Health & Heels - Winter 2021-2022

trouble sitting through class
without acting out and
disturbing the lesson. We
have a chart that he gets a
sticker for every 15 minutes
that he doesn’t disturb
the class, and it’s actually
working pretty well. It seems
like you wouldn't approach
this situation with a chart.
How would you address it?
Sure! Yes, I would not be using a chart
to address this situation. It is very
important that we understand that
behavior is communication! When a
child “misbehaves” (I really do not like
that word very much) in class he is
communicating something—expressing
a need he is trying to meet, albeit in a
rather unskilled manner. If the child’s
need is not being met, the feeling comes
and a behavior/strategy follows.The most
simple example: We need food. If that
need is not met, we feel hungry. And
then we hopefully eat to meet that need.
If we don’t eat, our need will continue
to go unmet and now we might feel
irritated and weak on top of hungry,
which will then make it harder for us to
remain kind, right?
Every human has the same needs. So
a child in this example might have a
need for connection, competence, or
stimulation—maybe all three! If that
need is not being met he or she might
feel lonely, sad, bored, or frustrated,
which will then give them the impulse
to “misbehave.” So if your child is acting
out in class, it’s driven by a need and a
feeling.
Our job as a parent is to think WHY?
Why is my child acting out? What is his
need that is not being met? Maybe he
needs more stimulation and therefore
he feels bored. If he feels bored, he will
try to find stimulation in the best way
he knows how at the moment, which is
to disrupt the classroom! It’s a pretty
effective strategy even if it’s completely
inappropriate.
So we have to investigate and figure
out what need is not being met. Asking
our child why he or she is misbehaving
usually does not work; children often
do not have enough self-awareness to
know why they are acting in a certain
way, and even if they do, they usually
can’t effectively express it—hence the
healthy families
misbehavior. It is our job to figure out
why. (And there are ways to do this but
that will require another conversation—
hopefully in the future!)
Once we have an idea of what the need
is, we can then discuss it with the child
and work together to figure out another
more appropriate strategy for how his
need of stimulation can be met. We
may need to also talk to the teacher;
maybe she can provide the child with
more material during class or have the
child help out during class. If the need is
attention, perhaps the teacher can give
the child a bit more attention and figure
out a way to include the child more.
Aha! I see where the feeling
and need piece is taking
the place of the rewardpunishment
method.
Exactly! Think of it like this. When a child
engages in behavior, a chart is treating
the symptom instead of the root cause.
If someone has a broken leg, taking
painkillers may help to temporarily
relieve the pain, but if you don't deal
with the problem itself it will just get
much worse. Charts are like painkillers.
Understanding your child’s needs and
feelings is getting to the root of the
problem and dealing with the root cause
instead of the symptoms.
Wow, this makes a lot of
sense to me, but it is all
so new and different. This
seems a bit unrealistic,
though; it takes tremendous
presence of mind and effort.
Life is so busy and I can
barely find a minute to sit
down. A chart seems like
it might be more efficient
sometimes.
It’s true. It takes work. But it is not
unrealistic at all. I have a friend with
seven children who used to parent
traditionally and completely switched
over to this way. Does she do it
perfectly? No! Do I? No! But we keep
evolving every day. This is not a method.
It’s not about perfectly following a plan.
It’s a way of living and being with our
children. It’s a process, not a destination.
Also, most of the hard work is in
the beginning, when it’s all new and
different. Eventually it becomes
something more natural for both you
and your children.
But I will say that this approach does
take constant inner work and that’s the
beautiful part to me. It’s so beautiful to
me that in raising our children, we raise
ourselves. People definitely shy away
from this approach and I get why, but
I find it incredible, and the more inner
work we put in, the more we get out.
And as a side note, I personally believe
that punishment and rewards are not
necessarily easier. I remember when I
used to use that system. Every time I
punished my child, something inside me
screamed that it didn't feel right. I felt
like a policeman, not a loving mother.
Oh, and those charts—I found it nearly
impossible to keep track of all of them!
I hear what you are
saying, but I know from my
experience that children
love charts. My kids are
so excited about all their
charts! Do you feel kids are
as receptive to this approach
like they are to charts?
Yes, some children like charts. And
reward/punishment systems do
sometimes work in the short term. But
children thrive when there is a genuine
relationship and when their underlying
needs are being met. We all crave to be
connected and understood—to be seen
and to be heard. With this approach
a parent understands a child and sees
where they are coming from. I can’t
even tell you how many times teenagers
messaged me that they saw my posts
and they wished their parents would do
this. Even as adults we want our parents
to love us and connect with us—to
understand us and validate us. But it is
true that if you are starting when your
child is older, it’s hard because it’s a
change. As the parent, you should talk to
your child about it and explain how you
will be approaching things that come up
from now on. This way they are prepared
for the shift in parenting and will be
more receptive to the change.
Okay, I hear that, but what
about a chart like a brachos
chart? Children love that,
and it helps them grow in a
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