happiful september 2021

true story
Embracing my
perfectly imperfect self
Self-doubt and social anxiety ruled Sheena’s world, until her
children became her motivation to push past the fear and step into
the next phase of her life
Writing | Sheena Tanna-Shah
Throughout my childhood, I always felt
a sense of loneliness and insecurity.
Changing cities and then school a few
times, I struggled to make good friends
and I never felt like I fitted in. I wasn’t outgoing,
confident, or social – and always felt like I
wasn’t enough. What added to this was people’s
constant comments to stand straighter, to talk
slower, and to smile more.
These weren’t one-off comments, they were
constantly coming from the people around
me, and it gave me long-lasting social anxiety. I
made sure I didn’t win anything to avoid walking
in front of people in assemblies, it made me fear
talking in public, it made me fear being in social
settings as I was always afraid of judgement – it
even made me fear catching the bus to avoid
people watching me find a seat. The only thing
that kept me going was my passion for studying.
At 18, after a devastating break-up with a
boyfriend, I was diagnosed with depression in
my first year at university. I was at my lowest
point, and not only nearly quit my degree but
my life as well. I didn’t want to carry on, I felt
like a failure, and I was starting to become very
critical of myself.
Coming from an Indian background, it was
really hard to open up about my situation and
what I was going through. I felt like I was
letting my parents down, as it was uncommon
for situations like mine to be heard of then.
Online support forums and social media
wasn’t something I was part of back then, so
this period was extremely lonely. I almost felt
like there must be something wrong with me. I
couldn’t see anyone around me going through
what I was, and certainly no one in my culture.
I was studying to become an optometrist but
I failed two of my end-year-exams. Before,
studying was what had kept me going, so I
felt like I had nothing left to give. During the
summer break, I retook my exams and luckily
passed to continue into my second year. I
managed to get my degree and qualified as an
optometrist, however, the anxiety still followed
me around.
I married when I was 23, and moved to a new
location. This triggered my loneliness and
insecurity, as I hardly knew anyone and had
to start again. I would be sitting in my locked
room, crying endlessly as my husband sat on
the other side of the door, trying to help me.
I tried to fill the void by booking holidays,
dinner dates, and spa days. Even though these
made me happy, it was all temporary and I
would return to feeling anxious and insecure. >>>
happiful.com | September 2021 | 61