal, expectations,<br />
communication, or simply<br />
clashing personalities – there is an<br />
unlimited number of reasons why<br />
relationships might break down.<br />
“Families bring us joy, and better<br />
health and wellbeing, but they<br />
can also be the source of distress,”<br />
says counsellor Pam Custers.<br />
“Navigating family life is a process<br />
of being able to create a healthy<br />
connection that can tolerate<br />
challenges, without destroying<br />
the intimate connections that<br />
families bring – those of love,<br />
respect, and support.”<br />
As Pam explains, when family<br />
relationships are good, they can<br />
bring us a plethora of benefits,<br />
including improving our ability<br />
to cope with stress, boosting our<br />
self-esteem, and encouraging us<br />
to engage in healthy behaviours.<br />
Strong bonds uplift us, playing a<br />
huge role in our daily lives, even<br />
operating unconsciously under<br />
the surface.<br />
“We are literally wired to<br />
connect to our family,” Pam says.<br />
“This bonding process develops<br />
through both our relationships<br />
with our partner and children,<br />
with what is termed ‘the parental<br />
caregiver attachment’. We are<br />
able to see via brain scans that,<br />
when we are with our loved ones,<br />
our anxiety levels reduce and<br />
we start producing feel-good<br />
hormones. So when these close<br />
relationships are in a state of<br />
flux, we will be physically and<br />
mentally impacted.”<br />
But in addition to what’s<br />
happening on a psychological<br />
level, there’s also a lot of social<br />
pressure that comes with family<br />
life. Films, TV shows, novels,<br />
and advertisements all play on<br />
ideals about family structures<br />
and relationships, let alone other<br />
cultural values that many of us<br />
have faced throughout our lives.<br />
With all this to contend with, the<br />
‘right way’ to run a family can<br />
become a sticking point.<br />
“Couples inevitably come<br />
from different family operating<br />
systems,” Pam says. “There<br />
can often be a clash in how<br />
they both wish ‘their’ family<br />
to operate. Finding a way to<br />
co-create a way that ‘their’<br />
family will operate is part of the<br />
process of creating their own<br />
legacy for their children. >>><br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | September <strong>2021</strong> | 85
Our families<br />
bring us joy, and<br />
better health and<br />
wellbeing, but they<br />
can also be the<br />
source of distress<br />
“A lack of communication can<br />
also get in the way of strong<br />
family relationships. Often we<br />
presume we understand or know<br />
what the other person is thinking<br />
– learning to listen carefully is<br />
something many people struggle<br />
with. We need to be able to<br />
discuss sensitive topics. Conflict<br />
is normal but, without good<br />
listening and understanding, we<br />
can become stuck.”<br />
When conflict escalates, it can<br />
sometimes result in the total<br />
breakdown of communication.<br />
According family estrangement<br />
charity Stand Alone, 8% of people<br />
surveyed had cut contact with<br />
a family member, leading the<br />
organisation to predict that this<br />
translates to at least five million<br />
people in the UK, with one in five<br />
families affected.<br />
Going ‘no contact’ is, for some,<br />
the healthiest decision. But that<br />
isn’t to say it’s easy, and Stand<br />
Alone provides help for those who<br />
are struggling with this. More<br />
broadly, you can also search for<br />
support groups in your local area<br />
and online – for everything from<br />
caring for elderly parents, to<br />
blended families, those touched<br />
by addiction, and more.<br />
86 | September <strong>2021</strong> | <strong>happiful</strong>.com
elationships<br />
Keeping the peace<br />
Pam Custers’ tips for smoothing out conflict within your family:<br />
1. Try having “we” conversations. “How should we tackle this problem?”<br />
This builds and strengthens connections.<br />
2. Be flexible.<br />
3. Make time to communicate. Not just to talk, but also to listen.<br />
4. Keep a sense of humour.<br />
5. Make kindness a central value in your family.<br />
If things take a turn for the<br />
worse, considering all those<br />
expectations we have to contend<br />
