Health & Heels - Winter 2021-2022

healthy humor
Horizontally
Challenged
Winter Issue
By Miri Issacs
This article is a tribute to all
those who are horizontally
challenged. Although Chanukah
is in the rearview mirror, there
are some of us who hold that
during Chanukah you need to
spend eight nights partying and
specifically trying to show that
we don’t have Greek values so
looks don’t mean much to us.
So now there are a whole new
batch of horizontally challenged
(and very devout) people. I’m
here to share with you “my
weight loss/nutrition timeline.”
If it doesn’t inspire you, maybe
it will at least entertain you.
Me as a baby: I don’t remember
much, but I doubt my 7 lb. 10 oz.
starting weigh-in was a concern for
anyone.
Me as a kid: Candy is the best
thing in the world! I even had a
special thank you prayer about it!
Me as a teenager: After careful
research I discovered that if you
eat 25 bags of potato chips you
have enough protein to consider
it a supper. When you add sour
cream (an insanely good combo,
you should try it!) you have the
required fat!
Me still as a teenager: I went bike
riding with my friend Rivky a few
times a week one summer and I
commented to her that it’s a shame
I didn’t need to lose the weight ‘cuz
then bike
riding
would
be more
enjoyable. (I used to think losing
weight was fun.)
Me in my final stages of
teenager: I wish I could be an
emotional eater because then I’d
have a way of making
myself feel better.
Me as an adult:
My clothes keep
shrinking!
Me after my first
baby, the first
time I went to a
nutritionist: I only
reached out to
her because I was
retaining too much
water. Probably
from too much
salt in salty chips
and salty sushi
and salty Chinese
food. I knew what
I needed to do: I
needed to order
low-sodium soy
sauce together
with my lo mein
but I had to check
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