happiful september 2021

elationships
Family matters
Family bonds often run the deepest, which is why it’s all the more painful
when they break down. Here, with the help of a counsellor, we explore
how to navigate difficult family relationships
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
Families: they’re not always
easy. Separation, blended
households, addictions,
mental illness, money
problems, betrayal, expectations,
communication, or simply
clashing personalities – there is an
unlimited number of reasons why
relationships might break down.
“Families bring us joy, and better
health and wellbeing, but they
can also be the source of distress,”
says counsellor Pam Custers.
“Navigating family life is a process
of being able to create a healthy
connection that can tolerate
challenges, without destroying
the intimate connections that
families bring – those of love,
respect, and support.”
As Pam explains, when family
relationships are good, they can
bring us a plethora of benefits,
including improving our ability
to cope with stress, boosting our
self-esteem, and encouraging us
to engage in healthy behaviours.
Strong bonds uplift us, playing a
huge role in our daily lives, even
operating unconsciously under
the surface.
“We are literally wired to
connect to our family,” Pam says.
“This bonding process develops
through both our relationships
with our partner and children,
with what is termed ‘the parental
caregiver attachment’. We are
able to see via brain scans that,
when we are with our loved ones,
our anxiety levels reduce and
we start producing feel-good
hormones. So when these close
relationships are in a state of
flux, we will be physically and
mentally impacted.”
But in addition to what’s
happening on a psychological
level, there’s also a lot of social
pressure that comes with family
life. Films, TV shows, novels,
and advertisements all play on
ideals about family structures
and relationships, let alone other
cultural values that many of us
have faced throughout our lives.
With all this to contend with, the
‘right way’ to run a family can
become a sticking point.
“Couples inevitably come
from different family operating
systems,” Pam says. “There
can often be a clash in how
they both wish ‘their’ family
to operate. Finding a way to
co-create a way that ‘their’
family will operate is part of the
process of creating their own
legacy for their children. >>>
happiful.com | September 2021 | 85