with, it’s easy to see how<br />
the breakdown of a familial<br />
relationship can come with a<br />
degree of shame – as it appears<br />
everyone around you is getting it<br />
consistently right. But the truth<br />
is, that’s probably not the case.<br />
“We all go into family life with<br />
our own sense of how it should<br />
be,” says Pam. “And so we can<br />
become disillusioned when the<br />
idealised version of family life<br />
is not the reality. Relationships<br />
are messy, and we need to be<br />
able to ride the waves. Behind<br />
all those white picket fences,<br />
there are families who are also<br />
going through challenging times.<br />
Keeping expectations realistic<br />
takes the pressure off family<br />
dynamics.”<br />
In the UK, ‘family’ has many<br />
different variations. According<br />
to gov.uk statistics, between<br />
2014 and 2020, there were 2.4<br />
million separated families in<br />
Great Britain, and when the ONS<br />
last ran an analysis in 2009, 9%<br />
of all children in England and<br />
Wales, 1.1 million, were living<br />
with a stepfamily. The reality<br />
is no two families are the same,<br />
and releasing the pressure to<br />
present a ‘perfect family’ could be<br />
an important step in letting go of<br />
relationships that are damaging.<br />
What can’t be addressed with<br />
mutual compassion and a<br />
willingness to listen, could be<br />
aided with family counselling or<br />
group therapy. You may also want<br />
to spend some time reflecting on<br />
your relationship with the idea<br />
of family, and the role that then<br />
plays in how you make decisions<br />
going forward. Truthfully, very few<br />
people’s situations match a perfect<br />
deck of ‘Happy Families’, but we’re<br />
complex human beings, not neat<br />
illustrations. We go through tough<br />
times. We learn, evolve, and – with<br />
the right support – flourish.<br />
Pam Custers is the founder of<br />
The Relationship Practice, and<br />
specialises in supporting clients to<br />
create relationships that thrive.<br />
Find out more by visiting<br />
counselling-directory.org.uk<br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | September <strong>2021</strong> | 87
RISE UP WITH<br />
SELF LOVE<br />
Nearly 1 in 2 people feel more self-doubt than self-love. *<br />
We believe that Self Love is our superpower and it’s time to act.<br />
Join the uprising at www.thebodyshop.com<br />
*A global report conducted by The Body Shop between November 22 and December 8, 2020 across 21 countries. To find out more go to www.thebodyshop.com<br />
© <strong>2021</strong> The Body Shop International Limited All rights reserved Absolutely no reproduction without the permission of the owners<br />
88 | September <strong>2021</strong> | <strong>happiful</strong>.com
memory lane<br />
One Hundred<br />
Years: That’s life<br />
We speak to Jenny Lewis, the portrait<br />
photographer who captured images of<br />
100 people from ages 0–100, about the<br />
things ageing teaches us about life<br />
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler<br />
Aroko is a one year<br />
old, and doesn’t have<br />
much to say. “Daddy.”<br />
reads the quote next to<br />
his portrait – the second in a lineup<br />
of photographs spanning the ages<br />
0–100. The collection is the latest<br />
endeavour by portrait photographer<br />
Jenny Lewis, who has spent the past<br />
three years capturing people in her<br />
local community of Hackney, in<br />
London – the results published in<br />
a book, One Hundred Years: Portraits<br />
of a community aged 0–100. On the<br />
pages, next to striking, candid shots,<br />
subjects share revealing quotes and<br />
short stories from their lives, each<br />
one as touching as the next.<br />
“I had spent five years working<br />
with women the day they had<br />
a baby, another five years<br />
photographing<br />
artists in their<br />
studios, and I<br />
suppose I lifted my<br />
head from these two<br />
long-term projects<br />
and wondered what else was<br />
going on at the other two ends<br />
of the timeline,” says Jenny, as<br />
she points to where the project<br />
began. “Looking back, I may have<br />
also been questioning my own<br />
mortality, and the vulnerability of<br />
being human. A few close friends<br />
my age had died of cancer, and<br />
my dad had been very ill. I also<br />
