V20 N42

Undertow
Terry O’Brien’s legendary column... social satire, shameless plugs — and general self-indulgence
It took nine weeks, but it was nice to
finally see all those Facebook Cowboys
fans crawl out from under their rocks to
talk smack on the Eagles. I get it. They
haven’t been relevant since Bush was in
office, but I really hope they find a way to claw
their way to nine wins (which the Eagles have
currently) and eke into the playoffs so we can
beat them by 30 in the first round.
After my expert armchair managing of
both the Eagles (whom I predicted would
make the Super Bowl, which is going to happen
so don’t worry) and Phillies (whom I predicted
would get their act together and make
the World Series) I now implore the 76ers to
PLEASE do whatever they can to pry Kevin
Durant from the Nets because the team, as
currently constructed, is easily the worst of
the post-Process era and, less forgivable, the
most boring. And, if you think the coach isn’t
the problem, I suggest you take a look across
the parking lot at the local baseball team and
what they did after jettisoning their coach.
Phillies Off-Season Wish List: Trea
Turner at shortstop, a top-end starter so
we don’t have to go into GAME FOUR OF
THE WORLD SERIES WONDERING WHO’S
GOING TO PITCH and 100% take a flyer on
Cody Bellinger as a 1B/OF sub-in while Bryce
Harper recovers from arm surgery. If anyone
can remind him how to hit, it’s Kevin Long.
After four good-faith attempts, I’m giving
up on trying to get into Yellowstone. Feels to me
like Dallas in a different skin with no one near
as oily and charming as J.R. Ewing.
Boy Do I Feel Like A Jerk of the Week (I
could actually use this headline every week in
Undertow, but for this week it’s…): A couple
of times over the last few years I’ve poked fun
at the plywood fireman cut-outs on Lincoln
Avenue as you head towards the ferry, how
they look like something out of a children’s
bad dream, the way the paint is fading, and
the wood is eroding. Well, Saturday, while
checking out at the North Cape May Acme,
our kindly cashier asked, “Do you remember
your article?’ I braced myself as this is not
generally how a HAPPY conversation starts,
and answered, “Yes, which one?” “The one
about the plywood firemen…” she continued
and explained that it was her house I’d been
picking on. She couldn’t bear to take them
down and fix them up, she explained, as they
are there in honor of her late husband, Chester
Czescik, a former Philadelphia fireman. So,
while I feel like a smacked-ass for poking fun
at a memorial, I was at least able to let Mary
Lou tell me about Chester. The universe, man.
I want to like this new Will Ferrell-Ryan
Reynolds Christmas movie that’s coming out
soon, I really do. The problem is, I’ve seen a
Happy Hour
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November 24, 2022 EXIT ZERO Page 17