You also want an ePaper? Increase the reach of your titles
YUMPU automatically turns print PDFs into web optimized ePapers that Google loves.
doesn’t happen overnight and there’s a<br />
way to be collaborative about punishments<br />
so they don’t erode as much trust, but<br />
the goal should be to ultimately have a<br />
relationship-based approach to parenting.<br />
In the short term, do you<br />
find that kids who don’t<br />
have reward and punishment<br />
systems are worse behaved?<br />
Does it take longer to get<br />
them behaving?<br />
There’s so much to say about this! First,<br />
no. Kids are kids and no matter what<br />
kind of system they are raised in, they<br />
will more or less act the same (barring<br />
abuse and neglect). The difference in<br />
behaviors depends on where they are<br />
at developmentally and their specific<br />
temperament and personality. For example,<br />
many 2- to 4-year-olds bite, whether they<br />
are punished or rewarded or not. It’s<br />
developmentally normal. They naturally<br />
outgrow it.<br />
In this approach, if a child is biting<br />
other children, getting to the root of the<br />
problem and addressing the unmet need<br />
will solve the issue in the moment and can<br />
give us ideas for how to navigate it until<br />
they outgrow it. If we use a very harsh<br />
punishment, it might make the child stop<br />
healthy families<br />
before they have really outgrown it, and<br />
if we use this approach it definitely might<br />
take longer for the child to stop biting<br />
overall. Safety is always our number-one<br />
priority, so this doesn’t mean we simply<br />
allow the child to continue to bite other<br />
children until they are mature enough<br />
not to. We put safeguards in place such<br />
as separating the children, giving them<br />
different activities, supervising more<br />
closely, providing a teething necklace they<br />
can bite, etc.<br />
We understand that children’s brains<br />
become more mature over time. As they<br />
get older, more skills develop and they<br />
graduate from biting and hitting to using<br />
their words. It’s super important to realize<br />
that punishments are not what makes them<br />
more mature. It simply might shut down<br />
the behavior.<br />
Using the relationship-based<br />
approach allows us to more<br />
easily accept the stages<br />
of our child’s development.<br />
We are not trying to make<br />
the child be more mature<br />
than he is. We are problem<br />
solving and working with<br />
where our child is at while<br />
understanding that it takes<br />
time for maturity to develop.<br />
Can you give some<br />
scenarios from your<br />
own life experiences<br />
where you used the<br />
relationship method<br />
rather than reward<br />
or punishment<br />
systems and how<br />
they worked out—<br />
and how long did it<br />
take to see change?<br />
Yes, actually, until my oldest was 4 I<br />
parented the traditional way. I bribed. I<br />
threatened. I did time out. I sent her to<br />
her room. And I hated it. And she hated<br />
it. And she fought me back. I finally<br />
said this can not be what parenting is<br />
about. So I started researching. Once I<br />
started the changeover, I realized that<br />
change was very gradual. It’s not gonna<br />
change from one day to the next. But I<br />
slowly transitioned out of the punishment<br />
system. I remember during that transition<br />
time I told my daughter to clean up the<br />
playroom. She said, “What’s gonna happen<br />
if I don’t?” I said, “Nothing will happen.”<br />
She just sat there staring at me like “what<br />
should I do now!”. And guess what? She got<br />
up and started cleaning it! (This did not<br />
happen every time. I had to learn other<br />
respectful ways of navigating it too.)<br />
So how long did it take you to<br />
do the whole shift?<br />
It took at least two years to stop<br />
threatening. But I slowly started seeing<br />
a shift in how she related to me and in<br />
how I related to her. In the beginning she<br />
didn’t want to have conversations with<br />
me. Because I used to be scary (from her<br />
perspective, at least). I scolded her a lot.<br />
But slowly I built trust. In addition, I had<br />
to work hard on my anger and frustration.<br />
I realized that a lot of my parenting is<br />
based on my moods so I had to learn to<br />
pause before acting and reacting. I’m<br />
still learning. I used to dread parenting<br />
but now I love it. To be a mother is to<br />
be a nurturing, supportive, and guiding<br />
presence. Think of how gentle and<br />
nurturing you are with an infant. With<br />
punishment and reward we leave that<br />
nurturing, motherly way behind and we<br />
become more like a law enforcer. Both the<br />
parent and the child suffer from this.<br />
That is such a refreshing<br />
perspective. Thank you! Any<br />
closing words?<br />
Thank you for this opportunity. I want to<br />
clarify that not using punishments and<br />
rewards doesn’t really encompass what this<br />
approach is about but it definitely helps to<br />
understand it!<br />
To all those parents and teachers out<br />
there who rely heavily on rewards and<br />
punishment systems: I know so many<br />
parents who changed the way they relate<br />
to their children, and so many teachers<br />
who literally changed their classrooms. And<br />
they are so much happier and the children<br />
are of course so much happier too. Give it<br />
time and patience! You and your children<br />
deserve it.<br />
Blimie Heller is a mom who is<br />
passionate about helping parents<br />
build relationships with their children<br />
based on respect and trust.<br />
She can be reached through her<br />
website www.blimieheller.com.<br />
69<br />
healthandheelsmagazine.com
Change language