had come to terms with my own<br />
autoimmune disease, rheumatoid<br />
arthritis, so I think I may have<br />
just wanted to figure out what<br />
was possibly coming next, and to<br />
Aroko<br />
reflect on what had passed. I’m<br />
in my late 40s now, so it felt like<br />
a good time to look around and<br />
find out how other people were<br />
managing.”<br />
It’s a natural journey, one that<br />
many people may be able to<br />
relate to – when we experience<br />
bereavement, trauma, and<br />
grief, we might find ourselves<br />
reflecting on our lives, our<br />
priorities, and our hopes, desires,<br />
and goals. A sentiment that is<br />
perfectly, and simply, captured by<br />
Jenny’s 49-year-old subject Shana. >>><br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | September <strong>2021</strong> | 89
Their lives can<br />
move from extreme<br />
arcs of happiness<br />
to sadness, and the<br />
other way round,<br />
but they do find a<br />
way through it<br />
Shana<br />
“I’ve had five brain surgeries. I<br />
chose to do life. For my children,<br />
for me, for people around me, I<br />
chose to do life. I have found that<br />
by doing so, life is great,” she says.<br />
“It seems it really isn’t about<br />
age,” Jenny explains, when asked<br />
what the process of creating<br />
One Hundred Years taught her.<br />
“Everyone is on a unique<br />
journey, and at different stages<br />
at different times. But I was<br />
surprised, I suppose, at how<br />
interested and interesting the<br />
older subjects were – and at their<br />
enjoyment of life – as much as the<br />
youngsters surprised me at how<br />
articulate they could be, and their<br />
understanding of who they were<br />
at such an early age. I felt you<br />
could learn so much from anyone.<br />
People are always so much more<br />
than you might think.”<br />
“I’m happiest when hanging<br />
out with my best mate, Stanley,”<br />
reads the quote next to 14-year-<br />
old Arran, who is just one of<br />
many examples of such insight.<br />
“The more you’ve been through,<br />
the harder it gets to carry alone,<br />
and when you have someone<br />
that knows you as well as me and<br />
Stanley know each other, you can<br />
share that weight.”<br />
That gentle resilience in Arran’s<br />
example is a theme Jenny quickly<br />
began to spot throughout her<br />
subjects. “Their lives can move<br />
from extreme arcs of happiness<br />
to sadness, and the other way<br />
round, but they do find a way<br />
through it,” she says. “Some of<br />
the stories are of strength, or<br />
difficult childhoods, but seeing<br />
the joy that can be found later was<br />
incredibly inspiring. The strength<br />
of the project is the people in<br />
it, but I didn’t know what they<br />
were going to talk about till we<br />
started talking, which made me<br />
realise there’s always something<br />
bubbling underneath the surface.”<br />
Hyacinth<br />
90 | September <strong>2021</strong> | <strong>happiful</strong>.com
memory lane<br />
Leo<br />
‘I never really experienced anxiety<br />
until I was 24. I was so confident,<br />
then suddenly I’m like this anxious<br />
mess, and now I’m, like, freaking<br />
out. It’s weird. I think maybe it’s a<br />
lot to do with fear of the future. It’s<br />
a big shift in energy or something.’<br />
– Leo, 26 years old<br />
When asked if she had a favourite<br />
subject, Jenny’s answer was a firm<br />
“absolutely not”. For her, they all<br />
came together to build something<br />
stronger: “The portrait of a<br />
community, with 100 faces, but all<br />
part of the same thing.<br />
“Photographing and interviewing<br />
someone is quite an intimate act.<br />
Working on this series, I really got<br />
a sense that there are no strangers,<br />
just people you haven’t had the<br />
time to get to know yet,” Jenny<br />
says. “I love spending time with<br />
new people, and seeing them open<br />
up and share a little of themselves.<br />
I enjoy the listening, and they<br />
seem to enjoy the collaboration. I<br />
want more of this, please… More<br />
human interaction. It’s the energy<br />
we need to stay interested in each<br />
other. The more you talk to people<br />
you don’t know, the more it feels<br />
natural, and what’s better than a<br />
conversation where you have no<br />
idea where it will lead?”<br />
But as well as the profound,<br />
