happiful september 2021

I had lost my parents. My childhood memories
felt tarnished. Meanwhile, the rest of my
friends were living their best lives at college
while I struggled to survive.
Did I ask for help? Did I let others into
my world of pain and inner turmoil? No! I
needed to stay ‘the man of the house’. Act
tough, put on a brave face, and impress
others with my resilience. I turned to alcohol
a lot. It temporarily numbed the pain. I was
that obnoxious, loud friend, always up for
another beer. I lied to myself that this is who
I was and wanted to be.
In 2010, I met my future husband, my knight
in shining armour. I could never understand
why he loved me or wanted to be with me.
I felt like I wasn’t worthy of him, and that
he could do so much better than me. As
such, I only allowed him to see the tip of the
iceberg of my pain. I feared that my complete
openness might chase him away. I had already
lost too much to lose again.
This hurt eventually turned into anger. My
perspective soured as the years went along.
I was bitter at the world, at my family, at life
I began to embrace vulnerability;
I felt empowered each time I let
my guard down
for handing me this unfair deck of cards. My
loving relationship with my husband grew tense.
Bickering progressed into arguments and tears,
usually as a result of my abusive relationship
with alcohol. I turned to beer to escape my pain
and insecurities, while still masquerading as a
happy-go-lucky guy.
In 2020, I bottomed out. My weight and selfrespect
reached an all-time low. My drinking
and frustration hit an all-time high. My husband
expressed his concerns, and in this moment of
weakness, something awoke in me. He opened
my eyes to the pain and hurt in my childhood,
and the damage I was doing to myself now.
He recognised my pain and, in a move of
independence, I did too. I realised I was broken.
I ached. I needed help. The following Monday,
I called my doctor and started my road to
recovery. I began working through personal
issues with my therapist, who helped me better
understand my anxious and OCD thoughts, thus
enabling me to address my disordered eating.
38 | September 2021 | happiful.com