Health & Heels - Winter 2021-2022

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healthy families Grit: The Ingredient that Matters Most By Malka Ismach Picture the scene: A group of fifth graders are sitting around discussing their upcoming science test next period. <strong>Winter</strong> Issue Each one is “flaunting” about how little they studied. I can picture such a scene vividly. I can almost hear myself saying that I “barely studied,” when in truth, I studied intensely for three hours. Fast forward 20 years and my husband is now reflecting on a speaking engagement. I hear him telling people that it took him an hour to prepare each minute of his talk. My immediate reaction is, “I can’t believe he’s telling people how long it takes him. That’s so embarrassing.” Fast forward a few years after that and I remember an accomplished lawyer at my Shabbos table proudly talking about how little she studied for the bar exam and still passed. 58
The message was clear. It was somehow instilled in me from a very young age: Hard work is something to be embarrassed about. Effort is a sign of weakness. It is hard to understand how this message was relayed. My parents always told me that as long as I worked hard in school, it didn’t matter what grade I received. My teachers encouraged us to study. And yet, somehow, there must have been subtle messages undermining what I was taught from my parents and teachers. I believed that “success” with less effort was more praiseworthy than hard and diligent work. Even as an adult, I look at those around me and focus more on the end product of “success.” I look at the people who just “have it” and wish that I did as well. I look at the people who have financial success, who have superior cognitive abilities, those who are fit and thin. The list can go on and on. Society has conditioned us to look at the success of others without thinking about what got them there. We look at people who seem to have it easy in some regard, who seem to have accomplished without even trying, and wish we had the same. We completely disregard the hard work and diligence that got them there. It turns out that the end product is the last thing we should be looking at. The process that got them there is far more important for their success than anything else. Angela Duckworth, a psychologist who founded the concept of grit, or passion and perseverance for long-term goals, has found in numerous research studies that grit is a very strong predictor of success. No innate intelligence, natural metabolism or inherited talent can replace what Duckworth calls grit. Grit has been found to be crucial toward one’s success in any area. Of course, talent and good luck can help one in many ways, but without the day-in and day-out of hard work healthy families toward a goal, one will not get very far. Grit is the ability to be passionate, set goals, work hard every day, and recover from failures and obstacles. While the end product of success may look magical to us, the true magic happens when we are passionate, hard-working and consistent. When we are gritty, we will surprise ourselves at what we can accomplish. In a way, we can think about grit as a set of good habits— habits that include goal setting, working hard, being diligent and doing it all consistently. These are positive habits that comprise one’s days and weeks and months and years. It is these habits that form our character, our work ethic, our meaning in life, and ultimately our success and satisfaction. Grit is not something that is set in stone. It is dynamic. We can become grittier. We can form habits and rituals that didn’t exist before. Psychologist Tal Ben Shachar explains that the reason why people are consistent with habits and not with New Year’s resolutions is that resolutions require discipline and willpower. Discipline and willpower are hard. But when one applies discipline and willpower consistently for a period of time, an amazing thing happens. Those things that were once hard to do become rituals and habits. They become things we just do—like brushing our teeth and taking our vitamins (maybe?). Once they are rituals and habits, we don’t have to fight nearly as hard to get them done. A personal example comes to mind. Years ago, when I was writing my dissertation, I had young children at home. I realized that the time of day that I would be most successful in getting writing done was in the early morning—before my children woke up. I decided that I had to train myself to wake up at 5 a.m. every morning, which would give me a solid two hours to work. I realized that at that time, I would be well rested and fresh, the house would be quiet and the phones would not be ringing. For the first few weeks it was a fight both to go to sleep early as well as to wake up at the crack of dawn. However, after a few weeks it became my routine. My body would be craving bed at a much earlier hour and waking up became easier too. The discipline and willpower required to maintain that schedule was not nearly as great and it became my daily ritual for two years. Once I became a doctor, I started sleeping late again. Thinking about grit and habits together helps us understand that the grittier we become, the less we have to fight to be that way. It becomes part of who we are. We can make gritty behaviors more habitual by picking one thing at a time and doing it consistently. Try it yourself. Think about your personal goals and choose something specific that will help you get closer to that goal. Do that specific thing consistently for a month or two. Watch the transformation happen— from something that requires willpower to something that is a habit. Once it is a ritual, you have become grittier already. Dr. Malka Ismach is a certified school psychologist and licensed psychologist who currently works in both school and private settings. She has experience working in multiple school, agency and clinical settings. Dr. Ismach has been trained in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), play therapy and parent training. She continues to receive ongoing training in evidence-based treatments for children, adolescents and adults. Dr. Ismach has experience and skill in assessing and treating a full range of mental health challenges. She brings enthusiasm and dedication to her work and values collaboration with schools, parents, medical practitioners and others in order to enhance the treatment of her clients. She is committed to providing compassion, support and emotional well-being to children, adults and families. She can be reached at mismach@drmalkaismach.com. 59 healthandheelsmagazine.com
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Health & Heels - Winter 2021-2022

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