the philosophical, and the<br />
unexpected, the seemingly<br />
mundane aspects of the human<br />
experience shine through<br />
emotively, as demonstrated by<br />
many of the subjects, including<br />
88-year-old Hyacinth: “I used to<br />
love dancing. I used to go to six<br />
dances in one night and then not<br />
get up till three on a Sunday. Then<br />
I reached an age where I say, this<br />
is not for me. Take it easy.”<br />
Life is often far from linear.<br />
We go down side paths, make<br />
leaps forward, and perhaps take<br />
steps back again. In One Hundred<br />
Years, each story comes together<br />
to create one journey, a human<br />
journey, and Jenny wants to take<br />
readers there – as she did herself.<br />
“Listen to the voices, stories,<br />
and opinions that may trigger<br />
memories and reflections of your<br />
own lives, or open up new ways<br />
of thinking,” Jenny says. “I want<br />
to encourage people to drop the<br />
prejudices we all carry and how<br />
we guess what people are like<br />
from just looking at them – you<br />
have to make time to listen.”<br />
‘One Hundred Years: Portraits of a<br />
community aged 0–100’ by Jenny<br />
Lewis (Hoxton Mini Press) is out now.<br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | September <strong>2021</strong> | 91
Creative activities<br />
to plot your life<br />
Carve out some time to reflect on where your<br />
happiness lies, with these practical tasks<br />
Writing | Caroline Butterwick<br />
Illustrating | Rosan Magar<br />
Whether it’s to<br />
celebrate a<br />
milestone, or if<br />
you just want to<br />
take some time to reflect, there<br />
are lots of creative activities we<br />
can do to revisit our memories.<br />
The following are great ways to<br />
explore the things that we have<br />
experienced so far – they can<br />
help us plot our lives and assess<br />
where our happiness lies, and<br />
think about what we<br />
would like to<br />
take with us<br />
as we look<br />
ahead.<br />
Start a scrapbook<br />
or create a collage<br />
Do you have drawers full of<br />
yellowing ticket stubs from gigs<br />
you’ve enjoyed, or postcards<br />
collected over the years? A<br />
scrapbook is a wonderful way<br />
of making the most of these<br />
mementoes. Spend some time<br />
organising them into themes<br />
– maybe those that relate to a<br />
holiday, or which you associate with<br />
friendships – and then have fun<br />
pasting them onto the pages.<br />
There are great resources<br />
online on how to get started<br />
with scrapbooking if you need<br />
some inspiration, such as<br />
everything-about-scrapbooking.com.<br />
Alternatively, you could make a<br />
collage that captures a time in your<br />
life, perhaps incorporating other<br />
items such as newspaper cuttings<br />
that resonate with you. As you put<br />
together your scrapbook or collage,<br />
think about why these items matter<br />
to you, perhaps writing reflections<br />
about the things you’re including.<br />
Keep what you make safe so you<br />
can look back at it whenever you<br />
want a reminder of the people and<br />
places you care about.<br />
Craft a creative family tree<br />
Most of us are familiar with the<br />
idea of a family tree that traces<br />
our relatives, but how about<br />
crafting a creative family tree?<br />
This is a fun activity to do with<br />
a child, and can be a way of
memory lane<br />
Think about what you would like<br />
to leave in the past, and what you<br />
would like to take forward<br />
thinking about what the people<br />
in our lives mean to us, and<br />
treasuring those relationships.<br />
To start, sketch out a tree on a<br />
large sheet of paper, with branches<br />
that represent your relationship to<br />
each family member, writing their<br />
names in the appropriate place.<br />
Next, draw or write things that you<br />
associate with each person by their<br />
name. Maybe a delicious apple<br />
crumble comes to mind when you<br />
think of your aunt, or relaxing on<br />
the beach with your cousin.<br />
Of course, not all family<br />
relationships are easy, and not all<br />
associations positive. If that’s the<br />
case, you may decide to focus your<br />
tree on those who you feel positively<br />
towards, reminding yourself of all<br />
the good in your life. Or how about<br />
making a tree that celebrates your<br />
