Analog Science Fiction and Fact - June 2013

ANALOG
Captain’s summons. They passed the galley
when Olya emerged with a glass of what appeared
to be vegetable puree.
“Move,” Olya shouted. “Captain want
pureed vegetables in conference room.”
Enzo imagined bad things coming his way.
They entered the room to find Antoniy’s
image displayed on a teleconference link, the
Captain looking out of the view port and a
bowl of soil and worms at the head of the
table. Enzo smelled impending doom.
“Sit,” stated Captain Jerwin.
They sat.
“The five of you are an unbelievable pain in
the ass.” The Captain turned, staring at each
of them, finishing with a glare at the worms.
“I assume you have forgotten the commercial
nature of this station. I assume you have
forgotten the importance of maintaining a
clean-room environment. I assume you have
forgotten the consequences, both to your
safety and careers, of willfully creating quantities
of contaminant.”
“I can explain—” Enzo attempted to do the
noble thing and own up.
“I’m talking. You’re listening.” The Captain
glared at him in a fashion reminiscent of her
famous video. “When I’m ready to hear from
you, I will have told you what you are going to
say. Until then, nothing. Understood?”
Enzo gulped and nodded. He hoped he’d be
sent home in the pressurized transport, rather
than the incinerator run.
“Last night, I had a Captain’s dinner at our
sister space station. A wonderful meal, until
we discussed shipboard morale. At this point,
my peer challenged me with a wager. He believes
his station will produce soil-grown
tomatoes faster and of better quality than
ours.”
Enzo shot a quick glance at a puzzled Dmitry.
The Captain continued, “‘What are soilgrown
tomatoes?’ I thought to myself. But I
don’t like to appear ignorant of activities
around my station. So I, of course, accepted
his wager. And by the way, it is a substantial
wager.”
Enzo mentally inventoried his possessions
on the station and decided to whom they’d be
given.
“Antoniy.” The Captain faced the monitor.
“Thank you for indulging me in our conversa-
tion last night. For those of you in the room,
Antoniy explained where these worms and
soil have come from and how they traveled to
our sister station amongst his personal belongings.”
The Captain picked up the bowl and examined
it closely. “News travels quickly in the vacuum
of space. This morning, I had the unexpected
pleasure of conversing with an
extremely enthusiastic representative of the
Corporation that owns this station. He told me
they were thrilled we had instituted a program
to improve station morale by reproducing a little
piece of Earth. He was briefly curious about
how we contained this—dirt—so as to not
contaminate the station, but didn’t pause long
enough for me to dream up a lie. He rushed on
to tell me Earthside engineers were highly supportive
about the improvements in quality of
life on our station. He wanted to know when
we’d be prepared for a press conference to
show off these tomatoes.”
Turning back to the monitor, the Captain
continued. “Antoniy. I managed to rescind
your transfer, much to the dismay of my competitor
in this wager. You are returning to this
station on the next transport. I believe it will
be departing your current location in approximately
fifty minutes. When you set foot on
this station, you will report to engineering
headquarters. You will accept your previous
assignment. They are expecting you to complete
cleaning the filtration systems before
dinner. You will continue to use your modified
disposal routine for the filtrate. Dismissed.”
The connection ended and a dropjawed
Antoniy disappeared from the monitor.
“Katya,” The Captain turned from the blank
monitor and stared down the Russian girl.
“You are remaining as Support Engineer on
the same team. This time you will not turn my
station into a soap opera. I will not hear reports
of missed assignments. You and Antoniy
will attend an upcoming series of Effective
Communication classes. I expect to hear
glowing reports from the instructor regarding
your respective performances. This is not a
speculative statement. Is this clear?”
Katya’s face was as red as her hair. She understood.
The Captain turned to Olya.
“This vegetable puree seems to be exceedingly
popular and until last night, it didn’t occur
to me it was anything other than a health
16 MARK NIEMANN-ROSS