Health & Heels - Winter 2021-2022

healthy families
Cultivating a Trusting and
Wholesome Relationship With
our Children
Facilitated by Rachel Herman
Winter Issue
Part 2 of an ongoing series
with Blimie Heller
Hi, Blimie! Thank you so
much for your time! I hear
from many people that
you have a very specific,
very different approach
to parenting than what
most people traditionally
use. Can you share your
approach?
Sure! I believe in not using punishments
and not either (imposed punitive)
consequences (which is simply a
euphemism for punishments!). Also,
on the flip side, I don’t believe in
using rewards or prize charts. Instead
I believe in having an authentic
relationship with our children and
leading and guiding them through
that. To me, it is such a wholesome
way to parent. While in the short term
rewards and punishments may seem
like the most effective approach, in
the long term they undermine a child’s
relationship with themselves and with
their parents, and those have the
greatest impact on the kind of adult
he or she will be.
Wow! That is very
interesting! Definitely
different from the standard
approach to parenting!
But how will the child learn
without consequences? Let's
say my child or teenager
does something I told him
he can't do; how do I deal
with that? And how do I
set boundaries without
consequences?
Great question! I would probably have
to go through my entire course to
properly answer this question because
there are so many parts to it and so
much to explain, but I’ll briefly go
through it.
I find that we’ve almost been sold this
lie that children need imposed punitive
consequences (aka punishments) to
learn. They really don’t. They simply
need a loving parent who can guide
them and help them access their
feelings of remorse. Our feelings,
when we really feel them, are the most
powerful teachers.
If a child or teen does something I told
him he can’t do, I need to ask why!
And then work from there. We talk
to our children and work things out
with them rather than doing things to
them. When our children feel included
in the boundaries we set, because we
collaborate with them, it’s almost like
why wouldn’t they work with us? They
are a part of it!
Control (punishments and reward) only
works so much. After a while we realize
how little control we actually have.
Control decreases our influence over
time while relationship increases our
influence over time.
About setting boundaries, it’s very
important to realize the important role
of feelings. When I set a boundary
I welcome and empathize with the
feelings that come up for my child.
That helps me remain assertive and
it helps my child feel understood and
cared for, which helps their resistance
move.
The child’s feelings and needs (and
the parent’s feelings and needs!) are
one of the most important pieces of
the parenting picture. When we parent
in a way that focuses on the child’s
feelings and needs we set our child
up for success in life and in future
relationships. Think about marriage.
Are there rewards and punishments
when your spouse does something right
or wrong? Of course not! ( At least
I hope not!) A healthy relationship
between a husband and wife is based
on understanding each other and what
makes each spouse act and react in a
certain way. It is important to teach
your child from a young age about
understanding his feelings and needs
and what triggers his reactions so he
can make good decisions instead of
falling back on the traditional reward
and punishment system.
Right. That is so true. I
never thought of parenting
from this relationship-based
perspective! I'm realizing
how often I use the reward/
punishment system! For
example, my child is having
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