close friendships instead?<br />
Photo albums<br />
One of the most well-established<br />
ways of preserving memories is<br />
with photo albums. But in our time<br />
of smartphones and social media,<br />
many of us have forgotten the simple<br />
joy of carefully positioning printed<br />
photos into an album, or flicking<br />
through old ones and smiling at the<br />
memories and our questionable<br />
fashion choices of yesteryear.<br />
There are lots of services that<br />
let you upload your digital photos<br />
to be turned into physical prints.<br />
Once they arrived, give yourself<br />
an afternoon to fill a photo<br />
album. Try taking a mindful<br />
approach, focusing on<br />
the feelings that come<br />
with each photo, the<br />
associations held within<br />
each image, and the<br />
memories they bring.<br />
Get nostalgic with music<br />
Music has an amazing power to<br />
remind us of people and places.<br />
Perhaps there’s a song that<br />
always makes you smile because<br />
you danced to it at a friend’s<br />
wedding or a family party (‘Mr<br />
Brightside’, anyone?).<br />
Try putting together a playlist<br />
to revisit old favourites. Or<br />
find out what music matters to<br />
your loved ones – this is a great<br />
chance to bond over a surprise<br />
shared song, and to learn<br />
something new about those<br />
we’re close to.<br />
Write a letter to<br />
your younger self<br />
Writing a letter to your younger<br />
self is a chance to think about the<br />
ways you’ve developed in the years<br />
since, the achievements you’ve<br />
celebrated, the lessons you’ve<br />
learnt, and advice you’d give.<br />
Think back five or 10 years, or<br />
longer if you like, and consider<br />
how your life is different now.<br />
Some things may be harder,<br />
and that’s OK – but some<br />
things may have changed for<br />
the better. What do you wish<br />
you had known back then?<br />
What advice do you have? Be<br />
compassionate to the younger<br />
you as you write. You could also<br />
write a letter to your future self,<br />
capturing your current hopes<br />
and ambitions.<br />
Use this letter writing as a<br />
chance to think about what you<br />
would like to leave in the past,<br />
and what you would like to take<br />
forward with you.<br />
SIDE<br />
1<br />
C90<br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | September <strong>2021</strong> | 93
Memories of our lives,<br />
of our works and our deeds<br />
will continue in others<br />
ROSA PARKS<br />
94 | September <strong>2021</strong> | <strong>happiful</strong>.com<br />
Photography | Alexandre Debiève
true story<br />
Content warning: this piece<br />
include details of self-harm<br />
The light after the darkness<br />
Victoria struggled with self-harm and an eating disorder for years. But<br />
with the help of a strong support system, she learned to live alongside<br />
her depression, and a new hobby ignited a sense of hope for the future<br />
Writing | Victoria Hennison<br />
I<br />
will never forget the very first time I selfharmed.<br />
I was 13, and I needed an outlet,<br />
a way to set the torment in my mind free.<br />
Somewhere in the darkest part of my mind,<br />
it made sense that allowing the blood to flow<br />
would make me feel better – and it did, but as I<br />
stared at the droplets of blood, I felt trapped, as<br />
though I had just created a prison for myself.<br />
In some ways, the self-harm had a voice. It was<br />
comforting because it seemed to understand,<br />
but it fed off the lies the depression told me,<br />
and I felt overwhelmingly worthless.<br />
My mind filled with questions of: ‘Who am I?’,<br />
‘Why am I alive’, ‘Why would anyone love me?’<br />
I struggled for years. Self-harming became the<br />
coping mechanism that got me through the<br />
days. It was controlled, and I felt it was the one<br />
thing I had power over.<br />
In 2003, I decided that my body image was<br />
the reason I was depressed, the reason my life<br />
was going nowhere. I had just turned 21, and<br />
I thought that if I could look amazing, then I<br />
would be a success, and then I would be happy.<br />
It started off as healthy changes – good, fresh<br />
food and exercise. The number on the scales<br />
went down – it was an amazing feeling – and, in<br />
my head, the bigger the loss the greater the good<br />
