RUSSIAN DENVER / HORIZON 4 N04/<strong>833</strong> от 01.29.2016 e-mail: info@gorizont.com Simply the best If You Get a Chance Take It – If It Changes Your Life Let It. Part 3- Her Story Olga Zagulova, founder of Therussiannextdoor.com blog, was born in Moscow, Russia. She relocated to Colorado at the age of fifteen and has been living in USA since then. Olga graduated University of Denver with a Bachelor Degree in International Business and has held several management positions since she joined a global relocation company in 2007. She currently resides in Colorado along with her husband and daughter and successfully manages her career along with her passion for writing. … It’s now or never. I should call the cab before it is too late to leave. I should go home while I can. I am reaching for the phone to call a taxi, realizing that it is the right thing to do, but knowing that it is the absolute biggest mistake I would ever make. I will regret leaving for the rest of my life. I know that I should not have come here. I have a fianc?, who I love dearly and who loves me. I have a life in the USA, which could never involve Him. How can I stay and justify this betrayal in my mind? Why would I risk everything I have to be with Him for just one night? It’s illogical but why does it feel so good to be here? If only someone could make a decision for me. I am holding the phone with my eyes closed and listening to the heavy beat of my heart. Or is it the ticking of the wall clock? I am out of breath. If I leave now, I will never see Him again in my life. I know it. All of a sudden a female voice prompts me to open my eyes. It is Lena, who has been staring at me the whole evening. She asks if I want to join her in a corridor for a talk. What does she want from me? I sense a bit of hostility from her but even more so genuine curiosity. I wonder if He has ever slept with her. We walk outside of the flat and she lights up a cigarette. I do the same. I lean against the cold white wall, there are old water pipes all around us. I look up and see peeling paint hanging from the ceiling. I glimpse at the surrounding and chuckle on the inside. This is so Eastern European. I couldn’t think of a better set up than this for a dramatic scene that is about to unfold. «What are your intentions with Him? Lena asks me without any further ado. Got to love Russian women, straight and to the point. «I have no intentions. I am an old friend from the past. I am happily engaged to another man and flying back to USA in a few days. How about you? «I love him.» «Does he know that?» I raise my eyebrows in surprise. I didn’t expect to hear This from her. After all, this apartment has enough room for only one love story. «No.» She looks down at her shoes. «Don’t you think you should be telling him about your feelings before me?» «I am afraid. I love him and I adore him. We have been sleeping together for a while.» «Are you planning on leaving your husband for Him?» I quickly recall conversations about her marriage and a child during the evening. «I don’t know. It’s complicated.» She shakes her head. Suddenly the dreamy fog around me fades away. I am completely alert and aware of what I need to do now. There is no more hesitation. My indecisiveness has been replaced by severe jealousy. There is no way I could ever let Him sleep with another woman. Today was no coincidence; my visit here was not a mistake. Tonight will reverse my destiny. How could I have dreamt of being with Him for so many years when I was a teenager and now let another woman take Him away? «Listen, Lena. You are drunk and tired. You are a married woman and a mother. I suggest we go back to the apartment, you gather all of your belongings and go home. You are not staying here tonight because I am. In fact, you are never staying here another night.» She stares at me in disbelief. Surprisingly she doesn’t argue. Perhaps she needed someone to make a decision for her and it brought her a peace of mind she desperately needed. We calmly walk back in, I help pick up her purse. Lena says her goodbyes and off she goes to the life where she belongs. I exhale and walk outside on the balcony. He is standing there with his friends. His eyes smile when he sees me. He stares at my lips and I know there is no turning back from here. I somehow won a battle which I was never prepared for. I lean against Him and put my head on His strong shoulder. I close my eyes and feel His arms wrap around my waist. He is mine, forever. I will never let this man go. His friends slowly head home after a few more drinks and it is finally only the two of us left. My head is resting on His lap and He is stroking my long hair with his gentle hands. «Would you like me to sleep on a couch and you could stay in my room?» He asks politely. His lips are smiling. I raise my head and look him straight in the eyes. «Can I please kiss you?» He whispers with a deep voice. «Please do.» The rest of the night is a blur. I never knew passion existed outside of movie screens. Don’t get me wrong, I have had my share of passionate ordeals with other men, but never did I feel This. It was love at first sight. It was years of waiting and hoping that one day He would reciprocate my feelings for Him. It was lust. It was Him realizing that he was my first man over a decade ago and he could now become my last. It was the absolute most defining intimacy any couple could wish for in their relationship. Except, we never had a relationship. As I open my eyes at 9am in the morning and see his muscular body laying next to my shameless cheating soul, I can’t help but wonder: What do I do now? All of a sudden I panic. We never even dated. How could I expect to start a relationship now, when my flight to USA is in a few days and he stays behind in Moscow? I am nothing more than a ghost from the past, who will be quickly forgotten. I cannot stay here for another minute. I am literally suffocating from the guilt and overwhelming flashbacks of last night. «Where are you going?» «Home. I need to go home. This is too much to handle.» «Stay with me. We barely slept all night. Please lay down. I’ll make you breakfast.» «No, you don’t understand. This is crazy. I’ve never done this before. I’ve never cheated on anyone. I need to go home and digest what just happened. I need to understand what this all means.» He slowly gets out of bed and gets dressed. He can sense that I am not joking. I know that he is sleepy, tired and confused. The truth is I want to lay next to him and forget about the world, but I have done too much damage already. I cannot possibly stay and pretend that what we have done is right. We put our jackets on and walk out of the building. Crispy snow under our feet is louder than my thoughts. The noise helps me calm down and brings some peace to my heart. The cold is sobering and distracting. He quickly hugs me and holds me tight. My head is pounding and spinning at the same time. His smell, his touch is overwhelming. I don’t know what to tell him. What is there to say? Last night was amazing, now, goodbye forever? He will probably forget about me the moment I get in that cab. «Please don’t go. Stay with me. I need you to stay with me.» «I can’t. I am sorry. I must leave. Goodbye.» I break away from his arms and run to the taxi. I turn around and see his devastated face. He has never been left by a woman like this before. He knows he will never see me again if he lets me go now. Tears are running down my cheeks. I slam the door and nearly pass out on the front seat. I mumble my address to the driver and get my cell phone out. What have I done? The phone starts vibrating in my hands immediately. I am staring at the screen in disbelief. It’s Him. Did I leave anything behind? «I need to tell you something. I know I have never said it to you before. All these years, we have known each other and I have never said it. I have wasted so much time... I LOVE YOU.» The phone slips from my hands and I can no longer control my feelings. I break down in a complete emotional meltdown. I am crying uncontrollably and the driver thinks I am a lunatic. He glances at me with his eyebrows raised. How could He say it now? Why did He say those words? I have loved Him more than any man in my life but have buried those feelings deep in my heart years ago when I moved to USA. I knew we had no future together. I forgave Him for all the pain he has endured on my heart. We were thirteen when we first met. We were sixteen when He became my first man. I was so young, so na?ve. I never told Him how I felt through all of those years. I have searched the world for his replacement; I have desperately looked for someone to resemble him, whether in appearance or demeanor. And now that I am about to be married to another man, He says «I LOVE YOU?!» What in the world do I do now? To be continued…
RUSSIAN DENVER Colorado Russian Newspaper published in English 720-436-7613 www.gorizont.com/rd 5
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