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Analog Science Fiction and Fact - June 2013

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ANALOG<br />

I love; I cannot love the one I touch.<br />

And at that moment the detector overheats,<br />

its cold ceramic casing shattering as the cesium<br />

gas within exp<strong>and</strong>s a millionfold. Pain<br />

tears through my systems as searing-cold gas<br />

pours into spaces it was never meant to<br />

touch.<br />

My heart bursts because it has taken in too<br />

much.<br />

Oblivion.<br />

Light stabs my eyes. I wince <strong>and</strong> squirm<br />

away from the pain, raising h<strong>and</strong>s to defend<br />

myself, but something restrains me.<br />

“Whoa, whoa, malyutka!” It’s Evon’s voice,<br />

Evon’s h<strong>and</strong>s on my wrists. “Don’t fight. Is<br />

only me. You okay?”<br />

“Uh . . .” My voice is ashy. “I’m alive . . .”<br />

“Here. Drink.” A cool glass is pressed into<br />

my h<strong>and</strong>s. Water. I realize I’m parched. “Not<br />

so fast!”<br />

The glass is taken away. My thirst tells me<br />

I’ve been insensate <strong>and</strong> unserviced for some<br />

time. “How . . . how long?”<br />

“Sixteen hours.” He h<strong>and</strong>s me another glass<br />

of water, <strong>and</strong> a food bar. It’s the most delicious<br />

thing I’ve ever tasted. “Was getting pretty cold<br />

before I managed to get door open. Lifesystem<br />

working now, anyway.”<br />

I shiver. It’s still pretty cold. “I’m sorry I<br />

locked you in.”<br />

“I’m sorry detector exploded. Next one will<br />

have better compensators. Big question is, can<br />

you fly ship?”<br />

The helmet’s indicators have all gone black,<br />

but the wall displays are operative. Drive systems<br />

are good; navigation is running on back-<br />

38<br />

VISIT OUR WEBSITE<br />

www.analogsf.com<br />

ups, but the coordinates of the last transition<br />

are still locked in. “Yes. I can get us back to<br />

the Institute, anyway.”<br />

Evon blows out a sigh. “Is good.”<br />

I turn the cold helmet over in my h<strong>and</strong>s.<br />

The shipmind is dead. A new one can be<br />

grown from backups, of course, but it won’t<br />

be exactly the same.<br />

I won’t be exactly the same.<br />

What do I want me to be?<br />

I stare into the blind eye of the helmet’s<br />

dead power indicator. It stares blankly back . . .<br />

<strong>and</strong> suddenly I realize there’s a more immediate<br />

problem. “My data!”<br />

Evon quirks an eyebrow at me.<br />

“All the data I’ve gathered here. Is it safe?”<br />

He shrugs, spreads his h<strong>and</strong>s. “I would never<br />

consider looking. Raw research data, after<br />

all. Subject to misinterpretation.” Though his<br />

words are light, his eyes are as hard <strong>and</strong> cold<br />

as one of his technical readouts. “You underst<strong>and</strong>.”<br />

I gather breath to snap a response . . . then<br />

stop myself, letting it back out slowly. I begin<br />

again. “Will you . . . would you, please, check<br />

it for me? Make sure it’s properly stored <strong>and</strong><br />

backed up before we fire up the system for<br />

the transition back to the Institute?”<br />

A small smile, <strong>and</strong> a nod. “Since you ask so<br />

nicely.”<br />

“Thank you.”<br />

There’s still a lot of noise crusted on my<br />

soul. It will take a while to scrape it all off.<br />

“Okay,” he says. “Where are manual controls?”<br />

Together, we set to work. ■<br />

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