feeling, so I went a day or two without eating<br />
and pushed myself harder.<br />
Initially, I saw changes in the mirror and I was<br />
feeling good, but then my view changed. No<br />
matter how low the scales went, no matter how<br />
little I ate, I was repulsed by my own reflection.<br />
When I started hiding food, pretending I’d<br />
eaten it, and struggled to even take a bite of an<br />
apple, I realised it had become something far<br />
more sinister. I wasn’t in control anymore; the<br />
darkness had introduced me to a new ally, but it<br />
wasn’t my friend.<br />
I was miserable, but then the world gave me<br />
a lifeline. It was 2004, and I found love and<br />
acceptance. It wasn’t an easy road; I refused<br />
to need someone, but somehow, no matter<br />
how hard I pushed him away, he pushed back,<br />
harder. Little by little, he broke down my walls,<br />
and as each piece was dismantled I found myself<br />
again. The insecurities fell away, and he gave<br />
me my fight back. It wasn’t anything he did, he<br />
was just there loving me for me, making me feel<br />
beautiful. It was the support, having a rock I<br />
could lean on, someone who would catch me if I<br />
fell while telling me I could fly. >>><br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | September <strong>2021</strong> | 95
Victoria’s husband has been her rock<br />
Two years later, we got married. It was a day<br />
of pure happiness. The darkness was nowhere<br />
to be found and, as we walked hand in hand, I<br />
knew we would never let each other go.<br />
Now, 14 years later, we are still as happy as we<br />
ever were, and have a family of our own. Life<br />
is in a very different place now. It’s not always<br />
buttercups and daisies, but I am in control of<br />
my demons. They are in the darkest corners of<br />
my mind, I am aware of them, and occasionally<br />
they make their presence felt; the darkness still<br />
lingers like an uninvited guest.<br />
After all these years, though I know myself<br />
better now, I accept that when the darkness is<br />
present, and my world feels flat, it isn’t always<br />
linked to anything in particular, it just exists. I<br />
now focus my energy on something positive, I<br />
think about things I may want in life, or dreams<br />
I can fulfil – and although I acknowledge the<br />
depression, it no longer consumes me. My pain<br />
becomes constructive rather than destructive.<br />
Last year, I needed to find myself again. It’s<br />
easy in life, especially when you have children,<br />
to feel a little lost. My youngest was starting<br />
school and I was feeling redundant. I decided<br />
I’d do something for myself, so I started writing,<br />
letting my imagination run away, creating<br />
characters, and escaping into other worlds.<br />
Then I happened across a blog post asking<br />
for submissions for a new book series called<br />
Hometown Tales. I filled pages with childhood<br />
adventures, but then I hit a point in my life<br />
where the joy of nostalgia disappeared. I could<br />
choose to continue on a different track or I could<br />
write my truth on the page. I did just that, I laid<br />
my life bare and it felt good; I never dreamed it<br />
would be accepted for publication so I just wrote<br />
it for me. It was honest and raw.<br />
I wasn’t in control<br />
anymore; the darkness had<br />
introduced me to a new<br />
ally, but it wasn’t my friend<br />
My tale was accepted, and as the realisation hit<br />
that my darkest secrets would be out there in<br />
the world, I was terrified of the judgements. But<br />
writing my truth gave me a newfound strength,<br />
and as the editing process went along, I finally<br />
felt free. I realised how dark my life once was, and<br />
96 | September <strong>2021</strong> | <strong>happiful</strong>.com
true story<br />
Writing gave Victoria a new-found strength<br />
I realised how dark my life<br />
once was, and how much<br />
light I now had in my life<br />
how much light I now had. I began to see who I<br />
was, and that the battles I had faced had made me<br />
stronger. I felt unashamed; I was a survivor.<br />
Writing the book changed my life, it took my<br />
nightmares and changed them into dreams:<br />
the dream of having my name on the cover of<br />
a book, the dream of being free, the dream of<br />
finding out who I am.<br />
I remembered how alone I had felt, that feeling<br />
of isolation when the world appeared to be<br />
bobbing along perfectly, yet I was falling apart. I<br />
wanted to stand tall and shout from the rooftops<br />
that life can get better. I wish I had a magic wand<br />
and all the answers, but I don’t, although I do<br />
know talking helps.<br />
I held my secret all my life; I thought keeping<br />
it to myself was strength, but speaking out made<br />
me stronger. I don’t deny my feelings now, I<br />
acknowledge them rather than trying to lock<br />
them away.<br />
Life might sometimes appear perfect, but I do<br />
still struggle. I have many things I’m grateful for,<br />
things to be overjoyed about, and I’m lucky to<br />
have my husband and children by my side – they<br />
are my light in the dark, and now my husband<br />
holds the umbrella while I dance in the rain.<br />
OUR EXPERT SAYS<br />
Growing up, Victoria struggled with her self-image,<br />
and with questions around her identity and selfacceptance.<br />
Self-harming and an eating disorder<br />
became a way to cope, even when she realised the<br />
harm these unhealthy outlets were causing her.<br />
A turning point came when Victoria met her<br />
husband, who offered the time, support, and love<br />
she needed to recover and cope. The negativity<br />
didn’t disappear completely, but an opportunity<br />
to write about it helped, and offered<br />
hope to others. As Victoria<br />
notes, often speaking out about<br />
our fears and anxieties to a<br />
friend or confidant can make us<br />
stronger.<br />
Graeme Orr | MBACP (Accred) counsellor<br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | September <strong>2021</strong> | 97
That kinda’ week<br />
It’s easy to take on the weight of the world’s problems –<br />
but, sometimes, stopping to notice the positive changes<br />
we can make to our communities, and in the lives of loved<br />
ones, makes all the difference. Next time you want to<br />
embrace some positivity, try these kindness challenges<br />
Give someone a<br />
compliment that<br />
isn’t focused on<br />
how they look<br />
Just finished a<br />
great book? Pass it<br />
on to someone you<br />
think will enjoy it<br />
If you’re heading<br />
on a walk, pop<br />
on some gloves,<br />
grab a rubbish<br />
bag, and collect<br />
litter as you go<br />
Make a loved one<br />
a playlist of songs<br />
that remind you<br />
of times you’ve<br />
spent together<br />
Buy some extra<br />
food and put it<br />
in the food bank<br />
collection box at<br />
the supermarket<br />
Send ‘thank you’ notes<br />
to people who have<br />
helped you<br />
Put loose change<br />
into a public charity<br />
box, or dedicate<br />
a collection jar at<br />
home and donate the<br />
contents once it’s full<br />
Offer to teach<br />
someone a skill – it<br />
could be a hobby,<br />
a favourite dish, or<br />
even a life hack!
Join us for Happiful Afternoons<br />
Wellbeing by the Lakes, Dorset | 8-12 September<br />
We’re over the moon to be partnering with Wellbeing by the Lakes to curate and<br />
programme Happiful Afternoons on the Riverside Stage. Festival-goers will hear from Happiful<br />
writers, best-selling authors, life coaches, counsellors, wellbeing experts, and movement mentors.<br />
Join us for much-needed time out, relaxation, reinvigoration, and inspiration!<br />
AN AUTHOR EXPLORES...<br />
IN ASSOCIATION WITH YELLOW KITE<br />
JO BOWLBY | KIRSTY GALLAGHER | POPPY JAMIE | JILLIAN LAVENDER | JO LOVE | JOSH ROBERTS<br />
MIND AND MOVEMENT<br />
GET ONBOARD WITH SUP4COACH | DISCOVER THE POWER OF COMMUNITY<br />
WITH RED | EXPLORE THE ‘YOGIC TWIST’ | RESET POST PANDEMIC WITH MOTHERKIND<br />
Day<br />
tickets<br />
£12.50<br />
BEFORE YOU GO...<br />
THERAPEUTIC WRITING FOR ALL | THE IMPORTANCE OF<br />
BEING YOU | MANAGING YOUR MINDSET<br />
And much, much more…<br />
wellbeingbythelakes.co.uk | @wellbeingbythelakes<br />
Sculpture by the Lakes, Pallington Lakes, Dorchester DT2 8QU<br />
On site parking available | Nearest train station: Dorchester (taxi ride from here)
THE UK’S POSITIVE<br />
MENTAL HEALTH APP<br />
DAILY INSPIRATION | THERAPY & SUPPORT | YOUR MAGAZINE<br />
The Happiful App<br />
Happiful App is a product from the Happiful family, which includes: Counselling Directory, Life Coach Directory, Hypnotherapy Directory,<br />
Nutritionist Resource and Therapy Directory. Helping you find the help you need.